I really need some help.
I'm 30 and the last two years I have begun to wonder what the hell my parents were doing when I was a child. I don't know how to write this briefly and inevitably things will be missed out, and I'm crying as I type so it's probably not going to be well written!
I always thought my parents were good parents, whatever that meant. I was very insecure as a child and always felt in my younger sister's shadow. She was very bright academically and was into all sorts of extra curricular things that took up a lot of time. She loved hockey and we'd always have family trips at the weekend to watch her play. I don't know if it's helpful to list certain incidents that I've begun to remember, but here are a few... when I was 14 my parents left me alone for 10 days while working at the village pub, to take my sister on a hockey tour. Any time it's been mentioned since they've said 'oh helloyou wouldn't come she wanted to stay at home, we begged her to come!' Looking back now I think that was utterly ridiculous... I was 14, and the reason I didn't want to go was because quite frankly it was a boring week, and I felt left out. These days they will joke about how jealous I was, which is funny because I don't really remember much jealousy as much as I remember feeling very lonely and the odd one out. I was always very proud of my sister and have never resented her.
I have many many increasing memories of being hit, dragged by the hair and covered in bruises. My earliest memory of this is age 8, when I'm told I was particularly difficult. I think I was difficult, I know I used to never go to bed when I was told to and I would cry a lot because I was worried about school. I think I was most unhappy age 8, looking back.
Throughout my childhood I was told I was going to cause my parents to break up. We had so many rows that perhaps that was true, but now I'm an adult I find that a strange thing to say to your own child.
One Christmas after we had opened presents, my parents bought in an extra gift for my sister, after we had all finished opening things, and said it was because she had been good and I hadn't... I was confused and didn't understand why they hadn't mentioned this before Christmas as I wasn't even sure what they were referring to.
Fast forward to now and I feel very lonely around my family. I get on with my sister except when she is with the family, where we do get on but not as well. Recently the main friction has been that apparently I have been putting my sister down because I make out my job is more important than hers... I earn more money than she does and my career is competitive, but I've never once showed off about that, I don't think it's something to show off about?! Last weekend I said I had to leave a bit early (i.e. Before 6pm) as I needed to get back to finish some work for the next day, and I was told I was 'being special' and trying to put my sister down as she recently went down to part time due to not enough work in her industry. It was the first weekend I had spent with my family for weeks and I feel disappointed that there has to be all this drama.
I feel like I am some sort of nightmare person. I've always had anxiety and I am quite intense and full on about life, but I have good friends and I live a quiet life.
I feel broken tonight. I will never be what they want and actually I'm the opposite, they don't have anything in common with me. Can anyone relate to this or am I being dramatic? Brutally honest opinions really welcome!!!!
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My relationship with my family, I don't know what to do
Helloyou4 · 13/11/2016 20:54
Helloyou4 I don't think you seem to fuck anything up. Please don't be harsh on yourself! I think you sound like a well rounded person despite your upbringing, and you can see those failings for what they are, and how hurtful that must have been for you. You have my upmost sympathies, you might be better off going NC with your family as it sounds very toxic. 
It is awful suddenly starting to realise that your parents are abusive. Yours certainly are. It's that sense of uncertainty. You suddenly recall things and worry you might be making it up, after all, why haven't you remembered before?
I've been there and it's hard. Come to think of it, over 3 years NC and it's still hard. My advice is fine someone to talk to, or maybe write it down. Out is better than in
None of this is your fault. You were a child and you were unhappy and upset. Children communicate that through behaviour. You feel bad because you have been treated badly.
You might find it helpful to google scapegoat and golden child. The scapegoat will often act out due to distress and also to make their family's mistreatment seem more bearable and controllable.
I just want to give eight-year-old you a big hug.
Is counselling an option at all? It's hard and painful starting to work this stuff out. Samaritans are on 116123 if you want someone to talk to now.
No wonder you had anxiety. Physical abuse, constantly being made to feel lesser and second best, neglected?
It's them. All them. Their shit, their issues, their hugely destructive lack of self-awareness, their appalling limitations.
A good therapist would really help you unpick all this, and support you through it.
Go you, with your interesting and competitive job - well fucking done! You achieved that despite being diminished, hurt and rejected throughout your childhood.
Get angry. Get clear-headed. Allow yourself to explore this, question everything.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to or see anyone you don't want to and you are entitled to put down some boundaries to protect you.
and strength to you.
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Basically, your parents are cunts.
That's the truth, it's right that you have spotted it.
You didn't deserve that - doesn't matter what you did or didn't do, you were a child and it was up to them to treat you with love and kindness but they didn't.
Stop blaming yourself - its ok to be anxious, and you were being treated badly. A bit like living in a family where parent/s have severe mental health problems (like my late mother), when you're always on shifting sand, you don't know if there is a truth you can rely on. Your parents looked like 'good' parents but they were unfair and cruel to you.
So, get help. You need counselling, loads of it, over a long period of time. Don't expect it to help in a couple of weeks. Don't be surprised if you remember more and feel worse for a while. Talking about it and having it heard by an impartial ear does help. A skilled counsellor will be able to ask questions that help you re-set the balance, to understand what happened to you and help you to live more comfortably now, even though you can't change the past or make your parents the people they should be.
Good luck. Your journey has already started. You can feel better. Go for it.
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