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Is there any chance of this working?

(4 Posts)
yogayear Sun 13-Nov-16 22:02:19

I have been with h for 15 years and recently separated.We have 1 dc together and 1 adult dc each from previous marriage.

1st marriages were at a young age, 19.
Over the last 5 years our marriage has been rocky, we nearly separated 3 years ago, solicitors involved but I pulled back from the brink.

Background, H had a terribly abusive but very middle-class childhood.Lots of manners and MC hobbies but behind closed doors he was living with an out of control mum (over 70 now and still violent) and an emotional distance passive aggressive father.I don't believe he was ever shown love.
4 years ago after a violent incident with his mum he went for counselling - for over a year.Rather than make it better it brought his anger to the surface.At the same time he went to work at a trendy company which has a reputation for being young and cool.H is nearly 50 and never the cool kid.He has changed in many ways, voice coaching to help him project better and he started swearing just like a teen.

Our issues, we can get along pretty well, H takes responsibility for house and childcare.He's mostly supportive of my work although his career definitely comes first.

However when H & I have an issue, it all goes badly wrong.He is defensive, highly sensitive and aggressive.Nothing can be discussed, his emotions are over loaded and he walks out of discussions within minutes.Attempts to talk via email are mostly ignored.He feel immediately criticised and takes slights when not intended and often ends up feeling as if he is the victim. He holds grudges and expects me to know why he has been upset.I believe it's genuine rather than abusive and at times I feel his emotions are so reactive it's a mental health issue.He is the advert for 'thinking errors'

An example last argument he left our room to sleep elsewhere but then feels abandoned and says I've left him.He believes it.
After a period of time (often months) the mist seems to clear and H will react less defensively and will then say what could have been said months previously.He can't however apologise.

As we are currently separated I can judge the situation more objectively.Friends say to finalise separation as they know how much of a roller coaster I have been on.Family know the gentle man who made me very happy for quite a few years.They struggle to comprend his outbursts.

I have talked to H about seeing the GP but he reacts badly to him being 'tainted'.He functions very well in work as his ability to shut off emotions works well.His daughter has a superficial relationship with him and he has avoided all conflict with her, mostly through appeasing her which could work as he only saw her EOW and holidays.
I do believe H is a good guy. Am I misguided to think it could ever be fixed?

RestlessTraveller Sun 13-Nov-16 22:59:05

If he works full-time and is responsible for housework and childcare, what do you do?

WingsofNylon Sun 13-Nov-16 23:07:14

He sounds like very hard work. The idea that his moods could last for weeks or months is just awful and i wouldnt be able to cope with that.

OohhThatsMe Sun 13-Nov-16 23:15:09

I couldn't do it. Life without a moody person is really great.

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