Felling guilty, jealous and lost!

[LittleRedWagon1]

I actually don't know where to start!

This year has been an awful year, personally for me, in fact the last couple of years have been a combination a shit and different. I am struggling to deal with the emotions I am feeling at present.

In April I was signed off work (Temp agency job which has since ended) due to severe anxiety, depression, OCD. All of which I have suffered with all of my life, at least for as long as I can remember. I have memories from when I was about age 5, of acting out my OCD rituals, from extensive therapy I now understand that my extreme anxiety manifests as OCD.
Although the job I was working at when I was originally signed off work has now ended, I am currently signed off as not fit for work by my GP. I am in therapy. It is going well and I am working so very hard to get better to a degree that I can start to look for work and get back into the swing of things.

Oh god this is probably going to be long, I'm sorry.

I'm feeling a bit, actually a lot, guilty due to all of the above. I know I shouldn't but the truth of it is I do. I'm lost, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I have a fantastic, supportive and loving husband and two DD's (8yo and 7yo) who I love with all that I am.

I'm feeling so extremely jealous of my DH. He has a new job as an Emergency Care Assistant (ECA) and is working towards becoming a technician and onto a Paramedic. I am so proud of him. He only has one more week of a 9 week course to go before he is on shift. He has been working away for 8 weeks now and I hate it. I cannot wait until he is on shift as we will have him home each night (other than for night shifts). I know it's no big deal as other people have partners that are away much more and for longer. I have tried to see the positives in that I have coped and it seems to have helped push me forward in my recovery. I am jealous that he has such an exciting job, with a good working relationship with his colleagues. I feel guilty for feeling that way and I feel lost because apart from my children, my husband I am nothing.

I don't even know who I am, what I want or where I am going anymore.
I have no family apart from my DH and my DD's. I am NC with my Mother, Father and Brother for various reasons that I wont go into for fear whingeing and making this post even longer.

I'm lost, I don't know how to achieve what I want to do with my life. I feel like if I walked away nothing would change for DH and our DD's. What do I contribute.....nothing! What am I teaching my girls.......nothing! WTF does DH see in me........nothing!

I don't even know what I am asking, what I want from this thread or where to go with this.

I'm lost and don't know how to find myself again!

[Littlefluffyclouds81]

You haven't been contributing nothing, for a start you've been holding the fort and parenting single handledly whilst DH is away training, which has enabled him to kick start his new career.

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, I am currently going through a very long process of rebuilding my life after my mental health being far from brilliant, and I don't really know who I am or what I want to be anymore. So I can't really give you any advice, but just wanted to let you know you're not alone in feeling the way you do.

[LittleRed321]

I agree with Littlefluffyclouds81, of course you've contributed something! You have been caring for your children whilst DH is away training for a rewarding career, which he is doing for both you and your family and your life together. I'm sure they would all agree that none of that has been possible without your love and support!

I too suffer from anxiety and feel lost, and similarly to you my partner has recently got a new career opportunity with good prospects, whilst I'm only in a temporary job. When you have your time alone, maybe take time to reflect on what YOU enjoy, maybe what job you would be interested in the future once you're feeling ready, maybe even a hobby/volunteering that you'd like to start up once your partner is working shifts or your children are at school? That way you could meet new people too and build your own working relationships/friendships with new people and begin finding yourself again.