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Relationship newbie - so confused

(25 Posts)
ravenia Fri 11-Nov-16 21:59:58

I've been sort of seeing a guy for a couple of weeks... I'm 25, he's 35, and I've only recently got back on my feet after a few years of mental health issues. I'm very new the whole dating scene, he's aware I'm a virgin and we're taking things very slowly physically in person.

By text he's very different, making jokes such as "what I'd like to do to that ass" and "I'm sure you look amazing even without any clothes on"... honestly I'm confused. I like him, but I'm also scared and reluctant to break my status quo -I've got used to being on my own and to suddenly have someone asking to meet up every day feels almost threatening/suffocating.

I guess I'm just asking what's normal in a new relationship, how to feel comfortable moving towards intimacy?

Sweets101 Fri 11-Nov-16 22:03:48

I think the problem is very much him and not you.
He'said already making you feel uncomfortable. Honestly? I'd bin him off.

ravenia Sat 12-Nov-16 01:19:44

Thank you Sweets I'm so new to this that I don't know quite what is and isn't normal... I have one text basically saying how hard he wants to kiss me, the next saying he's being a hell of a lot more open than me and if I'm not interested to tell him so he can close it and move on.

I don't know whether to stay because this could be my only chance (and in person he has been very much of a gentleman) or to just walk away now.

tallwivglasses Sat 12-Nov-16 03:23:34

Walk away? Run away. Please

goddessofsmallthings Sat 12-Nov-16 03:31:16

In in person he has been very much of a gentleman and a sleazebag by text.

He's Jekyll and Hyde and I don't see this relationship lasting beyond him taking your virginity, after which you most probably won't see him for dust.

I agree with Sweets; bin him off without further ado as he's not 'the one' and he's very far from being your 'only chance'.

FWIW, a 'gentleman' will proceed at your pace and won't make you feel threatened or suffocated by continual demands to meet up.

PoldarksBreeches Sat 12-Nov-16 03:32:44

He isn't your only chance. He sounds pushy and unable to read your cues. Do you talk to him in that sexualised way or has he taken it upon himself to do so? He doesn't sound like he's taking it slow at all, brother physically or emotionally.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 12-Nov-16 03:43:18

I've just re-read your OP... you've only been seeing him for a "couple of weeks"!!!

Dump him, block him, and don't disclose the fact that you are a virgin to other suitors until you are overcome with lust for one of them

Myusernameismyusername Sat 12-Nov-16 10:03:30

That's sleazy. I don't do sleazy I can't bear it and I think it's ok to say you don't like it and see how he reacts

'I don't like that language you use towards me it feels derogatory'

ptumbi Sat 12-Nov-16 10:11:22

He feels OK doing sleaze by text because it's more impersonal - you can't see his eyes when he's texting. He's doing all the right things AT THE^ MOMENT in person, because he's on best behaviour.

He's a sleazeball who is interested in your knickers, and not much else.

He is NOT your only chance! What a ridiculous idea - i bet you are lovely. Keep looking grin

jeaux90 Sat 12-Nov-16 10:35:56

Crack on OP this one sounds yuck. You can find someone better who doesn't make you feel uncomfortable xx

Notagain16 Sat 12-Nov-16 10:39:55

I wouldn't trust him even if he is acting nice in person as his motives are obvious through his texts.

baconandeggies Sat 12-Nov-16 10:45:38

Dump him, block him, and don't disclose the fact that you are a virgin to other suitors until you are overcome with lust for one of them

^ this, with bells on

baconandeggies Sat 12-Nov-16 10:48:35

This guy is showing you that he just wants to get into your pants, frankly.

Asking to meet up every day at such an early stage, as well as sending you those texts is too full on - no wonder you're feeling suffocated.

If it doesn't feel right; it isn't.

DashboardLightParadise Sat 12-Nov-16 10:50:03

Ew, he's showing you who he really is and what his intentions are. It sounds very pressurising to me,all wrapped up as 'banter'. I'd be dumping and holding off for someone better.

HuskyLover1 Sat 12-Nov-16 10:56:50

He wants to have sex with you, especially as you are a virgin (you will feel like a prize to conquer). I have a feeling that as soon as he has sex with you, you will be dumped. Don't tell anyone else you are a virgin.

what I'd like to do to that ass A gentleman would not send that text to a woman he knows is a virgin.


ravenia Sat 12-Nov-16 11:48:26

So it's not me being difficult? Then I have a text pretty much saying "if you don't like this, say so and I can close this and move on." No wonder I'm confused!!

The physical difference also worries me... I'm 5'1" and skinny to go with it, he is 6'3", ex-army. I'm wondering now if this is some elaborate ploy of his. He alternates between sleazy texts and caring ones so I keep switching between thinking he's okay and being worried. I have absolutely no doubt, however, that he wants to have sex with me.

WhooooAmI24601 Sat 12-Nov-16 11:53:06

Switching between kindness/rudeness is his way of checking to see how far he can go, and keeping you on your toes. It keeps you on the back-foot because you're never certain of which side of him you're going to get. Men who do it are invariably arseholes.

Gentlemen don't do that. They don't play games, they don't make you feel uncomfortable, they aren't vulgar unless you want them to be. Seriously, nothing good can come from him or this situation. Walk away and know that even if it takes a while longer to find the right one, you've saved yourself unknown amounts of unhappiness by leaving this one alone.

OzzieFem Sat 12-Nov-16 11:55:13

He's 6'3" and ex-army and you are 5'1" and skinny. So basically when you stand together you would look almost like an adult and a child? You receive sleazy texts from him and you are a virgin. I don't like what I'm thinking here! shock

MakingMyWayThroughTown Sat 12-Nov-16 11:55:23

He's texting you the things he's thinking that he's not brave enough to say to your face because he knows that they're inappropriate. Bin him off.
He seems like a closet sleaze, who comes out via text. You can do better.
Follow your gut instinct and if it doesn't feel right then shut it down. You'll find someone who respects your boundaries in person AND via text.

Costacoffeeplease Sat 12-Nov-16 11:58:49

No it's not you, it's definitely him. He sounds vile, and is in no way your only chance at a relationship

You're 25, you're just at the beginning, don't settle for a twat just because he's there. You deserve more and better, and nothing less

finnmcool Sat 12-Nov-16 11:59:38

When he says "I can close this and move on" it sounds to me like he isn't interested in going at your speed. Give me what I want, or I'm off.
Bin him, you can do so much better.

PenguinsandPebbles Sat 12-Nov-16 12:04:38

Move on from him sharpish

If someone says something to you that you find uncomfortable and you say that makes me feel uncomfortable and they continue to do it then they are not a good person.

Agree with people up thread this man wants to get in your knickers and after that I highly suspect you will not see him for dust.

ManaFleet Sat 12-Nov-16 12:05:53

Just chiming into echo what everyone else has said: he's sleazy in the extreme. He is obviously excited by a 25yr old virgin, keen to jump you and move on. He's badgering you by text and using texts to be sleazy because he's a creep hiding behind a screen.

He is not your only chance, you can do SO much better, OP. With the next guy you like, get to know him slowly, at your own pace, and hold off the V word until you trust him completely.

Ditch him and move on. Better luck next time flowers

DashboardLightParadise Sat 12-Nov-16 12:11:48

Op, my dp was a virgin when we met. Him saying you should close it and he can move on, he shouldn't need it spelt out this is stepping over the boundaries of acceptability and respect. I would never have dreamt of sending a text like that to her in the early days, I knew her virginity was important to her and the progression of a sexual relationship was on her terms, I was content to respect her decisions regarding her body with no pressure. Walk away,there are men out there that will treat you as you deserve to be trated.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 12-Nov-16 20:36:48

I'm getting the same vibe as Ozzie.

He's given you an out in saying that you can 'close it and move on' and you're best advised to do exactly that as it's patently obvious this particular sleazebag is only interested in you for the trophy your virginity presents.

If you fail to act on the advice you've been given here, I fear that you'll be pressured or coerced into having sex with him before you're ready and that the experience may blight your future relationships with the opposite sex.

Out of curiosity, how did he come to know that you're a virgin? Did he ask or did you volunteer this information?

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