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How do you stop throwing it back in his face??

(24 Posts)
rainbowlou Sun 13-Nov-16 19:42:36

I had so much support from mn last year when I discovered my husband had developed a very inappropriate friendship/relationship with someone.
We have stayed together and he is now the model husband and father (shame it took this to make it that way!) he would do anything it takes to keep us all together and be happy.
But every so often something happens, or crops up that remind me of what he did and I throw it all back in his face and start a huge row.
I did it again last night because of various things I'd been keeping to myself that got too hard for me to handle and now he has gone to work a day early not due back until Thursday saying we need space as we can't live like this.
He is right...we can't but this happens once in a blue moon it's not regularly.
I'm sitting here trying to be a happy mummy for the kids when I really want to cry...
I miss him and I want to put it right but I need to give him that space don't I?
I've apologised so much but it means nothing if I keep doing it...I just don't know how I stop punishing him for what he has done if I truly want us to be together??

ProcrastinatingSquid2 Sun 13-Nov-16 19:55:21

Honestly, if you really are only doing it once in a blue moon, I don't think he can really grumble. He's presumably betrayed your trust only a year ago. He needs to accept that you're still going to be angry about that at this point. The going back to work early and saying you both need space seems slightly manipulative to me, like he's telling you 'this is what happens if you bring it up again... ' Maybe I'm misinterpreting though. Is there a way that when you feel angry about it you could tell him without starting a row? Or set aside a time when you can talk about it with him weekly or monthly maybe?

Maverickismywingman Sun 13-Nov-16 19:58:58

Maybe don't bottle up whatever's annoying you at the time and you won't feel the need to recall everything again.

Give him his space at the moment. Remind him that it still hurts and it may take some work on both sides to make it go away.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 13-Nov-16 20:39:10

......."I've apologised so much but it means nothing if I keep doing it..."
HE is the one that stepped out of line remember, and starting a row is a repercussion/consequence of that.
Give yourself time and please don't be too hard on yourself.
As much as you are trying to forgive him, he needs to understand where you are coming from too.

rainbowlou Sun 13-Nov-16 20:50:46

Thank you for your replies...without giving too much detail away she was living abroad when this all happened and was here for a wedding (when they met) I said at the time his only saving grace was that she lived on the other side of the world but recently I found out she is now back here so when he works away he is back near her and I'm stuck on my own miles away...hence why I'm feeling a bit paranoid!
He just text to say he arrived safely and that was all.
A bit of reassurance would make such a huge difference right now

rainbowlou Sun 13-Nov-16 20:53:19

I will give him his space...and sit on my hands so I don't text him!
Keepcool thank you for your words it's exactly how I feel but I think he thinks it should all be over now as it's been a year since he did it.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 13-Nov-16 20:59:04

So in effect he is punishing you in retaliation, when you are the one who needs reassurance.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 13-Nov-16 21:00:45

Sorry cross post.
Difficult because I do think that 'some' men expect women to just get over it. If only it was that easy!!

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 13-Nov-16 21:01:20

Yes, do not text. It is not your fault.

Threecherries Sun 13-Nov-16 21:05:58

Does he know you know she's back in the country?

HerRoyalNotness Sun 13-Nov-16 21:10:24

A year down the line to something similar, my DH is still apologising to me for the hurt he caused, and saying he can't comprehend how it made me feel. And if I have to bring it up, he has to take it, after all, he was in the wrong. That's how it should be. Your DH seems to think he can sweep it away and pretend it didn't happen. You have every right to have a wobble now and then

rainbowlou Sun 13-Nov-16 21:16:53

He knows she is back because I stupidly told him! This enhanced my paranoia!!
You're right his lack of reassurance is excused As he 'doesn't do talking'
It feels to me like he has dealt with the way it affected him and doesn't want to hear anymore...and now he has fucked off to work for 5 days leaving me to deal with it

Threecherries Sun 13-Nov-16 21:22:36

Well I think he's been a shit then disappearing off early when he knows you will be worrying about what he's doing and who with. He's using the knowedge to punish you for getting angry about his failing.

Are you certain you still want to be with him, because he doesn't sound like much of a prize.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Sun 13-Nov-16 21:32:32

He should still be crawling on his knees, not making you feel insecure and in turmoil by punishing you like this :0(

rainbowlou Sun 13-Nov-16 21:34:07

Threecherries sadly I think you are right...if I had hurt someone in this way I would stay and put it right.

BantyCustards Sun 13-Nov-16 21:39:06

He's being very manipulative

cherryblossomcarpet Sun 13-Nov-16 21:48:56

I get where you are coming from, it's almost like using attack as a form of defence when feeling insecure. At least that is how it felt to me.

I ended up speaking to a professional to help me through it as I could see I was being destructive and blocking us moving forward. The advice I got was:

If you have decided you want to stay with your DH, and he with you, then you must divorce the past.

Live the story of today.

Be your best possible self.

It is a good summary which has helped me enormously. If you live in the today you judge your DH on how he is now. You say he is a model husband and father. That's sounds like a good place to be.

What he did to you has made you feel very insecure in the relationship. How you respond to him when he tries to undo this damage dictates how safe he feels in the relationship. Feeling unsafe results in negative behaviours, which in turn makes the other partner feel unsafe. It's an eternal cycle of misery. Make him feel safe too, by avoiding the urge to attack him over the past. If you give him the message that no matter how good a husband and father he is now you are unable to forgive and move on it may destroy his will to continue trying and make him retreat into himself and shut down. Possibly what running off to work was about. It wasn't mature, or how he should have responded, but he may have been feeling vulnerable.

As for 'be your best possible self', you both should try to be this. With strangers and people we are trying to impress we are at our 'best'. People close to us often see our 'worst'. Save some of the good for each other, and try to connect.

This advice is working for me, but it may not be for everyone. It is a joint venture, we are both trying to make the other 'feel safe'. It has helped. Sit down with your DH and talk things through, tell him you want to move on and need his support to do so.

The final bit of advice I was given was don't talk about emotions, talk about how you want it to be. When you talk about emotions men 'hear' you attacking them for being a bad person. They don't know where to go with the conversation and shut down. Talk about how you want things to be - it gives them a plan, something to aim for, it is more positive.

Food for thought maybe. Wishing you well, reconciliation is so much harder than anyone who hasn't been through it can ever imagine flowers

rainbowlou Sun 13-Nov-16 21:52:59

Cherry blossom thank you that has helped loads and given me lots to think about x

SandyY2K Sun 13-Nov-16 23:42:37

If he had done some reading about the effect of a betrayal like this he'd know it's normal.

He should have just apologised again for causing you to mistrust him and promise he'll never do it again. Then give you a hug and hold you tight.

janaus Mon 14-Nov-16 04:55:33

Similar situation here. Just over a year. And guess who needed a table to be moved to another location. So who does ex OW call to get help. ... And who "forgot" that he was there last week helping her. Only when I said he had been seen there, did he suddenly remember. I Had another meltdown.
So sorry you are going through this.

LouisvilleLlama Mon 14-Nov-16 05:28:28

Having never cheated/ been cheated only sorry I can't imagine the pain, he was a right twat for what he did, I'm wondering and I hope it doesn't sound goady but people are saying it's right for you to bring it up I'm just wondering how long that is acceptable for and under what circumstances? The OP said it was after "various things" so not necessarily about faithfulness in their relationship but trivial things that build up on a bad day and to me if that was so I don't think that's right and can see why he may have wanted to leave a day early as I wouldn't want it to be mentioned in my face if say I forgot to do the recycling but as my partner was pissed off about a package not arriving, dinner burning, the kids screaming for example as it would have nothing to do with the issue it would just be ( in my opinion) a way to hurt me also.

OP says it's mentioned every so often/ once in a blue moon, I don't know how often it is but if my interpretation is right it's only been a year and a few times could be every two months and OP mentions it in heated times not to do with the relationship I can see how the DH could feel like a ( for want of a better word) victim, he royally fucked up and seems he's made massive strides but if anytime they get into an argument OP brings it up, it's never going to be moved past and he could see it as her hurting him when he feels it has nothing to do with the current issues, like a ( and again want of a better phrase ) get out of jail free card because as soon as it's mentioned he's the complete prick and it's unexcysable but he thought they were having a small argument because he left the toilet seat up by mistake and as such he may feel like they may never move past it and he feels that living environment isn't workable for either of them.

Again this is not meant to be goady and completely wrong as I said I've got no experience here I'm just wondering and making observations from my limited knowledge Point of view

SandyY2K Mon 14-Nov-16 06:17:05

Janaus, your situation is a bit different. He had no right going there. Why isn't he total no contact with the OW.

I'd be more than livid.

Imagine you had an affair, then OM needs a bit of help with some baking at his house and you go. You think your husband would be cool with that?

Continued contact = affair is still going on. Why do you actually think the affair is over?

That's not a case of throwing it in his face. It's not being taken for a mug.

Livelovebehappy Mon 14-Nov-16 07:27:58

Something similar with me. I've been back with my DH about 5 years, and I still have days where I feel angry about what he did. Usually it's days when I feel a bit off, or he moans about our teen DS being a mummies boy, when I have to explain he should take the blame for some of it as he was absent for a large chunk of his life (4 yrs). He too will kick off and walk away from the rant. I think it's because they still feel guilty and kind of want it air brushing out of their life, and you bringing it up reminds them what crap they caused. It's something that caused huge upset in your life, and unfortunately a consequence of that is that you will always have a bit of insecurity because of it. If it's just very occasionally he should just suck it up.

Lotsofponies Mon 14-Nov-16 10:01:15

I know exactly how you feel. We are 2 years on and I can truly say I am starting to feel normal, I think during the first year we were both floundering and making mistakes, we are now both much better at communicating feelings without manipulating and guilt tripping. As we are both less raw it's easier to talk about it without it ending up in a melt down. When I get 'that feeling' now I just tell him I am feeling unsafe, he can then support me and we can talk, it not an accusatory statement but still expresses how the consequences of his actions are affecting you. This is not the easy path to take, its still early days and you sound as though you are doing well. Don't be too hard on your self.

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