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So. Hot and cold men are the worst, right?

(33 Posts)
PineappleFwitters Thu 10-Nov-16 08:47:54

Been vaguely seeing this guy for a bit. When we're together we have a lot of fun, good laugh, plenty of chemistry etc (not DTD yet). But then he will literally go a week without getting in touch with me, which makes me think he can't be that interested after all.

Last week we arranged to meet this weekend but I didn't hear from him since so I assumed he'd cancel. Texted him this morning to suggest a venue and he's still on for meeting! So am I overthinking things and being paranoid (history of men behaving shoddily here) or is he just not that fussed about me? Quite happy to hear IBU even though I know this isn't AIBU!

Myusernameismyusername Thu 10-Nov-16 09:13:39

I think its not always that he is being a twat but this is just what he is like.
He's clearly able and happy to carry on his every day life inbetween dates without thinking of you.
I would say this makes him quite emotionally unavailable and clearly not ready for any kind of commitment, it does not have to mean he doesn't like you - or he wouldn't keep seeing you.

You just have to decide whether this is meeting your emotional needs at all, and if not, you should walk away. I think it's dangerous to hold onto the hope he will change unless he knows what you want from him and he is willing to do this, he doesn't have to but then he would know what it is you would like too.
Depends how long or serious it is.
You will be the one hurt in the end at arms length if you invest more than he does.
If it's fun and you can detach then have fun. But it stops being fun when one person wants more than the other wants to give

PineappleFwitters Thu 10-Nov-16 09:55:55

Thanks. Those are wise words. At the moment in just after having fun and not being too serious, but am not keen on his non-contact between dates either! Probably more my issue really as it's early days.

springydaffs Thu 10-Nov-16 10:36:36

Just let the friendship grow? He doesn't sound flakey to me, just gradually getting to know you, not straight in and attached.

PineappleFwitters Thu 10-Nov-16 11:40:35

Thanks springy too. Overthinking has always been my downfall!

WorkAccount Thu 10-Nov-16 11:46:12

I bet people say i am hot and cold by your description.
I am really in the moment, so I am always 100% doing what I am doing NOW, which means if you are not here you really are not in my head.

And I really don't understand all the checking to ensure dates are still on, I made a date unless I say "sorry can't make it" nothing has changed so what communication is required?
It doesn't mean I don't like you.

You obv. have to decide if you are happy with this.

TheNaze73 Thu 10-Nov-16 13:44:58

I totally agree with work. To me it sounds like you're looking for problems that aren't there.

PineappleFwitters Thu 10-Nov-16 14:15:53

Work it wasn't so much checking to see if it was still on, more that I was confirming where we were meeting as I couldn't remember the name of the pub when I first arranged it!

I think it probably stems from friends, not just men, constantly cancelling on me whenever I organise things. I was always the person who goes to everyone's birthday party but when mine comes around at least 5 people would cancel on the day!

CestLaVie1975 Thu 10-Nov-16 16:28:14

Out of sight out of mind. The no contact between dates would pee me off to be honest, and when I've been in that position I always felt I was chasing them too much, never ends well, but its up to you what you feel is the right level of contact for you.

If you're just having fun then just go with it, but if you're looking for more I doubt you will get much more that what he is offering at the moment.

Shayelle Thu 10-Nov-16 17:41:11

If its not making you FEEL good then dont bother with it. Trust your gut

twattymctwatterson Fri 11-Nov-16 22:24:20

They really are OP. Currently being ghosted by a man who just a few days ago was talking about the future. Together 8 weeks so I know it hasn't been long but it's my first relationship in 4 years and I felt really good about it. Bit of a gutter sad

Mom2Monkeys Fri 11-Nov-16 22:49:28

From someone who has had loads of disastrous relationships, then finally married a lovely man.....if he is very interested in you as a potential life partner he will be excited about you and will be keen on seeing you as much as possible. He will want to ensure that he is the one that catches you, before anyone else does. He will not behave in a way that leaves you wondering whether he is keen.

The way he is behaving just shows that he is not looking for something serious, not with you anyway :-(

I've just read your post to my husband and his response was: "Sounds like someone who is thinking 'I'm not massively into her, but I'll see how it goes. Unless he's had bad advice from his mates about playing it cool".

user1475501383 Fri 11-Nov-16 23:26:13

if he is very interested in you as a potential life partner he will be excited about you and will be keen on seeing you as much as possible. He will want to ensure that he is the one that catches you, before anyone else does. He will not behave in a way that leaves you wondering whether he is keen.

I second that. 'He's just not that into you' helped me a great deal. And what a difference when you find a partner who doesn't have any issue with emotional unavailability! If you're someone who wants a genuine committed love relationship, it's not gonna happen with this guy.

Cut him off. And if he then decides he really wants you, he will pursue you and you will see a change in attitude! But don't count on that.

PineappleFwitters Fri 11-Nov-16 23:35:57

So I saw him this evening. It was nice, we went out for drinks and dinner, kissed a fair bit, but my overall impression was that he's not too fussed either way. In fact he even said he's not looking for a relationship right now. Which I'm not looking for either as I only split with someone a few months ago, but even for something non-serious I'd prefer the guy to be more into me.

He said we should meet again but I don't think he'll get in touch. He went 2 months without contacting me before, so fuck knows why I agreed to go out with him again really. He acts super keen and then withdraws and it's really odd.

PollyPelargonium52 Sat 12-Nov-16 06:20:17

I imagine he likes to keep his hand in relationships so to speak but he is just not ready in himself for much contact. He isn't in that place.

You can either put up with that or walk away I guess. I wouldn't necessarily take it personally if that is how he is feeling as odds on he would feel like this whoever he was dating.

Hope this helps.

EnoughAlready43 Sat 12-Nov-16 06:39:22

he's not that into you.
he's told you this by saying he doesn't want a relationship.
he'll happily take sex though, if that's what you want.

PineappleFwitters Sat 12-Nov-16 07:51:54

Past experience has taught me that when men say "right now I don't really want a relationship", what they fail to add at the end is "with you". A few guys have told me that, only to meet someone else shortly after and fall into relationships with them. Not really sure why this guy chased me in the first place if that's how he felt but he's clearly not that bothered.

Objectively we had a nice evening, chatted, kissed a lot, and he said we should meet up again, so why have I woken up feeling a bit shit this morning?

Cary2012 Sat 12-Nov-16 08:34:10

You've probably woken up feeling a bit shit because you're taking the blame for him not wanting a relationship.

Wrongly, you think there's something lacking in you, which is why he doesn't want things to progress. Forget that, change your mindset. He isn't in the right place, it's him, not you.

You mentioning feeling let down in the past, the comment about the parties, suggests that you have felt let down a lot and are also insecure and perhaps need affirmation from others that you're ok.

But you are ok, more than ok. The right guy will be lucky to have you. He isn't the right guy. Stop over thinking this, accept that he might be a fun date now and then, and don't blame yourself for him wanting to be single.

daisychain01 Sat 12-Nov-16 09:18:41

I'd move on from him pineapple, he has made it clear he isn't the least bit invested in any kind of future with you. That's a sure-fire way of eroding your self confidence. That's why you feel rubbish today, when you should feel good about it.

Let's face it if you want to go for a night out, you may as well go out with a friend, at least you can have a few laughs and go home feeling happy at the end of the evening!

PineappleFwitters Sat 12-Nov-16 13:26:16

You all make good points. Initially he was the one doing the chasing but now I feel like I'm the one who always initiates things and I don't know if he genuinely fancies me or if he just goes along with it for the hell of it or is being polite. Think I'll just leave it as its doing my head in!

user1475501383 Sat 12-Nov-16 14:10:39

yes it doesn't seem to be too uncommon that initially they do the chasing and then leave you to it... I don't get it. Thankfully not all men are like this.

PineappleFwitters Sat 12-Nov-16 15:50:04

I don't understand why some men are like that. He wouldn't even give me his phone number ffs, made up some excuse about not knowing it (not uncommon as I've known a few people like that), took my number and then said he had no reception so couldn't give me a missed call. I had phone reception though, so thought that a bit odd.

So annoying as it all started out promisingly, with him doing the chasing, but then the moment he realised I was interested then he started to back off. I'm feeling rather maudlin about it all today, but no doubt I'll feel better soon enough. Onwards and upwards etc

yogayear Sat 12-Nov-16 16:36:27

Are you sure he's single?

You are likely to be feeling rejected but the positive is you have discovered early on that it wasn't going to work.
You will have learnt something from this experience, perhaps you need to reflect on past situations like the birthday parties.I actually think it's really common to have the experience you had with people cancelling, it's not about you though and it's important to know that.
I find affirmations really helpful and they can help to change your mood.

Myusernameismyusername Sat 12-Nov-16 16:56:49

The only thing I can think of outside of him being married etc is that he just wanted to know he could get your number if he tried to.
Ultimate game isn't it

PineappleFwitters Sat 12-Nov-16 17:15:01

He's definitely single so I'm not sure what the phone thing was about. He doesn't come across as the manipulative sort, and I want to believe he's s nice guy so sometimes wonder if it's my own issues and baggage clouding the situation.

It was an enjoyable evening, he said we should do it again and messaged me this morning to say he had a nice time last night but I can't shake this negativity.

Thank you all for listening though, I do appreciate it.

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