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When is enough, enough

(19 Posts)
waitingforthelaststraw Sat 12-Nov-16 11:47:29

At what point do you say you enough is enough? When do you decide it's the final straw? When you do walk away, and how?
Dh is alright. Our marriage is ok. It's not perfect but we are mostly happy. I don't love him anymore but I don't dislike him. We're ok. It's just we are chalk and cheese, completely. And he does things and acts certain ways that I don't agree with, and I'm sure he feels the same way about me. For example, this morning the dc's have all their toys out. It's Saturday morning and they are playing. Dh has spent the last 2 hours shouting at them to tidy it up. I think they should be allowed to play and tidy before we go out later on. He hates mess so wants it tidy now yet won't ever tidy up his own fucking shit. It's minor yes, but it breaks my heart watching my kids not have the carefree and fun childhood I want them to have. It's the same about loads of other things. All minor things, nothing major. But minor things add up.
At what point do you say "I don't want to live like this anymore" and actually act on it. I don't want to break up the kids home over something petty.
Sorry, just need a rant this morning

Iamdobby63 Sat 12-Nov-16 12:35:15

I think in your case it's when the alternative seems a better option and you believe you will be happier despite the obvious changes.

Do you talk to your DH when he rants like that? Do you get a say in it?

jeaux90 Sat 12-Nov-16 13:40:30

When you work out you will be happier on your own x

jeaux90 Sat 12-Nov-16 13:42:14

I'm a single parent by the way, my life is difficult sometimes but it's calm and no arguments about the sort of shit that blights most relationships x

waitingforthelaststraw Sun 13-Nov-16 08:39:43

See that's the thing, I know i would be happier on my own. I was a single parent to my oldest two dc and I loved it. The complete freedom. I feel like a caged bird at the moment. Always having to put his wants before my own, always having to defend every decision I make, I hate it. I feel so suffocated at times.
But the dc's. it would break their hearts. I can hand on heart say if we didn't have children we would not be together still. But we do, so we are. Because the kids happiness is more important then my own. But sometimes, I hate the way he treats them. Not in a mean abusive way, just in a grumpy bossy way like always moaning at the mess they make and forever giving chores to do etc

Livelovebehappy Sun 13-Nov-16 09:21:41

Is his word the last word OP? He sounds like he is a bully who is used to not being challenged - his way or the highway. If I was faced with the situation of DH telling the kids to tidy away, when I felt he was being harsh, I would call him out on it, and firmly say that they can play with their toys and that I will ensure they are tidied away when they have finished playing.

Joysmum Sun 13-Nov-16 09:30:39

Why would it break their hearts to be in s happy home where they can play without being shouted at?

It's normal in this day and age for marriages to end. Do you think the school friends of your kids are all broken hearted or just broken?

I'm going to be blunt here. I am the child of a marriage like yours, my mum didn't leave until I did at 18. I knew she wasn't fulfilled and she said to me she'd stayed 'for your sake'. That really hit me. It wasn't until years later I had a revelation, she wasn't ready to leave before then but didn't see it that way. Of course, that's not to say that's how it is for you at all but I think you need to think more deeply about this.

My advice, prepare yourself to leave so you are ready and have the choice. If this means questioning why you are currently staying more closely then do it.

TheSparrowhawk Sun 13-Nov-16 09:34:52

That is not minor, not at all. How on earth can your children be happy in that situation?

Iamdobby63 Sun 13-Nov-16 09:35:59

How do you know it would break their hearts? Also is there a chance that his grumpiness is a result of him being equally unhappy, if so then his relationship with them could improve.

I always think, the happier a parent is the happier a child is.

CharlotteCollins Sun 13-Nov-16 09:41:43

When all the minor things start to feel like death by a thousand cuts.

But as sparrowhawk says, listening to your kids being shouted at for ages is not minor. Why would it break their hearts to be removed from that for part of the week? They will realise over time that it's not normal (sadly they probably think it is at the moment). And they will still see their dad. But you won't. That could well give you a break and give you strength to be a better parent.

It's worth thinking about.

LineyReborn Sun 13-Nov-16 09:42:29

These are not minor things, though, OP, are they?

Not loving him
Him ranting at the children for playing with toys
Him not cleaning up his own mess
and this:
Always having to put his wants before my own, always having to defend every decision I make, I hate it.

That adds up to a pretty major dose of misery for you and your DCs.

I can entirely understand why you would wish to separate and give your children the upbringing you feel they deserve. They're in the cage with you, at the moment. They won't be 'broken hearted' to leave it. They'll still see and have their dad in their lives.

waitingforthelaststraw Sun 13-Nov-16 09:46:46

Thank you joysmum that has very much hit home.
live I wouldn't say bully. But he does try to be controlling. I've been in a controlling abusive relationship before so know all the signs. However back then I was vulnerable, now I'm a lot more wise and stubborn so I don't let him control me, as much as he tries. Like always questioning every penny I spend, and trying to tell me how I should be spending it (like if I get a tax rebate, I'm talking little money of my own, not thousands or anything like that that might be a couples decision). Does he get the final say? Well somethings, big things, yes. I'm desperate to do the house up, he won't spend a penny on the house, he always wants holidays. That's ok but I always end up paying for the holidays so don't have the money for what I want. I have the savings for new flooring which we desperately need but he won't make a decision about what to get and I don't think something like that I can just do on my own so it just won't get done again. He's taken my car, it's just happened that way. He used it whilst I was on mat leave but even though I'm back working He's still using it which bugs me but he's adamant he needs it more. He's always accused me of cheating, in a jokey manner, and we've had rows over it and it has calmed down. But I've not started a new job so it's all "which member of staff do I fancy" questions. Really fucking annoying.
If I try and talk about how shitty he's being, we'd have an arguement and every single time it gets turned round onto how It's all my fault and he's the victim. Every time. So now I don't bother mentioning how I feel. What's the point it won't ever be resolved.
I hate having sex with him. I just hate sex full stop. I think that's from my past relationship. It's just something men want and as I woman I do just to get them to shut up about it. But if I had a choice, it would never happen. I actually envy those couples that don't have it for months and years. They are so lucky to have a partner who doesn't nag constantly over it. That is seriously wrong isn't it?
God I want out!

MrsJohanHegg Sun 13-Nov-16 10:00:52

OP from your last post you'd be doing yourself a huge disservice to stay. Put yourself first, be happy. He sounds grim.

EmeraldIsle100 Sun 13-Nov-16 10:26:32

You have very good reasons to want out and you should get out. You have done it before and you loved it. You are more than capable of doing it again.

You say you are mostly happy but the problems are huge - questioning every penny you spend, him choosing how money is spent, not letting you do the house up, you paying for holidays he wants, taking your car from you, accusing you of cheating, turning the arguments around on you and pestering you for sex. You probably can't see the wood for the trees because he is being so controlling.

Splitting will not break their hearts, they can still see their father. How damaging is it for them to be subjected to 2 hours shouting. The children can see how he treats you. I am not blaming you for one minute you are just trying to do your best in a difficult situation. I just want you to see that you are a wonderful mother and let no-one tell you otherwise. You can give them a great childhood.

Could you perhaps ring Women's Aid for a chat to help you see that things really aren't so great. You could really be enjoying your life with your children.

Dadaist Sun 13-Nov-16 11:29:54 don't love him anymore and you are complaining about the quality of your everyday relationship? If the really big issues like commitment, trust, affection aren't there - how on earth do you expect the daily life, atmosphere, mutual decision making to be good?
To me it sounds as though all the issues are normal but you have no means of resolving them because of the elephant in the room - I wonder if you think he loves you?

yogayear Sun 13-Nov-16 11:50:49

How old are the children?

I'm not sure your relationship will survive from the updates as it has major communication issues.I know as in similar and we have just separated.
Conflicts need to be resolved, through talking and compromise.
Do you feel you ever get through to him?

My h is the victim. However he will sometimes after an argument adjust his position, can never admit a mistake or apologise though.I know where it comes from, he had an abusive and controlling mum so believe he has to resist rather than compromise.
Understanding it doesn't fix it however so you can only see, if through communication, he will change.
Perhaps give it a period of time, decide what you want changed and if after that you know it doesn't work then you can walk away.

Have you always had your views on sex or just in this relationship?

LineyReborn Sun 13-Nov-16 12:57:56

That's such a perceptive post, yogayear.

CharlotteCollins Sun 13-Nov-16 13:22:12

These are not minor things at all, OP. He might tell you they are, however...

When it comes down to it, he seems to put his needs above yours. And if that includes his thoughts above yours, how can you really communicate?

Dadaist Sun 13-Nov-16 17:23:52

You don't love him and hate sex with him. I very much doubt any DH would think these things are minor or "tell you that they are". But I can't see how you even manage a relationship OP. Your marriage is past the 'communication' issues and from your complaints, you seem to want a functioning zombie relationship?

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