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Ah, you again, end of my tether. Hello!

(8 Posts)
glassspider Sat 12-Nov-16 08:09:07

Husband currently has very bad cough, giving him a lot of pain. This morning he had a really nasty coughing fit. I asked I could get him a drink. "Shut up!" He said. "I'm having a hard time!" I should have just stayed quiet because speaking to him when he is in pain or stressed always ends up with him snapping/ shouting and me being pissed off/upset.
I posted on another thread about some examples of his behaviour over the last 10 years, and got some helpful replies saying I should leave. However, since my last post about his shit-ness, he has actually been the unique, clever and funny man I fell in love with. This has stopped me going ahead with any further plans to leave, and I know our son, who adores him, would be distraught, it is approaching Christmas and besides, as you have probably gathered if you read this far, I'm a dithering coward. However, that tiny, silly little snap from him this morning has brought it back home to me that he doesn't stay nice for long.
He has never been physically abusive but he has very frequently spoken to me like a stupid child, getting very snappy and nasty during times of stress. He can be very rude, but if i retaliate at all, saying, eg. "What have i done now?" He will, eg, close the door so i can't leave the room, sticking his middle finger up in my face, then opening the door and saying i can go now. One time, when I said I didn't want to give him a chance to be difficult, he stopped the car, told me to get out, then drove off, even though we were in the middle of a town with which neither of us was familiar and I didn't have my phone or know where he was going. Another time, when I asked him why he was "being like this" , he said "what's your f*in problem... go then, if you don't want to be with me." Stupidly, I did walk away, and he took our son back to the car and drove off back home without me. (Our son witnessed both these incidents, and he I have asked husband not to have a go at me in front of him, to no avail). Recently, he said to me "We are going out at 9.30am." I got ready. When I came downstairs, our son complained at having to go out. Husband said: "I did want to leave at 8am and go out on my own, but your mum decided she was coming with us, so now we all have to go and it's getting late." This was clearly not true. I often don't retaliate, but I do not want to live like this for the rest of my life and I do not want our son witnessing all this any longer. Every time he enters the room, I jump. Am not at ease. I have stayed as know marriages take work and I don't want to hurt our son, but after 10 yrs I doubt it is going to get better. My mum is v supportive, tho she lives 150 miles away, I have no friends or close family and I just can't think how I can get away. I can just about afford to rent a 2-bed house on my wages , assuming I will also have working tax credit/ can claim child maintenance. I just can't think how I can make that leap ... I don't have very much money and am worried about solicitor fees, etc. Plus. .. how can I tell him???

Cary2012 Sat 12-Nov-16 08:14:52

It is never easy to leave, but you can't stay and tolerate any more of this. He sounds vile.

There's always a way out, and other posters will be along with great advice.

All I can suggest, if you haven't already, is going to calculator and logging your details as if you are single, then you can get an idea of tax credits etc.

Good luck.

glassspider Sat 12-Nov-16 08:18:23

Thank you. I will have a look now!smile

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 12-Nov-16 08:25:08

You are in an abusive relationship; his actions are all about power and control and he wants absolute over you. You've already had 10 years of this and such men do not change. As you have also seen such men are not nasty all the time; their nice/nasty cycle is however a continuous one and part of the abuse cycle so he will revert to type soon enough.

You have stayed to date for poor reasons; marriage should not be such hard work honestly. Also your son is seeing all this between the two of you and he is learning that yes, this is how people do treat each other in relationships. He's already seen and heard a lot of abuse from his father towards you as his mother. He cannot afford to keep on learning such damaging lessons on relationships for him to repeat as an adult.

And no, he likely does not adore his father either. He is probably just as afraid of him as you are and jumps like you do.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 are well worth contacting and they can help you with a plan to leave. There is never a good time to leave but Christmas in another property with your son seems a lot more appealing that spending any more time with this man.

category12 Sat 12-Nov-16 08:25:17

It sounds awful. I hope you make the leap.

JennyHolzersGhost Sat 12-Nov-16 08:39:09

What a horrible man. Please do make that leap. You deserve more in your life - don't doubt your instincts, they are right ! flowers

Stickytoffeepuddings Sat 12-Nov-16 08:48:22

Think you have done everything you can to try and get your marriage to work but unfortunately it does take two, find a flat and go.... or tell him to leave, once out of this marriage everything will fall into place and you will wonder why you tolerated it for so long, you need to do this for your self and your son, he needs to see that it is not acceptable to either be treated or to treat someone this way. I'm certain that from the moment you get out you won't look back and everything will fall into place for you. Good luck

user1471518295 Sat 12-Nov-16 09:01:16

That sounds horrible. Not being able to just have a normal life and your son witnessing all of this. You sound really sad, and have had to put up with this treatment for such a long time. Your funny, unique man is long gone - he may appear randomly, but it will never be long term. If your son was in a relationship like this, and you witnessed how destructive it was, you would do your best to make him see the light.

I hope you do what is right for you - your son may adore him, but I am sure would adore him just as much if you split up. And give you a chance to lead a normal life without having to second guess what is going to start another episode of such abusive behaviour

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