Anybody about for a handhold . Drunk husband

[WheresStellasGroove]

My dh is drunk . Again .

I hate him. We have split up over his drinking before . He has made promises . He has not kept them .

I can't live with him anymore . This is going to be a nightmare .

[WheresStellasGroove]

The children are too old to hide this from .
I hope he is asleep by the time we get home as I can't stand it

[70isaLimitNotaTarget]

How old are the DC?
Is he at home with them?
Is he meant to be responsible for them?

How long ago did you split up/get back together?

If you look on the viewpoint that its an illness , is he alcoholic or is he irresponsibly getting pissed.

Alcoholic - he needs help. Not necessarily your sole help but you'll need to be hands on.
If he is just a drunken arse then do you want to kick him out?

[goddessofsmallthings]

Your h's alcoholicism has caused you to be on a difficult path, but it is one that many others have trodden before and I suggest you use the 'report' button to ask mumsnet to transfer this thread to the Relationships board where you'll find sound advice and no shortage of hands to hold yours on the journey,

[WheresStellasGroove]

He is a drunken arse . He can't have a drink without getting drunk and his personality changes . He can be verbally abusive.
I can't deal with it any more . I know he will never stop .
He gets drunk about 4 nights a week and tonight is more drunk than usual .

[WheresStellasGroove]

I am picking up one ds and other teen ds is home with him

[Lemon12345]

Unfortunately as much as they often have good qualities we have to decide if the bad qualities outweigh them. I think you are realising that he's not worth the hassle.

Can I ask why you got back together? Did you manage to leave and get yourself set up? Because that the hardest part. If you managed that before then you can do it again. If you didn't then there are plenty of places to get help. If he is abusive then I'd suggest calling Woman's Aid and ask them for advice. They will know all the ins and outs of benefits and help to get you sorted.
I wish you lots of luck.

Why are some people just complete dick heads... sorry your husband is one of them. Do it for your kids!

[BabyGanoush]

God, that is so hard.

Don't waste your time arguing with him when he's drunk.

Can you send the kids out to friends and have a very serious talk (argument, shout, cry, whatever... tell him you have reached the end of the line!)

But don't get angry tonight as he won't even remember (but you and the kids will sad voice of experience)

Good luck, be strong

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh god op I'm so sorry this arsehole is putting you all through this. No wise words but a hand hold from me

[MarmiteMakesMeHappy]

Another hand hold. I know exactly how you feel. All those nights of knotted stomach and treading on eggshells because they're a little bit extra drunk, and you don't want it t kick off.

It sucks the life out of you. Do whatever you can to get away from it.

[MissClarke86]

I'm a grown up now, but I was in your children's position.

Seeing my dad treat my mother the way he did when he was drunk has emotionally damaged me. I didn't realise until recently quite how much it still affects me. When my mum is upset now it triggers a strong emotional and anxious response in me, and it's been years since ive witnessed anything.

Please leave him. For your kids, if not for you. I don't know the details but it doesn't have to be physical to have a long term effect.

You have control over whether you stay or not, they don't.

[WheresStellasGroove]

Yes marmite that is exactly it. Treading on eggshells and praying the dc don't upset him.
I moved out before and we were apart for a few months . He cried and made all sorts of promises and begged and I really thought he knew that he will lose me if he does.not stop drinking.
He won't go anywhere with the dc and I now don't really have a social life with him as he always gets drunk if we go out or he just won't do anything socially that does not involve the opportunity to drink .
I think I have just emotionally separated from him slowly and now I can't believe believe what I put up with in the past. I wish I had never got back with him.
I think I was young and insecure and did not have the guts to run a mile when we met so just put up with it.
It started after I got pregnant with out eldest dc.

[WheresStellasGroove]

He is snoring on the sofa now and me and ds crept around him.
I hope he stays there all night.
I am in bed watching TV and having a glass of wine ( my 1 and only this evening ) as I have finished my parent taxi duties.
I am in a professional job and earn twice what he does. He has always been around to pick up dc from school etc due to his job timings.
I own both of the cars and he would struggle to afford a flat near here on his wage.

[WheresStellasGroove]

The house is in my name so he would have to move out . That is the problem . I don't think he will go easily.

[WheresStellasGroove]

Thank you for the handholds . It helps

[WheresStellasGroove]

My oldest ds is very anxious and always checking if I am ok. I think the damage has been done Miss Clarke.
I need to get him away from the dc don't I ?

[GabsAlot]

but thats not a problem its your house he has no rights

phone the police say hes being abusive and u want him out

[Cocklodger]

I am holding your hand, i'm here to talk (will be for a while, have a newborn DD)
you know what the right thing is, you know it'll never change (he will never change, choose you, you cannot control it,you did not cause it) so I won't go on at you about that.
Are you safe? are your children safe?

[Squeegle]

I'm sorry wheresstella. I've been there too. The eggshells, the avoiding social occasions, the having to take all the decisions. Yes, it's time for you to change things. You can do it. Believe it or not it's easier than more of the same. And it will be better for you all. Even him.

[MissClarke86]

I don't think it's ever too late. I still wish my parents would seperate now.

Set the ball rolling tomorrow. Be brave. This is no life.

[CondensedMilkSarnies]

Horrible situation especially for the children , I feel for you all.

It's good that you own your cars and the house . It will be a good thing for your DH to have to struggle on his own. Sometimes ,it's only when things get tough for them that they face their addiction .

Good luck X

[SortAllTheThings]

Good lord, kick the bastard out. I've been there, I'm just out the other side. It's hard, and your situation sounds so familiar and similar. Things are so much better now.

Good luck

[PiSeas]

Stella I think you know what you have to do. It will be hard at first. However, it'll be easier than taking the brunt of the alcohol rage, abuse etc...
Show your kids this isn't what is normal. That their mum is strong and they can be too.
Be confident that you can and will make it without that drunken albatross around your shoulders

[Mindfields]

Yes. Yes you do need to get him away from the DC, and you too.

You say he isn't an alcoholic but being pissed 4 times a week suggests otherwise.

No it won't be easy but you've done it before and you know that you can do it again. He hasn't changed so it's time to do what's best for you and your children. You already know this don't you.

[WheresStellasGroove]

Yes we are safe .
I have called the police in the past but he has never been violent towards me .
Well actually once he grabbed me as I ran up the stairs and he can be pretty rough with the dog .
I feel safe though and it is usually a case of riding it out until he falls asleep .
He always denies that he is verbally abusive though and says that I make it up .

[SanityAssassin]

but thats not a problem its your house he has no rights

unfortunately for OP she is married to him so the house is a marital asset and as much his as hers.