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Bullying as an adult - has it deeply affected anyone like it did me?

(12 Posts)
Cloud9889 Fri 11-Nov-16 20:38:20

I was alienated/bullied/ostracised at the job I had before having my first child. It was mostly due (I think) to me falling out with a popular managing colleague. The place I used to work had/has a massive reputation for having a bullying culture which has since been in the news, which in a way makes me feel better as for ages I have been like - was I bullied or was that just me (if that makes sense!)
Anyway, I am long gone from that place but I have noticed that ever since my confidence around other people has taken a massive dive. I used to be confident about interacting with others. I still do socialise but I find it a lot more effort and sometimes I feel like I am just waiting to be picked on or something to go on.
It sounds so sad but I sometimes feel so vulnerable now around other people and feel very insecure.
I have had counselling which I think has helped me somewhat but I was just wondering has anyone else experienced this after going through a bullying/difficult situation as an adult?
Honestly, this place I used to work with felt like School where I was the unpopular kid.
Has anyone else been affected by bullying as an adult and if so did you too also lose your confidence and did you get it back? Its been a few years since I was in the situation but I still have the painful memories , its crazy!
Sometimes, I do think I am quite (over)sensitive maybe which means I do feel things quite deep. Plus, I didn't have many close friends or supportive people in my life near me when said bullying was happening.

fusspot66 Fri 11-Nov-16 20:41:15

Yes. I've been away from it for 3 years now but it nearly broke me. I also have that sense of disbelief about it.

fusspot66 Fri 11-Nov-16 20:42:13

I'm ok now though.
Sometimes the people around you can't see it for what it is.

timelytess Fri 11-Nov-16 20:45:13

Yes. They read here.

Cloud9889 Fri 11-Nov-16 21:36:27

Wow I get that disbelief . I also worry it will happen again.

Cloud9889 Fri 11-Nov-16 21:38:25

I used to talk to my husband about it but I think he just does not get it. But then neither would I I guess if I was not in the situation - he is a lot more thick skinned than me anyway though.
I just wish it had not happened to me as it has made me doubt people so much who I would otherwise have normally been at ease with and trusted .

justawoman Fri 11-Nov-16 21:52:09

Yes. Five years since the worst of the bullying and over two years since I finally escaped the place where it happened. Still think about it every day though the memories are no longer quite so painful, and I no longer lie awake at night having flashbacks.

It has definitely affected my confidence at work and with other people. I reckon it might be a ten year recovery sort of thing, and I think that's ok. Well,it isn't, but if it takes that long, that's how long it'll have to take.

Things that have helped include counselling, including a form of CBT specifically aimed at traumatic memories, being kind to myself, and doing well professionally since, which is rebuilding my confidence.

justawoman Fri 11-Nov-16 21:56:30

Oh, and unexpectedly running into the bully in a work situation a few months back and realising how much power I now have and how she no longer has any over me.

hatsandbagsandshoes Wed 16-Nov-16 20:42:34

I never experienced bullying as a child (I wasn't a bully myself either, just tried to get on with everyone), but have as an adult, and I never appreciated how damaging it can be. It makes me fear for my DC at school. My situation is too recent to say how it has affected me long-term, but it has definitely affected my confidence. So sorry to hear of your experience.

Fortitudine Thu 17-Nov-16 00:32:06

I experienced it and it took a good two years to get over it. I don't think I'll ever fully trust people in a work situation again, so in that respect it's changed me permanently. I've seen how people lie in a situation like that, I've seen how HR harassed me and put me under intolerable pressure to drop the tribunal, ringing me at home and threatening me, (didn't work and I won the case), and I lost a lot of my innocence in the process.

Thatwaslulu Thu 17-Nov-16 00:40:15

I experienced workplace bullying by my manager 10 years ago. I became withdrawn and depressed, and tried to confront him about it because I thought he was just a different personality and if he knew he was making me ill he would stop (I was very naive and trusting). He just sat there doodling a fucking gravestone while asking me if I was suicidal. I walked out and stuck a grievance in, eventually he was dismissed.

I have found since that I don't trust people I work with now, and every time a manager asks if he can have a chat, I immediately assume I've done something wrong. Even when I know I haven't. So I became a union rep which has helped me take back some control, and by helping others I have found a really good niche for myself where I am very well respected - I have worked my way up to be the most senior rep in my sector, which is an elected role. It hasn't solved.my inadequacy completely but if it hadn't been for that dreadful bully I would never have considered becoming a rep, and so I actually owe him a debt of gratitude for making my life hell, which feels very strange.

another20 Thu 17-Nov-16 14:43:30

Yes. Traumatised not just by the bully but how the whole HR machine then closed in and manipulated the process (including witness statements) to get the outcome they needed. I spent a lot of time questioning myself - did I imagine it - was I being irrational? But I found out after that she had form and have heard since that is is ongoing. I regret raising the issue - if I had my time again I would just walk away.

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