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Desperate for opinions - male and female

(21 Posts)
silvercandle Thu 10-Nov-16 11:09:04

Will try to keep this short but it's a messy situation so apologies for future drip feeding.

Have been with my husband for 26 years since I was 18. He is 3 years older than me.

He was seeing someone who had a boyfriend when we got together. (He finished with her before we got together). He was kind in some ways but in other ways he really wasn't. He told me intimate details about his sex life, made crass comments, portrayed himself as some kind of sex expert and told me he'd slept with someone from his friendship group who he hadn't. I was in her company at times. There are other things but this gives you some idea. I would not look twice at someone like this now so I think that says a lot about me.

Anyway we overcame these things and got married and had a child. From the moment I was pregnant he wasn't interested in sex and never initiated it. This continued for 8-9 years. He claims now to not know why he behaved like that and says it wasn't because I was pregnant. (I could understand that if this was the reason but this continued for years)

After 8-9 years, I wanted to sort things out. (I had done before then and had tried but really didn't know how. Obviously I was very hurt.) So I tried to initiate things in a fun way. So the next stage of this mess then started and he couldn't get an erection. Not ever. This was my confidence shot to pieces. With everything previously it hurt so much. I took the approach of being patient and bought a bullet vibrator and nice underwear. It still didn't work. I suggested he bought an outfit so he bought a head to toe lace suit which he wanted me in with the lights on. I didn't feel comfortable with this.

Sorry this is long.....

2 years ago I found him watching porn and again was devastated. Not because of the porn, although I personally think it's exploitative, but because he was doing this but having no sex life with me.

About a year ago he got viagra so we are having sex now. I have discussed with him having a vasectomy as we use condoms which he doesn't like. This was about a year ago and he has not discussed with me about having it done. When I've asked him he said the surgery was an hour away, then he was busy with work and then this weekend he doesn't want to have it because of the risks and he read online that it's unusual to have it now. What angers me is not that he doesn't want it but that he hasn't communicated with me or discussed it with me.

Had a terrible weekend. Went to have sex and he remembered he'd run out of condoms and wanted to pop to the pub toilet. Seriously! It just felt like another kick in the teeth. Our daughter was away for the weekend and he couldn't even ensure he had bloody condoms. I feel he totally disrespects my feelings and has serious issues with sex.
I just can't work out what exactly or why. I've asked him if he's gay and although I'd be devastated at being lied to, at least I'd have some answers about my life which he controls.

I'm so sorry this is so long. Please don't suggest I leave. It's not an option for me.

Thank you so much for reading.

WayHarshTai Thu 10-Nov-16 11:15:58

Why is leaving not an option? He sounds horrible, frankly.

I would assume he's gay, it would tie in to all the posturing about sex when you met.

Mybugslife Thu 10-Nov-16 11:35:18

Maybe he just doesn't want to have sex anymore and is worried about hurting you by telling you?
I don't think jumping to the conclusion he's gay is really the right thing to do...
You need to sit down and have a proper chat with him.

Also, it's not just his responsibility to make sure you have condoms. I'm sure you more than able to pop some in the trolley on your weekly shop or get some from a chemist. Or why can you not go on other forms of contraception if he does not want a vasectomy?

silvercandle Thu 10-Nov-16 11:44:44

Thank you Way. I hope you don't mind but I don't want to go into why I can't leave. Happy to do so later on in the thread.

Hi Mybugslife. I've tried talking to him. He gives no answers. He says he doesn't know which is frustrating. If he said he didn't want sex anymore that wouldn't hurt me anymore - in fact I'd respect him so much for being honest. I really don't think this is the issue. Especially as overnight he stopped being interested - we were still young.

I'm happy to buy contraception. I'd just like to feel like he's bothered enough to put the effort in. That's not game playing but it's very hurtful having years of him not being interested. (I can't take hormonal contraception)

I also don't think he's gay (although to be honest can't say for sure). The porn he was looking at was of women.

I'm just looking for something I've missed that seems obvious to someone else. I just want a normal relationship with the usual ups and downs that life brings.

I've wondered if he has a personality disorder. I just don't know.

silvercandle Thu 10-Nov-16 13:13:46


RebeccaWithTheGoodHair Thu 10-Nov-16 13:20:10

Do you want to have sex with him only, or just to have a sexual relationship full stop?

Cricrichan Thu 10-Nov-16 13:24:52

It's impossible to know why he doesn't have sex. In my experience, men have always wanted sex, regardless of any crap going on in our lives, it's been me who needs the emotional connection to want sex. However, there are men with low sex drives. Do men with low sex drives want to watch porn etc? I don't know.

So unless he is asexual , or has an extremely low sex drive, then the problem is that he isn't attracted to you. But many men will have sex with people they're not attracted to too?

How is your relationship in other ways? Do you love him? It's a shame that you're never experienced being desired and you have to decide whether the rest of your relationship is worth the lack of sex etc.

Montane50 Thu 10-Nov-16 13:29:21

If you're happy to go into why you don't want to leave? Thats fair enough, but to drip feed and say you'll reveal all later in the thread? Its mumsnet not Corrie, dont expect balanced replies while drip feeding-its not fair on the people taking time to try and coax it out, and its not fair on you as the advice may differ once the whole story is revealed

Pennypinkhair Thu 10-Nov-16 13:35:19

I didn't just want to read and run but don't really have any advice for you. Sorry. I am in a very similar situation as you and after 18 years of marriage, I am seriously considering leaving. My dh will no longer even discuss sex and avoids intimacy of any kind as he is no longer able to get an erection even with viagra and feels like I am pushing for more even if I try to kiss him. He takes medication which has effectively ended our sex life but will not go to the gp to see if anything can be changed. We haven't been intimate for over 6 years, and the complete lack of affection has damaged my self esteem and makes me feel unattractive and lonely in my marriage. What hurts is that he is happy to continue with things as they are ( an otherwise very happy, good marriage) but I am not and I feel that he is being selfish in thinking that this imposed celibacy is fine for me. I have also considered a fwb but this would have to be secret and I am not a deceitful person.
So I am sorry that you are going through this and just wanted to say your not alone. flowers

silvercandle Thu 10-Nov-16 13:35:48

Will reply properly soon. Just popping out.

Just wanted to let you know Montana that I'm not deliberately drip feeding. Sorry if I didn't explain - what I meant was as people post I may (or may not) remember other relevant things. It's very messy and my first post doesn't cover absolutely everything.

Also I'm not planning a big reveal! I'd rather not say why I can't leave yet because to be honest I think people will think it's not a good reason and I don't want any advice to be side tracked by that.

silvercandle Thu 10-Nov-16 13:36:33

Montane smile

Mineiswine69 Thu 10-Nov-16 13:36:39

He won't be gay if watching straight porn.

OhNoNotMyBaby Thu 10-Nov-16 13:40:32

I'm struggling to understand why you've stuck with him for 26 years, and why you even want to have sex with him. You don't appear to love him...

FWIW I suspect he is gay, though he may not even realise this himself.

TheNaze73 Thu 10-Nov-16 13:40:48

I think with the minimal amount of information you've given, it's quite difficult to say. There must be a way bigger story behind this however, based on what you've said, I think this is done sadly.
You quite rightly sound at the end of your tether & he really isn't into you sexually at all from what you've said

Whysonegativebepositive Thu 10-Nov-16 13:49:39

So sorry to hear this silvercandle. Maybe there is something deep routed going on that he hasn't told you about. I think you both need to go to counselling to get to the bottom of what exactly is going on.
If he isn't prepared to do that then leaving might be your only option

Offred Thu 10-Nov-16 14:00:25

Just want to say you don't need any reason beyond 'wanting to leave' to leave.

Montane50 Thu 10-Nov-16 22:24:46

As offred says, you really dont need a reason other than its just not working, honestly, life is too short and you deserve a happy fulfilled life not the partial life you currently have x

herwegoagain123 Thu 10-Nov-16 22:34:44

Could he be getting it elsewhere? Sex workers? Check atm withdrawals and phone bills. My h was like this so I investigated and that's what I found out going back 10 years. Nice.

herwegoagain123 Thu 10-Nov-16 22:37:31

I thought he might be gay or had low sex drive. No. Was porn and sex addict. Or some excuse for being immoral.

Sneakynamechage Fri 11-Nov-16 17:15:51

It is a possibility you could buy condoms - not just him.
It's obvious he doesn't want a vasectomy.
I love how when a man doesn't want sex it's gotta be
1. He's having an affair
2. Disrespecting your feelings
3. Gay

And what ever rubbish gets spilled out. Maybe he's seeing sex as a chore now because you're wanting to talk about it or showing disappointment.
Take it back to the start, dinner dates, movies - bring the spark back. Kissing and cuddling without sex so you're both not feeling any pressure.

silvercandle Fri 11-Nov-16 17:43:28

Thanks for all your comments. I was really low yesterday and it helped to get it all out of my head.

Penny - sorry to hear you're in a similar situation. You're right, it's very lonely.

hearwegoagain - sorry to hear you've also had a rubbish time and hope things are better for you now. I'll keep what you've said at the front of my mind.

sneaky - I've explained that I'm happy to buy condoms but not if I have no use for them! It's very hurtful when you're the one initiating sex every time. I realise since the weekend that he doesn't want a vasectomy - that's not the issue. It's his lack of communicating this to me after we initially discussed it a year ago. He doesn't address anything to do with sex and I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for communication in a marriage.

I do love him but I want to be married, not a housemate.

Thanks again everyone.

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