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Selfish partner

(45 Posts)
user1478811493 Thu 10-Nov-16 21:13:55

Hello all,

So this is my first post on here. I needed some advice from people who can relate.
I'll explain...
I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. It has been a bloomin emotional and rocky relationship. He wanted to go traveling which I have done nothing but support him. So when we first started seeing each other, it was on the basis that it was going to end when he went left the country.
Things moved along, and we got a bit more serious and decided that we would stay together whilst he traveled - and he has even reduced his trip from a year to 4 months. We have plans to move in with each other when he is back so everything is positive. Sounds nice right?
Well, he has been away for 3 months now, and I have had a lot of time to reflect on everything. I'll go into my concerns.
1) Everything always has to be about him. If I have an issue, I can't raise it as he will snap at me and turn it around.
2) He seems to think I have a problem with everything he does - when I dont. Even when he smokes weed with his best friend, or if he meets up with a female mate. I dont have an issue because I trust him. An example - the other week, he met with an old friend whilst on his travels. I had no issue, but when he met her, he sent me a horrid message saying that I have a problem with it bla bla. I was up until 4:30am trying to reason with him and assure him that I didnt have a problem. (I had to be up at 6am!) Why on earth would he do this?
3) He is very bad with money. The whole time I have been with him, he has had no money due to saving for his trip. He is now 3 months into it and has run out of money, so his mum is bailing him out. But also, this has meant that valentines day, my birthday etc - I didnt even get a card. Not saying that I need gifts, but small thoughts count right? Considering I got him some pretty cool birthday presents.
4) I guess this is a huge concern of mine - and I don't know if Im being selfish for finding this a concern. In the bedroom - he is the most selfish lover I have been with. He never touches me, at all. It's very frustrating... and when I try to hint around it - he is like ''I'll do more to satisfy you'' but he never even tries. He wanks a lot. I know that for sure, because he has such a long refractory period. If he has wanked, we can't have sex. Then again, when we do have sex, he can't last. When we first started talking, he was so sexual over text. But since he has been away - nothing. And he can't go without wanking, so he hasn't even bothered to include me in a conversation about it. How would any of you deal with this? Any advice is needed!!

But the good points - we get on. We share hobbies and he is affectionate in cuddles and that. But he isnt a guy who offers ''verbal affirmation'' He doesnt really compliment me, which I guess has affected my confidence as well. It took him 10 months to say I love you. He can be sweet in that way and I enjoy being around him. But these concerns are big, and I guess with all of the thinking time since he has been away - Im starting to get cold feet. I worry if I will lose my feelings for him.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this? If so, how did you deal with it or move it forward?


AnyFucker Thu 10-Nov-16 21:18:33

Just let him go

This is far too difficult

When I first met my (future) husband he was just about to go on a round the world trip

He still went. But he was back way before he was meant to be and I was never made to feel in torment about what he was up to

Also, absence made the heart grow fonder. That is what is meant to happen if you are right together

You two are not right together

PedantPending Thu 10-Nov-16 21:18:53

Dump. Now.
Waste of time.

suspiciousofgoldfish Thu 10-Nov-16 21:25:52

I am struggling to find anything positive about him.

Don't waste your time.

donajimena Thu 10-Nov-16 21:31:08

You need to bin him off. It shouldn't be causing you this much stress. He sounds selfish and nasty.
He's not the only man in the world.

FetchezLaVache Thu 10-Nov-16 21:31:15

Big long list of negatives (any one of which on its own would, in my view, justify dumping him), a very short list of positives. You can't build a life with this man.

leaveittothediva Thu 10-Nov-16 21:33:31

It's all there in front of your eyes, read it again. You don't need any of us to answer for you. You should have a gut instinct by now about him. He's not worth the effort.

user1478811493 Thu 10-Nov-16 21:33:34

I have pointed the negatives more so than the positives. There are a lot of positives, which is why Im still with him. (I'm 28)
I have been missing him as well. These concerns just creep up. We are good when we're together. But maybe it is a waste of time. I'm going to have to see and not be afraid to end if it I need to.
If it was to work - how would you deal with the part where he is selfish in bed?

AnyFucker Thu 10-Nov-16 21:35:27

Why would you want to stay with someone who is selfish in bed ? confused

user1478811493 Thu 10-Nov-16 21:38:00

Thats a good point. But I guess because a relationship isnt all about sex. But then again, it is kind of important. Been with him a year, and hes not given me one orgasm!!

AnyFucker Thu 10-Nov-16 21:39:51

Has he even tried ? Has he even noticed ?

user1478811493 Thu 10-Nov-16 21:42:25

He has noticed. He keeps saying ''Im going to do more for you'' but he just doesnt. Im unsure if it's a self confidence issue, or just selfishness. Although judging by our first experience in the bedroom - I didn't get the impression that he was experienced.

LisaMed1 Thu 10-Nov-16 21:42:44

How do you think he would be if you hit a crisis? If you had a life changing illness or accident?

If you don't feel he would be 100% on your side, I think you need to let go. You can get friends who would be less demanding to share hobbies and a laugh.

btw - the insisting you have a problem with stuff which you don't and making a massive three act drama about it? It means you are being trained not to say anything even if you do have a problem with stuff.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Thu 10-Nov-16 21:43:33

Have you tried saying "no, not yet, touch me there first"?

magoria Thu 10-Nov-16 21:45:42

You know if you stay with him you will be the one bailing him out not mummy right?

Life is too short. All this crap in a year.

The first year is when you make the effort. If he is that crap now what is he going to be in a few when he is comfortable and doesn't try any more?

user1478811493 Thu 10-Nov-16 21:49:01

I think he has gotten into my head. Saying that he is training me not to say stuff even if I have a problem. You're right. There's a lot more stuff like this. He has totally and utterly brainwashed me, and I've lost track of who I am.
Any argument - I have to back down. If he does anything that upsets me, he gets angry and turns it and I feel like it's my fault and have to appologise.


OMG HOW COULD I BE SO BLIND!!!!!!!!! No woman deserves that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Underchipsandpeas Thu 10-Nov-16 21:53:05


TheNaze73 Thu 10-Nov-16 21:53:57

He sounds like a grade A tit. It shouldn't be this difficult less than a year in

user1478811493 Thu 10-Nov-16 21:54:39

I know what I have to do. Just can't believe I put myself in this situation.

pictish Thu 10-Nov-16 21:56:11

Ewww. confused

HeddaGarbled Thu 10-Nov-16 22:02:01

He sounds awful. Every single one of your 4 points would be a deal breaker for me. Imagine the rest of your life with all of that. No orgasms for the rest of your life unless you DIY. No presents, not even a card for your birthday. Points 1 & 2 are gaslighting. Another year and you'll be a shell of yourself, doubting the validity of your thoughts and feelings, tiptoeing around him avoiding conflict, self-esteem on the floor.

Save yourself now while you are still young and not entirely crushed.

AnyFucker Thu 10-Nov-16 22:10:33

Save yourself !

CocktailQueen Thu 10-Nov-16 22:16:16

LTB. Points 1-4 are deal breakers. So what if you 'get on' and share hobbies? He's abusive, selfish and paranoid.

It's meant to be your honeymoon period!!!

Dump him and move on.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 10-Nov-16 22:29:25

Oh dear. I see you are realising. The sexual side of things sorry but made me do a cringe wince. I can't imagine actually wanting to lie there praying to be touched and pondering how much he had wanked already to work out how long the experience was going to last.

He's doing a real number on you in that he doesn't seem to have virtually any adult male, mature attractions about him. Ok he can be fun, but so can my cat.

To break this down, he's what late 20's? He still hasn't learnt about how to manage money, doesn't know how to be part of a mutually enjoyable sexual relationship and likes to make you stay up all night grovelling over something you haven't done.

Someone needs to have more than one good point that they are fun, about them to make a serious long term relationship work. I think it's not relevant he's gone travelling here because many people do and you have been more than understanding about that.

I think you need to run away. I don't think a man like this can be trained into being the man you would like him to be. He's needy, controlling and selfish

Please! Be happy and live your life without this man sized milestone round your neck

user1471450764 Thu 10-Nov-16 23:03:52

Run run please run - you deserve better!

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