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not comfortable with this

(67 Posts)
pinklemonade84 Fri 11-Nov-16 16:38:29

Dh is a huge Billy Connolly fan and when he found out that he would be doing a tour he was desperate to go. A female friend of ours is another huge fan and booked the tickets for them to go (I was unable to as dd is 6.5 months old, potentially epileptic, we had no one available to look after her and I'm also filling in for them with one of my brothers as they're both employed as carers for my mum).

I noticed towards the end of my pregnancy that she seemed a bit flirty with dh. Touchy feely. And writing cryptic messages in Japanese (she's teaching herself) for him on the whiteboard in my mum's kitchen. Something that I put down to my crazy hormones at the time. But she is still flirty with him even now that dd is born.

I don't think a lot of myself at the moment as I've piled a lot of weight on since the birth (restarted slimming world whole heartedly today). And to me she seems to be everything that I don't feel like I am - thin (well I know I'm not that), pretty and she has much more in common with dh than I do.

So, today is the day and they've headed off to Manchester, just the two of them and they won't be back until 4 in the morning. Dh without saying goodbye to me and dd. And I've got this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can't quite put my finger on it and I've been on edge all day.

I don't think dh would do anything. But, I never thought he would hold my financial situation against me - though he made some nasty comments to me about money this week in front of my mum, which upset her.

I keep telling myself that my fears sound stupid. But, this niggling just won't go away sad

gretagoodhouse Fri 11-Nov-16 16:58:05

Poor you - your post made me want to give you a cuddle, it sounds like a rubbish day.

She does not sound like a friend, even if nothing is going on, it is poor behaviour.

And he sounds like he is a total arse. Having a baby completely changes your life as a couple and I think can bring out some pretty awful, previously unseen traits.

Were these comments about the money a one-off? It's normal for you to be feeling insecure and a bit rubbish about yourself after having a baby, and it's crap when you suddenly have to rely on somebody financially.

He should be making you feel good about yourself and not swanning off with some other woman on a night out. I don't know if anything will come of tonight, but I do believe in trusting your gut.

I think you need to start looking after yourself, go to slimming world if it makes you feel better, but keep an eye on him and her and also your financial situation. I really hope this doesn't escalate for you.

Take care flowers

Bluntness100 Fri 11-Nov-16 17:02:22

Well, unless they have a shag on the train or whatever, I think you've got no concern, they will be too excited about the show.

I think this is uour own insecurity and jealousy, that's all, I'm sure he loves you and she is your friend, some women just flirt, honestly don't be concerned.

If there was anything going on, or if they wanted something, i doubt they would be so blatant, don't stress.

pinklemonade84 Fri 11-Nov-16 17:05:50

The comments came around because I'd asked for some money towards Christmas presents for people as the things I'd wanted to get for them were on special offer. I spend all of my maternity pay on dd more often than not as I want her to have nice clothes and warm coats for winter and am currently paying £56 a month for a holiday for us to go on as a family next year. He's made comments in the past, but never in front of my mum.

I made him fully aware that there would be a big drop in my income with me going on maternity pay for 39 weeks and at the time he said that was fine and we would make sure we were ok. I don't ask for money off him very often as I do understand that he has the majority of the financial responsibility for bills, rent etc at the moment.

Mum's response was to tell me to start squirelling money away when I go back on carer's allowance. Even if it's just £10 a week so that I don't have to put up with comments like this again off him.

gretagoodhouse Fri 11-Nov-16 17:09:49

Your mum's advice is good, but don't squirrel £10 a week away to take the financial burden off him and avoid him making these comments, squirrel £10 away in case his financial abuse escalates and you decide to get rid. It will come in much more handy then.

pinklemonade84 Fri 11-Nov-16 17:31:14

greta that's what she meant for me to do. I didn't word it brilliantly, sorry smile

It's been 4 hours now since they left and he hasn't bothered to get in touch (even to check in on dd). Though they should at the very least be at the tram station by now that will get them into the centre of Manchester

We had to go hospital via ambulance last week because of dd's seizures (thankfully all ok in the end and we were discharged the same day), so I honestly thought he would have at least checked in on how she's doing.

MT931 Fri 11-Nov-16 17:53:51

Try not to get too worked up about it. It is what it is now and you worrying about him not checking in is getting you in a tizz.

gretagoodhouse Fri 11-Nov-16 17:54:13

He's being an arse!
Honestly, I totally get why you are feeling insecure and for what it's worth, I'd be slightly suspicious about the two of them too, but even without that he is being out of order.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, to not say goodbye, to not check on his poorly DD and to put you under pressure financially is all shit behaviour.

Obviously, I don't know if there is a back story, whether your feeling shit about yourself is anything to do with the way he treats you in general, or whether it is just the digs about money and his odd behaviour today, but I actually don't think an otherwise nice bloke would do any of those things.

It might even be worth asking yourself why do you really feel a but

Trifleorbust Fri 11-Nov-16 19:27:52

Have you sat down with your partner and explained that your income has dropped significantly because you are caring for his child? Does he really think his salary is his money and your maternity pay is yours? This is completely unacceptable, isn't it?

happypoobum Fri 11-Nov-16 19:34:29

He sounds a bit of a pratt.

I don't understand what this woman is doing in your mothers kitchen though? And why is she writing things in Japanese on the board for your DH? Is he Japanese? Is that why you think she is learning the language?

I would have put my foot down about someone who flirted with my DH going off like this with him, but that ship has sailed.

That £56 a month you are saving for a holiday. I would think very carefully about that. Is it somewhere only you can get it?

pinklemonade84 Fri 11-Nov-16 19:48:01

No he's not Japanese, which is why the writing of messages has weirded me out a bit. Because it's only her who can understand it. She's a carer for my mum too and mum has a whiteboard in the kitchen for shopping lists.

The money for the holiday goes out via direct debit to Haven as we go in June.

He text eventually about 4.5 hours after they set off. Didn't even think to ask about how dd was and we got into an argument over that. He's not bothered replying since I told him that I've had enough.

And I have had enough. I can't remember the last time he made me feel special. Or even the last time we even contemplated going somewhere just the two of us. It's honestly like I'm a second thought to him sad

Crazeecurlee Fri 11-Nov-16 22:38:32

She's not your friend. How do you know this woman? In appropriate to leave messages like that for your DH. When was the last time you two went out? If you haven't been out together or a while (i.e. since the baby was born) I can understand you being upset about him going out today. Not a great idea to text him when he is already gone there but it's done now. I wouldn't text him again tonight. You say you are unhappy. Where do you go from here? Does your mum like this woman? Is there a way to get a different carer for your mum?

timelytess Fri 11-Nov-16 23:04:24

What a vile woman. And he's not much better. He should be at home supporting you, not out enjoying himself with her.

CookieLady Fri 11-Nov-16 23:10:46

I agree with what timely says. She is not your friend and he's a crappy husband. flowers

OhMrsQ Fri 11-Nov-16 23:17:13

You poor love. If it helps, I speak Japanese and could help you decode the messages if you want to PM me.

flowers

pinklemonade84 Fri 11-Nov-16 23:29:46

I've classed her as a friend for a while as she is a big part of my mum's life and her main female carer, so we have grown close over the years. She does a lot for my mum, things that I can't do and for that I will be forever grateful. So, I wouldn't even like to suggest a new female carer for mum as it wouldn't be fair on her as she trusts this woman.

OhMrsQ I never made a note of them as I was made to feel hormonal and ott about it at the time when she initially started them. She hasn't done anymore since April when I gave birth.

We actually haven't been out together properly for a couple of years. I think the last time we went out on our own was on honeymoon in 2014 shock

In all honesty I don't know where to go from here. I love him. But, it's not right that I feel like this. No woman should feel this worthless and as if her husband is ashamed to be seen out in public with her sad

RebelRogue Fri 11-Nov-16 23:34:34

Your friend might or might not be up to something,but your oh is definitely a dick!

pinklemonade84 Fri 11-Nov-16 23:44:40

I've just totally lost it with him sad

He text to say he was back at the car and ready to set off. And made a point of asking how dd and our dog (who also had a seizure last week) was. So, I said why bother asking now and that he was only asking to prove a point because I'd had a go. He comments back that he can't win and I went mad.

Said that there was nothing stopping him from messaging when they parked up. Said I was sick of him not wanting to go anywhere with me. And how it was funny that he went off to Manchester - probably because it was with someone that wasn't me. Said that he only bothered to ask how dd and the dog were because I'd had a go at him earlier angry

I can't believe I've lost my temper and I don't feel any better for it. In fact I just feel worse sad

ChuffMuffin Sat 12-Nov-16 05:03:45

If you've got the Google Translate app on your phone you can take pictures of text with it and it will (try to!) translate it. Very strange she's writing messages in a language only she can understand 🤔. What's the point?

SandyY2K Sat 12-Nov-16 07:38:23

To be fair, if he didn't ask about DD the second time you'd have been upset. He did give it some thought and asked about the dog too.

You both need some couples time, but with your DD being unwell you're under a lot of pressure. Just because your not pregnant, doesn't mean you can't be hormonal to a degree. Now you have an infant which is a massive life change and that in itself could be making you feel low and stressed.

I think the excitement of the show stopped him from thinking to contact you initially.

The writing messages for your husband is overstepping a boundary in my opinion. Why did she do it. Next time take a picture of any message and go on Google to find out what she's saying.

daisychain01 Sat 12-Nov-16 09:10:05

You need the third person out of your marriage. The only person who can make that happen is your H, and he's not helping matters by encouraging her, going off to a social event when he should be spending the money on his family.

He's an arse. You've every right to feel angry.

pinklemonade84 Sat 12-Nov-16 10:08:25

They got back not long after 3 (I was awake probably due to being worked up and dd was fidgeting). He came in and said nothing despite knowing I was awake.

So this morning I've asked whether we actually intend to get things sorted or will they get brushed under the carpet again.

He said it came across that I was only upset because he didn't say goodbye. So I corrected him that it was because he didn't bother to get in touch until he was actually on the tram and didn't bother to ask how dd was. I explained that it hurt that he then didn't bother until they were back at the car and he wouldn't have to reply anymore as he would be driving. I tried to explain that I was feeling like he was ashamed of me as we never do anything together and his words were "well I can't help how you feel"

Surely he should help how I feel? Surely he should be making me feel like me and dd are his whole world? When in actual fact I feel like the complete opposite at the moment sad

CookieLady Sat 12-Nov-16 10:13:25

Tell him to leave and give you space to work whether you want to be with him. Personally I would get rid. His response says it all. He doesn't care.

pinklemonade84 Sat 12-Nov-16 16:27:38

Thought I would come out and do a few errands for mum with him. See if we can get rid of this atmosphere and it was ok for a bit. He even had a joke with me.

But then he started talking about yesterday and that he'd got some of the money left over that he'd taken with him. I was looking out of the window day dreaming slightly so didn't answrr him. And he immediately got on the defensive asking why I was being miserable again when he mentioned money. So I said that I didn't want to talk about money as it always gets used against me. Petty - maybe. But that's honestly how it seems sometimes sad

Myusernameismyusername Sat 12-Nov-16 17:06:37

Ok having read the thread I think you are both going around in a cycle together where he continually hurts your feelings with everything he says and does, and the more you berate him the more detached he becomes. Therefore the more detached he is, the more you try to elicit a reaction from him.

I'm not telling you that pointing out all his failures is wrong exactly, but it's just not solving anything right now. When you feel like you can't do Anything right you often give up trying. But if he listened to your feelings, he wouldn't be on the receiving end of your hurt and frustration would he?

There is the cycle.

My advice is to change your approach to him. It doesn't sound like you communicate well at all and he is making you feel horribly insecure and has no intention of trying to rectify his behaviour to make you feel better. I think you need to stop looking for this from him. He's not going to give it to you. He's not even trying.

You need to decide whether this is a good environment for your child to grow up in, with a detached dad and an eternally resentful mother. Yes there are things he could do better and differently as could you. But you are both feeding into each other's worst behaviours.

Your options really are counselling or separating. Have you considered either?

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