Daughter is refusing to come home. Will she be put on foster care?

[JessiePa]

We have been having lots of behavioural problems I mean loads. She has broken 2 doors down due to anger, has been excluded from school so many times due to refusing to comply. She bunks lessons. She is a self-harmer and I have tried to support her. CAMHS is involved but she has been waiting 14 months for help from them so who knows. She is refusing to come home. Yesterday at school she was excluded when I arrived school told me she had cut herself she went mental that school had told me and refused to leave school premises. When the head told her that police will come and get her off she got off and walked to the fields. Head said that I can leave her until she decides to go home as she's old enough to get a bus. I wasn't that comfy with that advice tbh. I tried looking for her it was getting dark and I couldn't do I went home to get someone else to help. Her friends mum texted me saying she was staying there for the night, they woke up this morning to her gone. Police are currently searching. I need to be at home for my younger DC as DP is at work now. I don't know what to do. Will she go into care if she says she doesn't want to go home??

[stressedoutnfedup]

if the police pick her up they will be able to get her a mental health assessment, this should of been done a long time ago, i would of been on the phone to camhs months ago chasing the appointment, school should of helped to. your daughter will be assessed and a decision will be made as to what is best for her.

[JessiePa]

Yeah I have been trying to follow them up she got assessed in a and e as she had broken her hand due to punching a wall in school and I explained the history of everything. They said it would help speed up the process they said she wasn't in risk so would just be put on the list

[Yankeetarts]

When my niece was 14 she was a self harmed,school refused,went missing loads of time once for 13 days,she would end up in hospital and brought home by the police,she kept telling the ss that she wanted to go into care,my sister was assessed and found nothing wrong in her parenting so ss wouldn't do anything

[AndNowItsSeven]

That's awful op, how old is your dd?

[stressedoutnfedup]

when you was at a&e did she see a psychiatrist? or a general doctor? if she comes home take her to a&e, ask for a psychiatric assessment under the mental health act, sorry it's all in the wording at a&e, they can't refuse you if you word it right, it should be done within 4 hours. your daughter needs help, now not monday or sometime next week/month

[YeOldMa]

What a horrendous time for you. I had problems with my daughter when she was younger and I remember the stress it caused everyone around her so my heart goes out to you. Once the police find her, perhaps you can assist they ask for a mental health assessment as it does sound like she is really suffering. My DD suffered (still does) with extreme anxiety which made her behaviour inexplicable to us; she was in her 20's when the penny dropped. My DB did too and when he died we saw the Mental Health Services who said that these days he would be referred for help rather than being left to self-medicate with alcohol and prescription drugs. Just keep pushing and chasing for your daughter to get help, speak to PALS, your GP, etc. Make a real nuisance of yourself because she needs it.

[BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted]

I doubt foster-care will be a possible outcome. Not with a child who is aggressive and self-harms. It's more likely to be a mental-health unit somewhere IF there is a place available. If not, possibly a care-home. Care-homes are not an ideal environment (understatement) for one so vulnerable.

This must be a living hell for all of you, and I do sympathise. Your poor daughter.

[JessiePa]

Yeah but what happens if she just refuses to come home?

She's only 12 :(

She really is suffering and I'm doing everything I can. She was assessed by the CAMHS 'emergency' team, there were 2 people there one was taking notes and someone asking her stuff I don't know who they actually were though

[AndNowItsSeven]

Op a 12 year old would be placed in foster care not a care home.
Bitter there are thousands of teens with mental health issues in foster homes.

[JessiePa]

I just want her to be safe. For some reason she would live at school if she could :( she loves it and hates home. I do everything I can

[stressedoutnfedup]

if your dd refuses to come home ask the police to get her a mental health assessment, open up to the police, don't hide anything, if she does come home take her to a&e and say what i said in my last post, i have been in your position, it's hard to talk about it face to face but it has to be done.

[PacificDogwod]

Jessie, that sounds so hard for all of you

I hope she is found very soon and that she is safe.

At 12 she would be placed in emergency foster care if she does absolutely refuse to come home. Or another place of safety such as family or a close friend.

However IME there will be every attempt made to mediate between her and you to try and facilitate her coming home. If the police are searching for her SS and emergency MH services may get involved too.

Wishing you strength

[user1477282676]

Is home a safe, calm place at the moment OP?

[Thisisacting]

I think people believe there is more help out there than there is.

Ime you can get an emergency assessment by CAMHS through A&E but that seems to have been done.

All the agencies will rely on things calming down until the next time.

Social services won't just come up with a foster placement because your dd is behaving like this.

The police will probably bring her back to you then the cycle will all start again.

(Been through exactly the same I'm sad to say.)

[Itsallabitcrazyhere]

I've had 3 years experience of dealing with CAHMS, SS and the educational system.

Once the police find her, they'll be required to fill in MASH forms which invoke a wider group of people for her care. Social services are something I would avoid at all costs, they have a scary ability to write anything and it be taken as fact, even if not even slightly true.

Likely that a Child in Need meeting will be called which will at least bring everyone you need to deal with into a single room. I would love to tell you that they take prompt action and make things better but generally this isn't the case. Foster care placements are in super short supply, certainly in my area they will do everything they can to avoid placing a child into foster care if it's not totally required.

Even when my son was bailed away from home so had nowhere to go, after a particularly violent episode, they moved heaven and earth not to provide anywhere for him.

Arrange a meeting for Monday with school and hang on in there, thinking of you x

[thatdearoctopus]

How long have things been deteriorating? Was there an identifiable trigger point?
for you

[liletsthepink]

Op, is there any reason why your DD doesn't want to come home? Is your home a happy, calm place to be in?

[AChristmasCactus]

Why is she refusing school and refusing to come home? What has happened to destabilise her so much?

[Beebeeeight]

Has she already got a social worker?

First they will ask if there are any other family members willing to take her in.

It is preferable to put a 12yo in foster care rather than a unit but there may be no space in your area.

Sometimes kids as young as 6 are in residential units with older teenagers!

[blankmind]

Jessie there may be some useful info on this site for strategies that could help both of you. www.livesinthebalance.org/

[pocketsaviour]

OP this is something you won't want to think about, but the parallels with my own childhood are obvious to me.

I too had massive anger issues, got in trouble for fighting, self-harmed and would have lived at school if I could. It's because my dad was sexually assaulting me every day.

Please take some advice from CAMHS, school safeguarding officer, and/or NSPCC on how to open a discussion with her in a safe neutral place (not your home) where she will feel able to disclose anything that she needs to, with the reassurance that anything she says will not be talked about or acted upon unless she wants to. And that if "someone" at home is hurting her or making her afraid, then you will keep her safe and that person will be removed from home immediately.

Be aware that abusers commonly lie to their victims to prevent them seeking help.
"Nobody will believe you"
"Everyone will think you're a slag and nobody will ever want to marry you"
"If you tell your mum, she will be so shocked that she will have a heart attack and die"
"Your mum already knows and she said she didn't care"

I hope that your DD is not being abused, but you have to find out.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I don't have anything to offer. I hope you manage to get help for your dd. She still is just a little girl. I can fully understand why you didn't want to leave her. Giving you both strength .

[debbs77]

Hope she is home now xx

[SealSong]

At 12 years old a child cannot just decide to leave home. If she ends up back at a friend's house intending to stay, she can only stay at the friend's house with your consent; if you do not consent to that then I would contact the friend's parents to say you don't consent to her staying there and they are to return her home to you. They should then attempt to bring her back to your house.
If she refuses, then contact the police, they may be able to bring her back to yours. If she runs off, report her missing to the police.
Longer term, you need help from social services with this. They will not accommodate her, they are more likely to put services in place to help you manage her behaviour e.g. family support services.
They would only consider accommodating her if there was a serious issue at home e.g. she was being hit or abused.
CAMHS has limited scope or remit to help re issues such as these, it is more for social care.
CAMHS can of course be involved if she needs assessment or input regarding self harm or mental health issues. If you are concerned about self harm or a deterioration in her mental health then ring them and ask for an urgent appointment.
Advice up thread not to get social care involved is silly. They can and do help in situations such as this, and would do particularly as your DD is only 12.
You or the school can do a referral to social care - in fact if the school has not done this already they are being negligent. Your DD's behaviour is a safeguarding issue as it is putting her at risk.
Social care would most likely regard your DD as a 'child in need' under the Children Act and would convene a meeting to bring you and other agencies such as the school together to look at a support plan, and do referrals to services such as family support.

Pocketsaviour's advice above that someone should offer supportive space for your DD in case she needs to disclose anything is good advice. If she was picked up by the police or seen by CAMHS for assessment or by social care I would expect them to offer reassurance and space for your DD to disclose anything she might be worried about.

I am a social worker based in CAMHS.

[OhTheRoses]

I'm sad there's an assumption your DD is being abused in your home. Only you know the answer to that OP.

If she's being excluded from school obviously things aren't great there?

The system views self harm strangely in my opinion. A bad cut or broken hand are relatively ignored yet five paracetamol and a self referral are regarded as potential suicidal ideation requiring an overnight stay and emergency canhs assessment.

CAMHS - everything in writing, confirm every time frame, every conversation, everything that's agreed. Put in writing how your DD is behaving and the negative impacts lack of help I having. Note if there is no help forthcoming, they must take some responsibility. Phone them every week, note the conversation, request help andxask when it will be provided. Again and again. They are lazy so and so's.