Controlling Mother

[JunosRevenge]

Posting for advice here.

A young colleague (22) has told me that her DM is very controlling. Colleague is still studying in a specialised area which I won't identify so as not to 'out' her (or myself).

DM moved her out of halls to stop colleague staying with her BF. She phones her several times a day and sends abusive texts if colleagues answer isn't prompt enough - even if colleague is in classes.

Last week, colleague was told she had to get a flight for a meeting her DM had set up. Colleague said she didn't want to go because of her extremely heavy workload here. Cue more abuse from DM. Situation culminated in DM and DF turning up and physically forcing colleague into car to go to airport and meeting. Colleague says that DM's sister also texts abuse to her for being selfish when she tries to resists DM's bullying. There are dozens more examples of events like these.

I want to try and guide colleague towards some sort of help / counselling, but I have no idea where to go / what to do. Hope somebody can help?

[jeaux90]

Just wanted to bump this for you. I have personal experience of an abusive relationship but I think having a narc or abusive parent is slightly different. With this kind of thing though I usually advise no contact. Doesn't sound like your colleague is quite there yet. She should probably get into counselling to work out strategies of trying to manage the situation if she wants to try and maintain a relationship. I wouldn't though, I mean if this was partner you'd be telling her to run for the hills right!

[JunosRevenge]

Thanks* for replying Jeaux
*
I think that you are right about the NC

Colleague is convinced that everything will be ok if she can move in with her BF next year. I fear that her DM and aunt will escalate things when this occurs. I think that things will get worse for her and BF before they get better. *
*

[JunosRevenge]

Oops - made a balls of highlighting there. Apologies!!

[gluteustothemaximus]

From bitter experience, they (narcs) get worse when control is moving away from them. Moving in with a BF will raise the abuse.

NC is the way to go, but your colleague might not even realise this is emotional abuse. I only stumbled across narcissism by complete accident in internet forums. Long journey of working things out, to going no contact.

It's not easy.

It's so nice you want to help her. I'd point her to researching 'daughter's of narcissist mother's' and anything she can find. The more she reads, the more things will hopefully become clear.

Just letting her know that's not normal behaviour will help her start to question.

Wish someone had looked out for me at that age x

[Aussiebean]

Direct her to the stately homes thread on here. And suggest she read some of the links on the first page as well as the thread.

Ask her to really give it a good read and see if anything resonates. If so the thread and links will help

[jeaux90]

And when she has read all that stuff and perhaps been to counselling hopefully she will go nc. It's the only way to go with a narc. My ex was a narc and it never stops unless you cut them off.

I went to counselling during my split from my narc, it really helped me deal with how I felt. The therapist told me to "run and don't look back"

[JunosRevenge]

That's really helpful, thanks all.

Her situation resonates strongly with me because my own ILs are very controlling. Having seen what they put my DH through, I feel so sorry for her.

I will direct her towards the stately homes thread, and get some books for her to read.

Thanks again.