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Too tired for sex,

(39 Posts)
user1479050721 Sun 13-Nov-16 15:59:38

I have a two year old, I work part time and do all the house chores.
When I get time to myself I just like to sit and watch tv or browse the Internet.

My problem is I have lost interest in sex. My husband is starting to give me the silent treatment. He wants me to be more affectionate but when I am affectionate he always assumes it's going to lead to sex, so I've stopped being affectionate. I don't do it on purpose, I love him and I'm still attracted to him but just to tired for sex.
I wouldn't mind having sex just to please him but he doesn't want that. Which I can totally understand. He wants me to be honest with him but I don't know how to tell him without hurting his feelings. I know if I be honest with him he'll just want to pay even more attention to me in the bedroom area to get me to enjoy it.
I know this sounds totally pathetic. It's not that I don't enjoy it but I honestly don't seem interested.
I've tried doing it for him regardless how I feel but I just end up resenting doing it.

I don't know how to make this better.
Would just like to talk to people going through the same.

SleepingTiger Sun 13-Nov-16 16:05:59

If he helped at home, did the dishes, chopped the firewood, swept the steps and shared all that you do equally, you might have more energy to expend on play.

You might also respect him more.

It's not Rocket Science. But he and you need to understand this simple information. Enough people on here have shared this 'key' before now.

MatildaTheCat Sun 13-Nov-16 16:14:36

Yep, sex starts with unloading the dishwasher and clearing the kitchen. Or whatever.

Not too hard for him to grasp,surely?

TheNaze73 Sun 13-Nov-16 16:21:04

Spell your problem out to him otherwise the gulf will widen. Does he bring other things to the table like car repairs etc, work full time, general maintenance?
This is a simple communication breakdown issue but, don't let it widen to a point you both do your own thing

user1479050721 Sun 13-Nov-16 16:42:07

I feel its my place to look after the house and our child (when I'm not working) as he works so hard.
He works 7.30 to 5.30, he enjoys his job. Some nights he plays sports, so he's in for an hour and then out again. He plays golf most weekends and does have nights out with his friends (but to be fair not to often). He spends as much time with us as he can at the weekends.
I feel he is entitled to his free time as he works so hard.

May be It doesn't help that I don't really get free time. The only free time I get is when my little girl is napping.
My husband has said If I wanted to go out shopping by myself at the weekend or something then he would watch our little girl..........but then I feel I'm passing up time as a family.

If my husband did more house work I think that would make me feel guilty.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 13-Nov-16 16:46:38

7.30- 5.30 is hardly such a long day he can't help out! Dh is on a 7am train and home between 7-10pm depending on what's happening at work ,he still helps out round the house and does all the gardening.

Racerback Sun 13-Nov-16 16:47:01

He works 7.30 to 5.30

You've made the classic SAHM mistake of thinking 'hours out of the house = hours worked'.

I'd bet a gold clock that the doesn't work anything like as hard as he lets on.

If my husband did more house work I think that would make me feel guilty.

Wow. He's really done a number on you, hasn't he?

GazingAtStars Sun 13-Nov-16 17:00:11

Well he's hardly at the coal face by the sounds of it. How can you become less tired if you feel too guilty to ask him to actually do something round the house?

And it's not "watching" your dd that's what babysitters do

Myusernameismyusername Sun 13-Nov-16 17:01:55

I work full time and still manage to do all of the housework, take kids to school etc. By myself. He's not some kind of saint for having a job and 3/4 periods a week to indulge in sports hobbies suggests he can't be that tired or he wouldn't have the energy would he?
I think you get the last bit of his energy at home, deep down this is what upsets you, he's 'too tired' and worn out to help you but not too tired to play sports. How is that fair to you?
You are emotionally tired just as much as physically.
You need to tell him to pull his weight

SleepingTiger Sun 13-Nov-16 17:03:14

Wow....he has it made.

07:30 to 05:30, probably about 7-8 hours working and other time commuting, which is 29.761904% of all available time. Add to that the 30.00000% of sleeping time and the time golfing and socialising with friends and it is going to be really, really difficult to find time to spend with you. I mean, leaving aside the fact that if somebody wants something enough they work at it to make it happen, I can see just how really hard he must try to "really spend as much time with you as he can".

Stop being a pushover. He has it made.

Dadaist Sun 13-Nov-16 17:37:58

Hi user 14..21
I'm afraid you will get a lot of MN posters projecting their relationship hostilities - and it's not helpful. Unlike other similar posts about lazy selfish husbands, it sounds to me as though your relationship stands a chance of communication and changing things for the better - so don't take the bait of 'what a dreadful husband you have - be a single mother instead' stuff.
Let ne tell you that if you are tired - not getting time to yourself, unable to enjoy life and and are losing touch with you as a person in you're own right - (and that's what I think you've explained) then let me just say ... Your husband will want to fix that - 100%! If you just talk to him, tell him how it's affecting your sex drive, how even affection is difficult, because you are simply engulfed with childcare and home, and that you need help to get back to feeling amarous - he will help! So just bite the bullet and tell him how you feel and what you need because my guess is he will be getting home from work ready for housework, childcare and chores if it helps your relationship. It's not all your responsibility and you've taken too much on, it's worn you down and you've lost yourself in serving every one else's needs. And now it's impacting on your marriage. Just let him know! Good luck.

danielsk1969 Sun 13-Nov-16 17:43:52

Communication is key, I can't stress this enough! You're not a bad person for feeling this way, but if you really really think that you can't open up to him, perhaps seek a marriage counsellor? Xx

SleepingTiger Sun 13-Nov-16 17:49:23

I'm afraid you will get a lot of MN posters projecting their relationship hostilities - and it's not helpful.

Except they did not. At least not on this post and with a probable 50/50 gender balance so informed 'husbands' posted about their own experiences. Mine included. OP's husband is selfish and lazy by my own experience.

user1479050721 Sun 13-Nov-16 20:01:59

I agree communication is they key - but I need to figure out what I want to say.
I don't mind receiving different responses on this thread. Its what I'm looking for. It helps.

I agree I am a push over. I'm my own worst enemy. I wont to be able to do as much as I can but then I get tired and realise my husband doesn't notice anyway.....and even expects more.

I don't think he realises that he has it so good.........but saying that I don't have it that hard even though I'm moaning.

Quodlibet Sun 13-Nov-16 20:19:09

Leaving aside whether the chores are split evenly enough, I think it's fairly impossible to feel in the mood for sex/sexy if you never get any proper time to yourself.

I was having this convo with DP yesterday. He is fucking amazing at doing half the housework and half the childcare, but even so with a two year old and a 4 month old baby, I'm not getting any me time and consequently feel very little desire for sex. It's sad, because my relationship with DP ends up bottom of the pile, but at the end of the day after meeting the needs of two small children all day, I mostly want some physical space and to be allowed to veg out on my own a bit and maybe get some sleep before the baby wakes up again.

I think you need to solve the problem of you getting no proper me time first; if you get that you might start feeling more like your old self and less like 'mummy', and your sex drive might return. That's how it works for me, anyway.

CarrieMayBe Sun 13-Nov-16 20:23:29

I've been in your position for years and whilst this may not be what you want to hear I'm going to say it anyway. You need to make an effort - both of you because this will only end one way.

After years of living like you are doing now, with a very sporadic sex life for many reasons but mostly as you've described, I've just found out my husband has been having an affair for the last 6 months. Yes he could've concentrated on saving our marriage etc etc but the lack of affection and closeness drive him to get it from elsewhere. My marriage is now over.

If I could turn back the clock the first thing I would do is put more effort into communicating with my husband, discussing our issues with our sex lives so we both knew we cared about not having the intimacy. Not just ignoring the issue. I'd do anything to rewind the last few years. Anything.

user1479050721 Sun 13-Nov-16 20:24:39

sorry had to post quick last message quick.

He does have it good........just a shame his wife doesn't put out more lol!

May be I just need more time to myself.
My mother was watching the little one the other day whilst I went for an eye test. I was actually quite excited of thought of walking round the shops for 10 minutes by myself.

I think my husband thinks I have it easy now that I only work part time.

Whenever my husband and I have a fall out lately its always about lack of sex on my part. The last time he said' I never initiate sex'....I told him its because he doesn't give me the chance too.
If we aren't having sex 2-3 times a week then it starts worrying me that he'll be bothered by that.
I'd rather not have sex just to get it out the way.

I want to want to!

LogicallyLost Mon 14-Nov-16 14:31:29

I would take up the offer of free time to go out and exercise. It helps with improve peoples moods and you sound a bit depressed.

I also heard an interesting theory the other day (some podcast) that a good relationship has at least one of the following : lust, laughter and loyalty and that a common mistake is when you are running on loyalty alone you can't jump straight back to lust, you need to go through laughter. I think that's true, even if it's starts with needing the jobs more evenly divided to feel happier with each other.

LogicallyLost Mon 14-Nov-16 14:32:09

improve = improving, lazy syntax check smile

adora1 Mon 14-Nov-16 14:42:24

Well he's got a great life hasn't he, had to laugh, he works hard, 730 to 530 lol. My partner starts work at 7am and is home around 7pm, still does his half share of the chores at home and would never give me the SILENT treatment re sex, he sounds a bloody chauvinistic prick and I'd not want sex with a person like that.

Don't have sex just to please him, you are just reinforcing his power status in the relationship, a healthy loving relationship is 50/50!

user1479050721 Mon 14-Nov-16 16:22:18

I desperately want to have a conversation with him but I'm not sure what I want to ask him.

It would be nice to ask for a little more time to myself but I'm not sure when that would be. i dont think its right that I disappear for an hour after he gets home from work, I would feel horrible doing that.

I don't know why I feel guilty about asking him for help.
He does work hard but as a few of you have pointed out its may be not the worst hours. Plus when he gets up in the morning all he has to do is organise himself. Me and our little girl get up at the same time but he doesn't expect to help out coz he has to go to work. I have to go to (a little later) but I still have to organise me and dad and get ironing done so it's not sitting there later.

I just keep thinking I'm being unreasonable.

What is reasonable? How do you and your partner go about things?

My worry is....I feel like this with only one child, how. Do you cope with more?

user1479050721 Mon 14-Nov-16 16:23:52

Organise me and dd ....not dad

adora1 Mon 14-Nov-16 16:26:48

OP, that is not hard work, hard work is what my dad did, working 7 days a week from 7am until 8pm getting home to provide for his family and never complained. You need to get that out your head for starters, 7am to 530pm is a pretty easy day I'd say!

He is not helping, he is doing his share, it's his home too, his mess, his child, sounds like he's got it easy and all on his terms, even sex.

I don't know why you can't just tell him you are not doing this anymore, you sound like his slave tbh.

Until you change your attitude and stop putting him first all the time, you will never get that break because you are reinforcing his self importance by doing EVERYTHING.

daisychain01 Mon 14-Nov-16 16:56:56

OP have you had a health check recently. Maybe worth talking with your GP about a blood test which could highlight things like low iron levels, hormone levels etc. There could be a physical issue. Yes, fatigue is a passion killer, but ruling out any of those other health matters could be helpful.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Mon 14-Nov-16 17:14:28

You feel guilty because you have to ask him to help. It's a problem as the housework is his responsibility too, but by waiting to be asked he makes it yours.

It might be a good idea to talk about that, you wouldn't feel guilty if he said 'Right, I'm in from work, had a half hour rest, what needs done in the house and I'll do it?'

You need to make him realise how much resentment is building up and how much housework you are doing, then he might realise you really are too knackered to be in the mood. He might think now you are punishing or controlling him by withdrawing sex, but the truth is you are just too tired.

I hope you can talk about it, it's sometimes an issue in our relationship still and our youngest is 5!

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