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How much do you/have you worked at your relationship?

(9 Posts)
NotVeryEngaging Sat 12-Nov-16 15:25:25

Don't want to drop feed but in long term relationship and having a hard time just now - feeling a bit meh and wondering about our future together.

Things haven't been great for a while - we're not communicating well just now and sex life is non existent for last 3-4 months (mainly because he says he feels I'm distant and pushing him away)

We used to have a good relationship so I'm wondering if anyone else has been through tough times and thought about separating but in the end maybe worked at it and if things were able to become good again?

Feeling like I've made the situation quite toxic but if I want to turn things around (which he does) then I'm wondering if that's possible?

Don't want to walk away and regret it but just lost faith that there's anything I can do to stop the rot setting in

SirChenjin Sat 12-Nov-16 15:31:02

Oh yes - almost 22 years married and there have definitely been times when I've thought about walking (as the saying goes, the definition of a happy marriage is not wanting a divorce at the same time grin). Joking aside though, only you can really know if this is a temporary dip or whether it really is time to call it a day. Do you think your life would be better or worse without him in it? Would you be up for marriage counselling?

NotVeryEngaging Sat 12-Nov-16 16:26:22

That's a tough question re how I feel when I think about him not being in my life.

It's v hard for me to imagine but sometimes I think it would be great to start again and like I'd feel very excited at what the future might hold. On the other hand I also have times where I think I'm actually quite fortunate in this relationship and that I may regret giving up on it.

Just feel down about how things are and I get into quite black and white thinking - as in if things aren't good just now how do you it better and what if it's not worth the effort confused

Myusernameismyusername Sat 12-Nov-16 16:33:13

I think that feeling fortunate to have a relationship is not a good basis to keep one; also not everything in life is finite if done in the best way possible - so if you both feel you have fallen out of love and separate, then both regret it, there is a chance you could fall back in love in time. It's not impossible.

What you can't do if you stay together as you are is experience all the other stuff that is calling to you, new changes, a new future and independence etc.

Would it be worth having a heart to heart and considering embarking on something new and exciting together, to see if you can grow closer together and reignite that spark? I think his reaction to that suggestion would give you an idea of how much effort he wants to put into this, because if one person wants to make it work and the other doesn't then it is doomed.

Talk to him

flapjackfairy Sat 12-Nov-16 16:34:58

I have also had down times when i have thought about splitting. We worked hard to turn it around and i am so glad we did as we are so happy now and things have never been better.
I think all relationships go through those dips to be honest and when you have been married a long time i think it is inevitable that you wonder if the grass is greener as it were.
I just felt i has too much to lose to take the risk to find out.

flapjackfairy Sat 12-Nov-16 16:35:52

Had sorry!

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sat 12-Nov-16 16:47:52

Sounds like you want out but are scared of "what if this is the best I could have expected"

How have you made the situation toxic?

leaveittothediva Sat 12-Nov-16 19:03:45

You need to sort out what you both want. You say about sex, but he says you are distant and pushing him away. Why do you feel you've made the relationship toxic.? There must be some issues about him or his behavior you are angry about. He wants to turn things around, has he made a start.? It's all very well and good saying you want to work at the relationship, well make a start, or give it up. Procrastination gets you both nowhere. Action is what's required.

PigletWasPoohsFriend Sat 12-Nov-16 19:06:34

We have been and are going through tough times generally in our own lives which has affected our relationship.

For us communication is the key.

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