Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Husband says I am too dependant on him.(60 Posts)
I believe my husband to be an emotional abuser. Many times I have felt like his behaviour is fundamentally unfair and feels like, essentially, in our little world he has denied me my basic rights as a human being! Love, support, consideration, intimacy( said once he controls me through sex), kindness, reassurance. The relationship is fundamentally wrong. He must not love me, I must not be good enough for him. It hurts.
We have three kids and are currently living with my Fil due to debt problems. A few things he has done to give you an idea, the worst was when our first child was a born, he went out the night after got totally pissed and forget to turn up at the hospital, brought back random people to our home. I had had a PPH and baby was unwell. I felt so betrayed. I should have left then. 3rd child he says he cant stay off to help get the kids to school ( I physically couldn’t do it) he was annoyed and just walked off out the door and later says ‘I don't like being responsible for you) Lots more I cant go into it all its been years worth. I just don't know how some came be so cold, I wouldn't do that to a stranger never mind a partner.
Most recently, I feel his emotional abuse has changed tact, and he has now starter to criticise my parenting. I felt one particular incident he was micro managing my every move and i couldn't do anything right. He has never done this before, his nastiness has always been in response to me assenting myself when it came to demanding respect as a woman/partner in our personal relationship. I feel like it has changed and it makes me sick. Another was he didn't like the food I was giving them, but he didn't just say he implied that I was unfit to look after them.
The other incident was when I was 10 mins late to pick up the kids, we have moved away from family about 2 hrs on public transport, I was getting a lift for the first bit of the journey, and bus for the rest, I had left about 45 mins to get to school. i would have just make it with 15mins to walk down to the school but bus was late. so I had 5 mins or so to walk down, I would have been about 5 mins late but was I was rushing and haven't took my anxiety meds, I started to get painful palpitations. I have PSVT (heart arrhythmia) and while its not dangerous its very scary and that with the feeling I am going to be late and let the kids down was awful. Anyway I phoned school to say I was going to be late. I walked slowly as I was getting constant palps, I made it.
Had a sit down. Was fine, just shaken up. I had phoned husband loads to see if he was home soon, he has all different working hours. Couldn't get into touch, but he was home soon after. So he's asking are you ok now, then started questing me as to why I was late, pulling faces and rising eyebrows and saying it wouldn't have happened if I had have planned things better and its was my fault basically. So cold and heartless. I didn't want anything just not to be blamed when i already feel like crap for being late and making the kids worry about me ( I am so proud of them though, they were sweet saying ‘you should sit down Mum!’ I feel so proud of them as they are so loving and kind to people)
So I was really upset as I just felt like i was still in panic mode and was getting a kicking when I was already down. He later said he was only thinking about the kids and how it would look to the staff that I was later and that we might get reported( he said that this was because of something I had said, that might have implied the staff were judging me) I just thought it was a bit sly to set all that whizzing round my head.
And last night when i was demanding to be treated like a human and not be spoke to and treated like an insignificant worthless piece of shit you cant get rid of, his major problem and response was that I am to dependant on him. I just want to live with out being picked on and have a basic level of support as a partner. I am asking too much, I am a hassle. So thats it, I feel so insulted, as i supported him to leave his job out of the blue 5 weeks after having out last child, the second time he's quit and yet I am too dependant on him so he's washed his hand off me. Doesn't care if we are together or not, he's happy to stay together, I assume this will mean me shutting the fuck up and getting on with it just swallowing his shit. So really I need to decide what I need to do. My kids are the most important thing to me.
It really gets to me as well that as part of his job he works delivering bullying/domestic violence workshops, it really make me angry. He even said of one of the domestic violence courses ‘yeah a lot of it was too close to home’ So he knows what he's doing. Yet he will selectively forget all this say I am unreasonably. crazy, demanding.
Thanks for reading.
Oh gosh this sounds awful and you sound miserable. So sorry. What do you want to do? X
Hmmm, ok, the tone of uour post sounds a bit, i don't know the right word, weak, overly sensitive, anxious, unaware of where uour big girl pants are? The worst he's ever done was get hammered the night after your child was born? I'm guessing he was there the day of? It's shit, but if that's the worst, then...it was his first child and maybe he just handled it very badly.
The thing about the bus, it wasn't a major deal really, I think your anxiety played a part in uour reaction there. All you say he did is pull faces and say it wouldn't have happened if you planned it better. Which is probably true and would have stopped you having palpatations. But his reaction doesn't sound excessive yours however sounds like building a molehill into a mountain,
You say you don't know what to do, but could you cope without him? Realistically, could uou? Because I suspect he may be right, you are dependent on him.
Sorry? Yeah, right "Bluntness".
Im sure this is just the tip of the iceberg OP. He sounds awful. You and your kids deserve better.
Are you for real Bluntness??
Op, you are miserable. He doesn't love you, you don't love him. You need to part.
I cant help you with the relationship stuff, all I know I that if something doesn't feel right, then it's not right.
Please tell me you don't have this stressful 2hr school run every day? What are the arrangements now?
Completely disagree with Bluntness100. He sounds like a nasty piece of work. Implying/saying that the school might report you for being a bit late on one occasion... That sounds like deliberate scaring and blaming. Whose idea was it to move away from family? It sounds like he had ground you down to a place where you just accept all his shot as just being him.
You're clearly not happy, you don't have to stay in the relationship. You can't change him but you can make your own choices about how you live your life. What do you want?
Bluntness you certainly are blunt.
OP you sound like you are disrespected and unhappy. You can leave if you want to, you don't have to stay. You can get help here with the practicalities.
He's vile, you will be fine without him. You already know this. Ignore bluntness - it's just your H, or someone with similar issues.
Bluntness - you're way off - take your usual goady fuckery elsewhere.
OP - husband is an abusive arsehole - but you know that. Have you got any RL support?
Yes, I'm totally for real, she needs to don her big girl pants and ask herself if she can actually cope without him.
Ignore Blunt OP. Even if your post was coming across as "weak" (which it isn't), then it is clear that they have absolutely no understanding of the dynamics of an emotionally abusive relationship, or the effect that has on a person.
Your husband sounds like an arse, but I think you know that. Could you talk to woman's aid? They can provide advice and support.
Being supportive of his wife and doing half the parenting is the least he should be doing, just to be a decent human being. He's aware of his behaviour, going by his comment about the workshops, so he's choosing not to change.
From what you say, there are no benefits to staying with him, so I think in your case I wouldn't. It sounds lke you wouldn't notice much difference in terms of having to deal with the children and so on.
I'd also be tempted to tell his employers he's an emotionally abusive git, but that would mostly be out of feeling vindictive, so it's probably best not to. OTOH, I do think he should practise what he preaches at these workshops, as I assume it's how to recognise abusive behaviour and find other ways of responding if you're abuser, how to escape it if you're the victim, and not how to do it.
Personally, I'd be tempted to stroll into one of his 'workshops', interrupt him and tell them all the truth.
You need to leave, for your children's sake. Then you'll see who the 'dependent' one is.
Oh no bluntness no way, what stupid comments.
Op I felt anxious for you reading that. He sounds disgusting.
Have to go out now but omg, what an asshole. Doing some of the childcare very occasionally when you're out of action due to pregnancy, childbirth or illness is not ''being responsible for you''.
That is witnessing you doing everything all the time and still not stepping forward to make things easier for you when you are ill, in distress, overwhelmed by responsibility.
I'd go to women's aid and say you need to start planning your exit.
I'm not just merrily typing this. I escaped with a rucksack and two dependents when they were tiny.
Do you need to stay with this man? You have nothing left to loose.
ps, I can tell you in retrospect now, the strongest I ever had to be was when I was living with that vulture. (my x)
Nothing, saving, filling in endless forms, starting again, viewing houses and being regarded with suspicion, cobbling together every last penny, nothing since required as much strength as the day to day grind of living with a vampire who does nothing but take.
you are strong.
This is easier said than done, but you need to put a block on the words he's saying until you are in a position to leave him.
He is not going to change. He will only try and convince you that you're useless, which you certainly aren't.
Don't argue with him, just ignore and keep reminding yourself he's a nasty bully who's probably got a side piece, hence he convinces himself you're so bad to justify his nastiness. It's classic behaviour for that.
You saw his traits from the first child and so you know it's only getting worse.
There's no point in me saying LTB, you know you should, but you're not in a position to do so and if you had the strength you'd have already left.
Start detaching from him emotionally and see him as the father of your children, who you need to get away from. Try not to argue and defend yourself, as it's falling on the ears of a bully who doesn't give a damn.
You both sound unhappy so maybe a split would be best.
I'd not be happy to be called at work by a spouse to see if they were coming home as I had been five minutes late for a school pickup. In that respect, you are far too dependent on him.
He is wrong the criticise, if he disagrees with your parenting it should be an adult discussion.
It sounds like problems run far deeper though if family are having to house you all due to debts. Between you you have three children to financially support and are failing to do so. That should be top of the agenda to sort.
I've seen bluntness on a few threads being nasty and unhelpful. Definitely agree with kitty. Have reported.
Get away from the monster. Talk to Women's Aid and anyone else who might be able to assist.
red He sounds awful. I know it's not as simple as telling you to just leave but please contact Women's Aid. You deserve so much better.
And I've reported Bluntness's post.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.