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Ex-wife completely ignoring me even regarding children

(95 Posts)
Markb123 Fri 11-Nov-16 12:55:31

Hi,

I appreciate it's mainly a mums site this one, but would appreciate your advice. My Ex-wife and I have been separated for over a year (I left her) and divorce proceedings are on-going still. We have 3 children together (9, 8 and 6).

At the start of the separation she made it clear to me if I left she didn't want to see me or speak to me ever again. I argued we needed to speak to actually communicate about the children welfare/education/etc. However she has kept true to her word, when I go to pick up the kids she is in a separate room, avoids being seen by me at all costs, runs away if I happen to get to the door while she is walking past.

I thought this was a phase that wouldn't go on forever, but she just cannot communicate. Even via email she rarely responds and takes days/weeks to do it which is concerning over children health matters for instance.

Is this remotely normal behaviour? She was very controlling in nature, is this just an extension of that control? I find it very frustrating because I just don't understand it. She emotionally abused me for years during the marriage and seems to think she is the one who had been wronged is my opinion?

Thanks for any comments!

Manumission Fri 11-Nov-16 12:57:52

What would she say if she was the one posting? Does she think that you have been unreasonable/controlling/abusive yourself?

DoItTooJulia Fri 11-Nov-16 13:00:36

Do you have anyone that could mediate? Your mum/her mum.

Whatever her reasons are for not communicating are in some ways neither here nor there-you just need to find a way to communicate about the children. I would focus on that.

user1471462428 Fri 11-Nov-16 13:00:45

Is there anyone who could act as an intermediary? Will she respond to emails? I agree she needs to communicate but this doesn't necessarily mean face to face communication. She may need time to grieve for her relationship.

AmeliaJack Fri 11-Nov-16 13:01:40

Can you find a family member to play intermediary re communications?

hellsbellsmelons Fri 11-Nov-16 13:04:11

Well she's not posting!
We don't ask this of other posters, so support if you can or don't comment.
It's not helpful when someone is seeking advice!!

OohhThatsMe Fri 11-Nov-16 13:05:18

As far as school's concerned, have you asked them to give you a separate time for parents' evenings? They should also give you another copy of their school reports.

It sounds as though she doesn't like the fact you made a decision when you left her. Had you met someone else or couldn't you cope any longer?

Markb123 Fri 11-Nov-16 13:07:35

I think it's a fair question - I don't believe she would say I'd been abusive or controlling in the relationship. The only thing she said was that the end of the relationship destroyed her world. I always thought that was odd as we'd never talk just sit on the sofa for hours in silence, with me being too afraid to move or do anything useful for fear of being told off! Not quite sure what she misses about that, but maybe that was her perfect life for her??

Zampa Fri 11-Nov-16 13:07:56

Why do you need to communicate? What urgent matters are there they need an immediate response?

I'd stick to the email communication, providing the children aren't affected by this behaviour and you're permitted contact.

Fairylea Fri 11-Nov-16 13:08:22

If it's an email just about contact agreements does she reply? To be honest that's all that happens between me and ex. We don't discuss anything else - since about dd was 6 she was able to tell him anything herself.

What do you feel she isn't discussing with you?

Markb123 Fri 11-Nov-16 13:08:46

Unfortunately all family are far away geographically and there's no cross-communication so no luck there. All friends have abandoned me and gone to her side so also no route there (it does sound like I've been terrible but I don't think I have anyhow - she just got to them first and gave whatever side of the story she is giving)

Arfarfanarf Fri 11-Nov-16 13:10:08

You need to find a way to communicate information regarding the children.
I am sure she is angry and in pain but she needs to put the children first and that means communicating with you regarding them even if she hates your guts and would love to see your bollocks swinging from a tree.

Take advice on how to achieve that.
As others have suggested perhaps a third party would be useful.

It's hard for some people to compartmentalise but that's what she has to do. She needs to put you the ex in a box marked kick later and you the co parent in a box marked be civil.

She does not need to talk to you if that is too much for her right now but she does need to respond promptly to reasonable communications regarding the children.

Markb123 Fri 11-Nov-16 13:10:49

The communication that needs doing are things like high school choices - apparently she has gone around a few already and not informed me of which ones or what she is going to do. I am 50/50 involved in the children's lives so it should be a joint decision.

There are also general things like bleeding gums - have they been to the dentist? No answer. Would you like me to take them? No answer.

PhilODox Fri 11-Nov-16 13:13:33

Do you need to communicate?
If there are health issues for a child, book the appointments during the time you have the children, that way you know the issues are addressed.
I don't think you can make her reply to you. Sorry, a very not come across this before to this extent, so not sure of next steps.
Keep up emailing what you've done, so she's informed and the onus is on her to do something with that information.

mrssapphirebright Fri 11-Nov-16 13:14:14

Doccument everything by email.

You can't make her communicate with you either in face or via email. But if your case ever goes to court then it is worth having 'evidence' that you have tried to communicate with her via email and she is not responding. In reality unless there is an emergancy there is no real reason that she needs to communicate with you.

All a court can do is enforce access for you. If she is not witholding this, I can't see much that you can actually do.

I appreciate this may be hard to accept, especially as it will be the dc best interests if mum and dad can commuicate effectively and co-parent.

But she is obviously hurt / bitter / angry. This may subside over time, or not.

I agree about if there is another family member that can help, although by wary of putting people in the middle.

have you tried / suggested mediation? Again, showing that you would be willing to try that and her refusing it won;t show her in a good light. Courts like both parents to make an effort for their dc, but as I said, no-one can actually make your exw actually talk to you ever again.

PhilODox Fri 11-Nov-16 13:15:07

Can't you ask the 9yo which schools they've visited? Where do children live majority of time? School applications are done on that address.

Arfarfanarf Fri 11-Nov-16 13:15:08

Book the dentist and take them yourself.
Go visit secondary schools yourself.

WhisperingLoudly Fri 11-Nov-16 13:25:46

I think it's fine asking what she would write if she was posting.

Many first time male posters use the relationship board not to ask genuine advice but to seek validation of their own belief that their wife is a bitch.

The OH hasn't actually asked for advice - he simply asks: is that normal. And I'd bet my last pennies it's largely a rhetorical question.

OP it's good advice to put yourself in your wife's position: why is she so hurt and angry? Do you owe her an apology? if you had an OW the answer is yes regardless of how much you were "emotionally abused"

Is there any truth in the "story" she's given your mutual friends? I'm guessing she must have gone to town if people dropped you so quick.

Then consider what you actually need to communicate about. There will be very few issues that can't be dealt with over a few days by email.

Lovemusic33 Fri 11-Nov-16 13:26:08

I think this happens quite a lot when people split up and it's very sad (for the children), of course you need to communicate regarding the children and the children also need to feel that there's no tension between you and her.

My partners ex is similar but then again so is my partner, they will communicate through text when they really have too but when he collects them she just sends them out the door whilst dp waits in the car, dp then drops them back off by staying in the car ( it's not always like this but quite often ).

She's obviously still very upset about you leaving her, she may be suffering from depression. All you can do is keep trying to communicate with her, don't get angry with her, remind her that you just want what's best for the kids.

QuiteLikely5 Fri 11-Nov-16 13:30:01

There is no need imo. Assume your ex is taking care of everything unless she tells you otherwise.

If she was as bad as you state then you should be pleased she avoids you! I know I would be........

Manumission Fri 11-Nov-16 13:30:17

I think it's a fair question - I don't believe she would say I'd been abusive or controlling in the relationship. The only thing she said was that the end of the relationship destroyed her world. I always thought that was odd as we'd never talk just sit on the sofa for hours in silence, with me being too afraid to move or do anything useful for fear of being told off! Not quite sure what she misses about that, but maybe that was her perfect life for her??

That sounds really very unusual. Literally sitting for hours side by side in silence? Do you think maybe there is some other issue there?

For the looming school decision, you probably need to get into formal mediation quickly so that you can move on to legal steps if something really outrageous develops. She has to realise that some communication is absolutely necessary.

Manumission Fri 11-Nov-16 13:32:48

Well she's not posting!
We don't ask this of other posters, so support if you can or don't comment.
It's not helpful when someone is seeking advice!

I thought it would be helpfully diagnostic hells, i.e. give us an idea if OP had ANY idea what the ex's reasons were in what sounds quite an extreme situation.

bibliomania Fri 11-Nov-16 13:34:03

You can't force her to behave in a certain way. I think you might have to adjust your expectations and aim for parallel parenting rather than co-parenting.

I'm not trying to catch you out, but you have dcs nearly old enough for high school, and they're not capable of telling you themselves whether they/their siblings have been to the dentist?

Have you a reason to think that your ex's choice of high school will be a bad one?

Manumission Fri 11-Nov-16 13:36:28

You could ask the local authority handling admissions for advice too, if you don't want to go as far as solicitors ATM.

Markb123 Fri 11-Nov-16 13:38:02

Many first time male posters use the relationship board not to ask genuine advice but to seek validation of their own belief that their wife is a bitch.

Yes I can see that could be inferred, I'm hoping I'm not posting for that reason. I can see reasons she'd hate or dislike me just for walking out. But I see plenty of other broken relationships where the split seems more acrimonious and there is still communication there, especially around the children. I'm just wondering which is the "norm" (if anything is in these situations I guess)

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