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ExH swears at 7 year old... Is there anything I can do?

(28 Posts)
Outlook89 Sun 13-Nov-16 14:47:39

My 7 year old is behind - waiting for an assessment by educational psychologist.

However, she just knows so many swear words and can use them in context, very nasty with them too. I have asked her about it and she says "well, my dad taught me so I don't care" and I dig further and get her to give examples. It's just so him. He wouldn't say it in a nasty way, but he is a bit... I don't know how to put it, but would go "oh fuck off" jokingly but she picks up on it and realises.

This isn't a thread about discipline, I'm suspecting autism, she is very difficult and I'd rather not be told about how to parent.

He needs to stop, but goes on about how he can choose how he parents when he has her. It's making her impossible to look after though and it really is the swearing that's causing so much issues.

It's not fair he's doing this to her. What can I do?

Trifleorbust Sun 13-Nov-16 14:53:03

I don't think you can do anything, unfortunately, bar the disciplinary strategies you don't want advice about confused

Outlook89 Sun 13-Nov-16 14:53:39

She has suspected autism, some things just won't work.

ChampsMum Sun 13-Nov-16 14:53:48

Hello, why do you suspect autism?

Trifleorbust Sun 13-Nov-16 14:55:02

I'm not arguing with you, I just don't think you can stop your ex using bad language around her. The only thing you have control over (at least in theory) is her use of that language.

IneedAdinosaurNickname Sun 13-Nov-16 14:56:01

You can't really do anything. If he chooses to swear in front of her then you can't stop him. I can't see it being a valid reason to stop contact (actually I know it isn't as I asked this myself when my children came home with some choice phrases.)
I told my 2 that those words are not allowed in my house (or grandmas/anywhere when they are with me) but if daddy let's them say them then I can't stop that.

Outlook89 Sun 13-Nov-16 14:59:12

I suspected that would be the case. I don't want them to go NC, I don't know really, I don't know what I was expecting

Trifleorbust Sun 13-Nov-16 15:04:42

I don't think you would be able to end contact on this basis. Swearing around a child isn't great but it's not illegal.

ChampsMum Sun 13-Nov-16 15:05:31

What signs of autism is she showing?

Outlook89 Sun 13-Nov-16 15:06:15

Champs, I don't mean to sound rude but that's the only thing you've asked, why?

ChampsMum Sun 13-Nov-16 15:09:29

You don't sound rude at all, I'm asking because you've said that you've suspected autism and you haven't told us what signs she is showing....

She could have something completely different.

Outlook89 Sun 13-Nov-16 15:20:42

She could smile we are waiting for the assessment. I'm just saying that's what school are suspecting

ChampsMum Sun 13-Nov-16 15:27:01

hmm

Outlook89 Sun 13-Nov-16 15:35:17

What? confused

Myusernameismyusername Sun 13-Nov-16 15:40:27

You can't put discipline on hold though this is not effective for children. You might not get the answer you are looking for or it might take a very long time. In the meantime you have to find strategies that do work.

And I say this from a background of having worked in this field myself for many years, lack of discipline and boundaries often make underlying issues far far worse and I have met with many disappointed parents who discover that even with a diagnosis there is no medication or day to day help, parents are expected to work hard at finding strategies that suit their child. Health and education services are limited in this area

Myusernameismyusername Sun 13-Nov-16 15:47:40

I will give you parenting advice anyway. I have older children than you and I have a child who has some behavioural problems who likes to swear.

Your DD seems to understand context which suggests she might understand boundaries in some terms.

•Boundaries and consequences. Following through on warnings, with a consequence - taking away an item they enjoy for a period of time for instance
•Ignoring attention seeking behaviour.
•explaining in suitable language why swearing is socially unacceptable behaviour
•using distraction strategies (changing subject) and rewards for good behaviour
•asking professionals to meet with father to explain DD's difficulties and offer him some insight into his own parenting
•trying to understand why she uses swear words, usually they make people feel some kind of verbal power.

annandale Sun 13-Nov-16 15:54:54

You could check with her teacher whether there are any consequences for swearing at school? e.g. if she swore at a teacher or at a fellow pupil, would it depend what else happened or would there be consequences for the swearing alone?

You could ask the school to make sure that you both hear about any behavioural incidents including swearing? I would assume that you will, but no harm in making it clear. It just possibly might make him think twice if she has some kind of consequence at school that upsets her and throws her off course for telling another seven year old to fuck off.

Outlook89 Sun 13-Nov-16 16:02:08

She doesn't understand consequences she just doesn't get it.

Myusernameismyusername Sun 13-Nov-16 16:05:12

But she must have boundaries at a school.

ChampsMum Sun 13-Nov-16 16:09:27

Not understanding consequences doesn't mean that she has autism... You are yet to tell us what signs of autism your daughter is showing.

All you've given us so far is that she swears and she doesn't understand consequences....

She swears because she has "been taught by her dad"

Myusernameismyusername Sun 13-Nov-16 16:09:42

Don't confuse her reacting badly to a consequence as not understanding them. If she melts down when you impose a consequence that's because she doesn't like it - children do that. If you give in to stop a meltdown then all you do is teach them that meltdowns get them what they want.
It also takes consistently imposing a consequence over a period of time, over and over and over (swearing = removal of iPad for example) that is how they learn. They don't learn it the first 5 or even 10 times

Myusernameismyusername Sun 13-Nov-16 16:13:14

I'm not saying this to cause offence to anyone with a child with special needs as that is NOT what I am doing comparing a child to a dog, but you can teach a pet dog a consequence by repetition. You can teach them to a child who understands swearing in context.

Trifleorbust Sun 13-Nov-16 16:44:35

She understands that you don't want her to swear. Consequences she will learn to understand as they are applied. I would say something different if you were saying she doesn't understand that the language is inappropriate but she clearly does.

mummytime Sun 13-Nov-16 17:05:23

Myusername you seem to be confused between a tantrum and a meltdown.
A tantrum can be done to get your own way.
A meltdown is the response too excessive stimulus or demands and cannot be manipulated.
But Op you do need to deal with your DDs swearing. Does she like "rules" if so then I would make it clear that she doesn't swear is a rule. I would also make sure that she never hears you swear.
Does she swear at school?
Could the cause be echolalia? If so maybe try to encourage some other phrase. Maybe a funny one, or a pretentious one ( my dd likes: floxinoxinihilipilification).
Autism is not an excuse just to ignore behaviour.

Trifleorbust Sun 13-Nov-16 17:11:32

I think a lot of people get confused between tantrums and meltdowns, frankly.

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