Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do you deal with having to see the person your husband had an affair with?

(63 Posts)
Zucchini07 Fri 11-Nov-16 13:30:21

Hi smile

I'm new on here, I was just hoping someone could give me some advice. My husband had an affair quite a while ago in 2008, and I feel like I am over it and we have been able to move on.

In september our 4 year old started school- it is the same school that our older children have been to- and it was on the school run that I noticed that the person my husband had an affair with has a son in the same year as my son. It was a shock and and I have struggled to cope with seeing her everyday on the school run, as it is a reminder of very painful memories.

My husband has shrugged it off, and said it's not a big deal, but he seems to be making a bigger effort than he used to with our older two. I just don't know how I can handle seeing her everyday, and worried about assemblies etc, it has really put a dampener on my son starting school, as I have always enjoyed watching my older two in things at school, but now it fills me with dread sad

Any advice appreciated, thanks xx

WeAreUglyButWeHaveTheMusic Fri 11-Nov-16 13:51:56

Just remember that she was the one who believed a married man's script, she was the one who believed the lies he told about you and your life together, she was the one who dropped her knickers so a married man could stick it somewhere different for a 'change' and she was the one who was left with the shame of being dumped.

You have nothing to feel uncomfortable about.

Walk in there with your head held high. Don't worry about 'looking a million dollars' or any other such advice you'll probably get. You don't need to prove anything to her. She was just an insignificant episode that has long since been forgotten.

Having said that, your husband doesn't get to "shrug it off". He did this to you and if it has brought it all back for you, then that's tough shit for him.

Oh, and she will feel more horrified and mortified about it than you. Unless she is an utterly vile individual, she will feel shame and embarrassment. She poses no threat to you.

Unless, of course, you are worried about a rekindling..?

adora1 Fri 11-Nov-16 13:56:21

Nice, shitting on his own doorstep, get HIM to do the school run, his attitude towards your feelings is disgusting.

LtEsmeHansard Fri 11-Nov-16 14:01:40

What do you mean "makes more effort than he used to". Do you mean hoping to see her? or making more of an effort as a father and in your marriage?

HuskyLover1 Fri 11-Nov-16 14:02:57

Oh dear, that's tough. My ExH slept with my "best friend" and I had to see her at every bloody school event, as out children were all at the same High School. It's horrible. Mine are at Uni now, and I've moved to another town (had to move nearer to where my DH works), and it's lovely knowing there is no way I would bump in to her as I'd still love to slap her fucking face

I presume changing schools is not an option (as you have older kids).

Sorry, I can't think of any solution here.

Zucchini07 Fri 11-Nov-16 14:04:01

Thank you for your reassuring advice, I have tried to hold my head high, knowing that I have done nothing wrong, but I can't help thinking that she looks a little smug, like she is enjoying the uncomfortable situation. Also, she didn't live in this area when they had an affair, she was across town, and so I guess I am a little paranoid that she has deliberately moved here to try and cause problems.

I don't think my husband would cheat again, because he loves being a family unit and is a great dad, and my older two children are 12 and 10 now, so he would not want them to think badly of him, he does say he is embarassed about the affair.

I have thought about moving my son to a different school, but like I explained earlier, my older two went to that school, so I think, why should I have to?!

Thanks again xx

Zucchini07 Fri 11-Nov-16 14:05:48

He seems to make more of an effort with his appearance on the school run, with my older two he used to throw a cap on and some jogging bottoms, but now he gets up earlier, has a shower and puts on smarter clothes.

adora1 Fri 11-Nov-16 14:06:22

Embarrassed, he should be ashamed and mortified.

Never ceases to amaze me how these cheats shrug it off and leave their woman to deal with the aftermath.

Get your husband to take his son to school.

And you are mad to think he won't ever cheat again, he may not OP but the fact is he has so he has already proved to you that he is untrustworthy.

And no do not move for what he did!

Cricrichan Fri 11-Nov-16 14:06:58

That's an awful constant reminder op. Your dh should be mortified. I would really struggle too.

Your choices are to try and get used to it. After a while you might be able to ignore it or Move your child to another school.

LtEsmeHansard Fri 11-Nov-16 14:07:45

I thought that's what you meant. What a shit situation. I'm not sure I could stay in it if he was being so disrespectful as that and obviously thinking you won't notice or worse still doesn't care.

Zucchini07 Fri 11-Nov-16 14:07:59

I have phoned the council to enquire about changing schools, but the other school that's close to us has a waiting list.

LtEsmeHansard Fri 11-Nov-16 14:08:34

He probably wants to do the school run now though.

WeAreUglyButWeHaveTheMusic Fri 11-Nov-16 14:10:24

I can't help thinking that she looks a little smug, like she is enjoying the uncomfortable situation

Well she's got to try and save face somehow.

I'm sure that's going to be a cover for how utterly dreadful she feels.

Put it like this, she can't be feeling that smug, he dumped her 8 years ago and, presumably, hasn't had contact since.

Also, I, like many women, have been hit on/propositioned/pursued by married men. They've all tried the 'script' and I've never fallen for it. On the occasions I've subsequently seen their wives, either because I know them, or because our paths have crossed professionally or whatever, I've felt awful and I haven't even done anything!

She has nothing to feel smug about really, does she?

Simonneilsbeard Fri 11-Nov-16 14:10:53

Iv also been in that situation. The woman's son was in the same year in primary school. She also had a smug look for a while and would even come and sit next to me at school events hmm yes I know! but that changed when she realised I was much happier without him ..eventually she started to look distinctly embarrassed when she had to be near me.
I made a point to always look my best, hold my head up high, smile! No matter how you are!
It's a horrible situation to be in but keep your head high x

leaveittothediva Fri 11-Nov-16 14:17:19

That's awful. I'm sure it's not smugness your seeing from her, she's hopefully feeling just as uncomfortable. I just hope he's not making an effort with his appearance for her, if he didn't do it before, I'd be wary.

Zucchini07 Fri 11-Nov-16 14:18:19

No you're right, she has right to feel smug at all, and it is probably me imagining it, I try and avoid her now, so deliberately get to school late so that I don't have to see her.

They are both in the police, but work at different police stations, so they do see each other but my husband has said he has never spoken to her.


TheLegendOfBeans Fri 11-Nov-16 14:19:19

Oooh, all my sympathies. I don't have much to add that hasn't been pointed out already but just keep an eye on things; if you have noticed a change in his efforts for the school run it could be one of two things:

1. He's trying to show that woman that he's in control, polished, sorted, together and that it's a message to not come near him
2. He's trying to impress her

Either way I'm sure you'd prefer she had no bearing on his appearance (assuming that is the case).

I think you need to have an honest conversation. He can't shrug it off, what he did has an impact forever and keeping communication open at these times is key to avoid mistrust and alienation.

Big flowers for you though.

NavyandWhite Fri 11-Nov-16 14:19:38

He seems to make more of an effort with his appearance on the school run, with my older two he used to throw a cap on and some jogging bottoms, but now he gets up earlier, has a shower and puts on smarter clothes.

Have you asked him why he's been doing this? It does strange.

mamaslatts Fri 11-Nov-16 14:25:00

She is probably nervous you will tell the other mums about her behaviour. 8 years is a long time, I would be surprised if she is not now mortified by her actions. It would be interesting to know how her son came to be at that school though, is a rural area with little choice? Otherwise that is a bit odd.

Zucchini07 Fri 11-Nov-16 14:26:40

Thank you for all your lovely comments, it's reassuring to hear that what I'm feeling isn't stupid or over the top.

I have tried to talk to him, but he doesn't communicate very well, and his answer to anything he doesn't want to discuss, is to try and ignore it until i brush it under the carpet. He has apologised if i think he is making an effort, but he doesn't think he is though.

Another concern I have is that since september he has been initiating sex more than normal, we've been together 16 years and with 4 kids, it's not very frequent but since september he has been coming onto me more. Could this at all be related?

Do you think if he is fantasising about her, that it will calm down over time, after the novelty of seeing her again has worn off?

I just don't know what to do, as it be heartbreaking to split because of the kids. xx

WeAreUglyButWeHaveTheMusic Fri 11-Nov-16 14:27:25

Tbh, if they still see each other at work, or could easily arrange to, then the affair could have been rekindled long before now if it were going to be.

I'd imagine that he's doing it to show how sorted, good and in control he is now.

Definitely projecting here, but if I'd had an affair, and ended it, and my spouse had also forgiven me, I'd also be feeling a bit uncomfortable and awkward if I had to see the other person in a more personal setting (such as school rather than work). So, I'd probably also make a bit of an effort so that they didn't look at me and think, "fuck, I'm glad I'm no long with them, look at the state of that!"

And it's easy to say, "he shouldn't care what she thinks of him" and it's true, but people are complicated creatures and he won't want her to look at him and think she had a lucky escape!

WeAreUglyButWeHaveTheMusic Fri 11-Nov-16 14:28:40

The extra sex might just be his non verbal way of reassuring you that he has no interest in her and that everything is ok with you.

Zucchini07 Fri 11-Nov-16 14:29:40

It's not rural, its outskirts of a city, the year they had the affair our daughter started school and we travelled from another area to where we are now so that she could come to this school, so he was having to come home early after staying at hers, to take my daughter to school. So I find it hard to believe that she didn't know our children went to this school.

Her partner also looks like my husband, my husband mentioned it once, and now i have seen him, i agree that he looks like my husband.

Zucchini07 Fri 11-Nov-16 14:32:27

Thank you, that's what I was hoping he was dressing up for, and i have to agree I would probably do the same in the situation.

I think I'm just driving myself mad, by overthinking things. i want to forget, then I see her again at school, which reminds me again sad xx

Oblomov16 Fri 11-Nov-16 14:39:22

I'm so sorry. I understand for a totally different reason. I had a problem, and dropping my son off at his school, reminds me every day. And moving schools has already been investigated. Besides, as you said, why should WE leave? It is really hard though. How do you ever really get over it?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now