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Stressed by secret

(13 Posts)
whateverhun Fri 11-Nov-16 23:08:19

Disclaimer: There has been a v v v similar thread to this in the last week or so, please do not think I am the same person. Nor am I a troll but I have name changed for the purpose of this thread should my OH ever be savvy enough to nose through MN (highly unlikely!!)

myself and OH have not been together all that long, however things have moved very fast, naturally so, I'm happy, he's happy. Yada yada. The issue I'm having is that I am suddenly becoming snappy, irritable and angry and I feel this is because I am keeping a secret.

A little while back a friend whom I know through work asked about my love life, I updated him on the wonderful new man on my life as you do....rather than just say "that's great" - he realised he "knew" OH (friends gf lives in same vv small village as OH) anyway, friend proceeded to tell me that my OH's dad is NOT his dad and neither my
OH or his dad are aware of this information.

Why? Why did he say this to me? Worst thing is I confided in some close friends (also part of tiny village community) who said yes, it's true, everyone in the village knows etc etc.

I'm mortified. It breaks my heart for my OH and his dad, I'm angry beyond belief at his mum, I feel awkward, and sad and just generally resentful at being put in this position. Part of me wants to discuss privately with his mum, if for nothing else but to suggest that she no longer confides in her "best friend" whom this information has come from......but then if it ever comes out and OH knows I knew, he will never forgive me, I can't tell OH because it will destroy his family...so I just sit here with it eating my away. I just needed to get it out really. Not sure what I expect anyone to say sad

inlectorecumbit Fri 11-Nov-16 23:14:52

I would think that if everyone in the village knows the chances are that your BF and his DF already know. Wither these rumours are true or not they have chosen to ignore them.
I would just forget what you were told

ProfessorPickles Fri 11-Nov-16 23:16:38

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through OP, what an awful situation. You have been put in an impossible position as not telling him feels a bit like lying by omission, and telling him could hurt a lot of people.

Something needs to be done in my opinion, as horrific it will be. Maybe speaking to his mum is a good start?

I fear that if you don't act and let's say you get married and years down the line he finds out and finds out you knew all along.

I'm interested to see what others think you should do, but if it was me I know I really couldn't keep it from him. Your poor OH sad

ALaughAMinute Fri 11-Nov-16 23:18:45

You've not been with him long. Stay out of it.

whateverhun Fri 11-Nov-16 23:21:07

Laughaminute I'm hardly trying to "get involved" am I? Jeez.....I've been with him long enough to know that I see my future with him.....and it's building a future on something like that which I find concerning

I've also pondered how they wouldn't have heard the rumours, but then, nobody is likely to say anything to them directly, are they?

RosettaPebble Fri 11-Nov-16 23:35:38

I would personally put this down to malicious gossip and let it go.

I also live in a tiny village and have an ex "that is not his sons father" everyone knows this hmm I actually know from our time together that he is most definitely his dad. (Genetic condition, minor but rare) I can't tell anyone this without breaking a confidence and it boils my piss when I hear this stated as truth. Ex and his ds are completely unaware of the information being passed around as fact. I have no idea how.

I have also been the subject of downright lies and malicious exaggeration in my village. I wouldn't believe anything I heard on the grapevine. People with small minds will find some scandal or other to relish in.

If your fil hadn't been having sex with his wife he would already know he couldn't be his sons dad. Who can possibly say he isn't without a DNA test?

If this ever comes out at a later date and it is found that you knew, just tell the truth. You heard the rumours but it down to idle minds. After all only one person can possibly know and I don't think it is fair to ask her.

Isetan Sat 12-Nov-16 05:27:18

What you've heard is gossip and whether it be the truth or not, wouldn't you want to know if you were the subject of village gossip?

This isn't about you, it's about the man you love being the unknowing subject of village gossip. He's already been hurt, he just doesn't know it yet, keeping the secret doesn't protect him.

Start as you mean to go on and if keeping secrets isn't a relationship characteristic that you want to promote, then don't.

LordEmsworth Sat 12-Nov-16 06:17:17

I wouldn't assume it's true, for a start.

And if "everyone else knows" it's not a secret... I don't see how you can not tell him that he is the subject of gossip, to be honest. What a bunch of shits live in your village, though.

OliviaStabler Sat 12-Nov-16 06:23:49

I wouldn't believe your colleague so readily. There is lots if gossip in some villages that are untrue but have been repeated so many times people believe them.

As a pp said, put it down as idle minds and carry on.

Penfold007 Sat 12-Nov-16 07:00:18

What a nasty thing for your s called friend to say. You don't actually know anything, you've been told a nasty bit of gossip and chosen to believe it. If I was your BF I'd be really disappointed that you'd gossiped with friends rather than speaking to me.

SandyY2K Sat 12-Nov-16 07:26:28

I couldn't keep that secret. .... especially if I had and hope or desire of getting married to him.

I'd either end the relationship or tell him what I'd heard. Then he can decide whether to verify the truth.

These things have a way of surfacing and if my husband knew that about me and said nothing, I'd feel very betrayed.

80sWaistcoat Sat 12-Nov-16 07:29:07

As above, it might not be true. I heard something v similar this week stated as the absolute truth. It's utter bollocks and I know it's utter bollocks so I said so.

daisychain01 Sat 12-Nov-16 09:02:00

Maybe a way of approaching it is to pick an appropriate time when the two of you are together on your own for the evening, and not likely to be disturbed.

Confide in your OH by saying you've been angered by something a 'so-called friend' has said to you and that you think it's probably just jealousy and you don't believe it but you want to share the information anyway. Tell him what the so called friend said to you, don't ask if it's true or not, but reassure him that you want to be by his side whatever he decides to do about it.

You could talk together about next steps but the key thing is, the way you tell him will show him you are to be trusted, you aren't jumping to any false conclusions and that it could all be tittle-tattle anyway.

It could be that it brings you closer together if you can handle it sensitively and show him he counts most.

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