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I caught DH out tonight

(250 Posts)
CarrieMayBe Thu 10-Nov-16 04:09:38

There's such a long back story to our marriage - been together just over 20yrs, married for 13.5yrs. 4 DCs.

Things been rocky for a number of years and we did actually split for 7 months just over 3yrs ago. During that time separated I got myself lots of help for the PND that I'd been suffering from for years and became a new person. DH evaluated himself too and said he could see his faults and promised to work on them if there was a chance of us getting back together. Also, our youngest daughter who was 5 at the time really struggled to cope with our split. She was hysterical whenever DH dropped her back home after his weekend of having the DCs, to the point he literally had to drag her out of his house and into mine. I tried to get her counselling but neither the school or the GP could arrange it, lack of services in our area apparently.

Anyway, the guilt over how it was affecting DD coupled with the fact that our time apart had made us realise that we did indeed have something good worth trying again for meant we gave our marriage another shot.

DH moved back in, things were really good for a few months but then they began to slip. DH started drinking heavily again (always a big issue between us) blaming the stress of work as usual. We totally by accident ended up seeing a house to buy that we fell head over heels in love with. We weren't looking to move even but decided it would be a fresh start and a forever home for us. The purchase was far from plain sailing due to various legal issues and to cut a long story short we only moved in in May this year, 14 months after actually buying it. The legal issues still haven't been resolved and we are under huge financial strain because of it. DH is self employed and I'm a SAHM so the pressure to keep up with the horrendous costs is all on him. I totally understand this and have been fully supportive.

Due to the stress of the past 2yrs things have become bad between us again. We don't have sex, we barely talk and although we have periods of things being good between us most of the time we just co-exist in the same house. It can be horrible and so lonely. DH doesn't do emotions or affection in any shape or form, he can with the kids but not me. He accepts this as a fault of his and claims that's just who he is. It leads to resentment on my part and I find it hard to be physically attracted to someone who makes no effort with me at other times.

For the past few weeks I've noticed he's been careful with his phone. Little things like if it's on charge in the kitchen for example, a room that I'm usually in, he will put it on flight mode so new messages can't come in. I can hear it buzzing at other times to show he has a message and he hates texting, really uses it as a last resort kind of communication. I've suspected he's talking to another woman. Tonight he fell asleep whilst putting youngest DC to bed and I went to wake him up. I saw his phone on the side and picked it up to give to him and as I moved it the screen lit up and there was a message - I couldn't see what it said but there were lots of ..... in the paragraph and emoticons. Believe me, none of his mates would send a message with content like that, not their style at all.

So I pulled him up on it, told him I knew it was from a woman and, to cut a very long night indeed short, I have finally had most of the truth out of him. Yes he's been in contact with a woman he met through work. It's been going on 6 months. They've had sex at least once that I know of (he's still not telling me everything I'm sure, he says he doesn't want to keep hurting me but the not knowing is making it harder) which he admitted happened when he'd spent a night at a hotel with her.

I'm devastated. He keeps telling me our marriage was all but over, I've withheld sex from him so what did I expect, he was weak and couldn't help it...all the standard stuff. I've been out for a drive on my own where I spent an hour driving down dark country lanes screaming at the top of my lungs that I hate him and he's a cunt. I've cried til I have no tears left. I haven't slept at all. I just don't know what to do now. We both promised all our DC that we'd never put them through a split again, and now we will. I know we're over, but I don't want us to be. I know our marriage was in serious trouble, I suggested going to relate during the summer but he brushed it off...of course he was shagging her at that point. He says he doesn't want to be with her, she's married too (pair of charmers aren't they?). I was hoping that after getting the shit with the house sorted next year we could concentrate our efforts on getting us back on track, I've already booked a break away for just the two of us next summer. Not enough I know but the intention is there, just mixed up in all the stress I suppose. I know I'm not blameless in this and have accepted that when talking with him tonight although I still don't think it excuses what he's done. I know DD will never cope with this break up. Added to that we still are living in a house we legally aren't allowed to live in.

Sorry this is so long and probably incoherent. I don't want to drip feed though if I can help it.

What a fucking mess. Please hold my hand.

pollyglot Thu 10-Nov-16 04:20:22

Carrie, I didn't want to just pass through without a response. It's terrible beyond belief to be in your place in the darkest hours. Just to let you know I'm thinking of you and will get back when I've had a chance to think about your situation a little. xxx Keep strong.

CarrieMayBe Thu 10-Nov-16 04:26:37

Thank you, you've made me cry again with your kind words.

I even hugged DH earlier as I was so desperate for some kindness. I soon gave my head a shake when I realised the irony of the situation.

TheWildOnes Thu 10-Nov-16 04:30:16

When it comes to your H cheating on you, you certainly are blameless. If a marriage is shit you work on it or get out, not cheat on your partner. You do not deserve this and you are not to blame.
Are you more upset at the way this will affect DCs or because you actually want to be with him. I know you said your DC struggled last time but I think going through it again will just take time for them to adjust although I understand how heartbreaking it is to see the DC struggle and not be able to fix it automatically.
Thinking of you op, and good luck with whatever you decide.
Also, your husband's a dick!

CarrieMayBe Thu 10-Nov-16 04:35:12

I don't know which it is - I cannot bear the thought of traumatising the DCs again and it was so traumatic last time. It's only 6 weeks away from Christmas too sad

There's a big part of me that doesn't want him to leave either. We've been together since I was 17, I don't really know any other way of life. Even though I'm miserable much of the time I'm around him I still can't bear the thought of him living happily ever after with someone else. Even thinking of him in bed with this woman makes me physically sick.

He knows he's fucked up and lost everything. I know our marriage was almost inevitably heading that way. Neither of us put the brakes on. It just feels so sad and all too late to fix. Whatever issues we've had in the past, they've never been unfixable. We both know there's no way back from this one though and when I think of it like that I can barely breathe, I just can't take it in.

Gracey1231 Thu 10-Nov-16 04:35:40

You're not to blame for any of this darling.
Any decent man wouldn't take "withholding sex" as a green light for going with someone else, he should've sat there thought of you and his kids and made a conscious effort to work it out, you offered him an olive branch by mentioning relate and he denied it because he was quite literally having his cake and eating it, this isn't on you, this is down to him being a fickle joke of a man, I can't give you advice but I can send huge hugs and hand holding
flowers xx

CarrieMayBe Thu 10-Nov-16 04:41:48

I can't believe he's done it, I would've been one of those people who would've said he doesn't have the time/opportunity to have an affair but it just goes to show they find a way if they want it badly enough.

I can't stop thinking of all the times over the summer when we were in the garden with the children, or a day out etc, supposedly having a lovely time yet he had already shagged her and was in contact with her probably constantly.

Oddly enough we went through a spell of a few weeks during that time when our sex life was revived, I ended up with severe thrush which I've never really had before. I joked at the time that he'd been messing around and given it to me which he hotly denied...how fucking spot on was I??

He's blown everything apart and I don't know what to do now.

pollyglot Thu 10-Nov-16 04:42:51

Was he always unable to express affection to you? I mean, were you aware that he is not a particularly tactile person, or is this a result of the incredible stress you have both been under? When you think about what you have been through - with PND, kids at a demanding age, cocked-up legal situation, excessive drinking, husband's demanding job, infidelity, leading parallel lives...it's no wonder things are majorly out of kilter. I know it's a difficult thing to contemplate, but don't leave your marriage on the basis of the affair - the affair is his reaction to stress, and not a real emotional entanglement. Can you take some time out together sooner, and really try to recall what it was about each other than caused you to marry in the first place? Even one night in a hotel, with a nice meal and some space just to be a couple rather than the completely overloaded individuals you have become? The legal problems are enough to drive anyone around the bend. Still thinking...will be back shortly! Meanwhile, be strong xxx

Gracey1231 Thu 10-Nov-16 04:43:40

the only thing I can say is he's dirt, and to just let all your emotion out so you can answer the big questions whilst thinking as rational as you can. All I know is he doesn't deserve you, not for all the tea in China

TheWildOnes Thu 10-Nov-16 04:47:25

I understand it's such a massive change after all those years, but you are worth more.
You have just found out so there will be an element of shock. You obviously haven't slept. You don't need to make any decisions right now. You have time to go through all the emotions and make a decision.
Is he wanting to stay together?

pontificationcentral Thu 10-Nov-16 04:48:44

an affair is a reaction to stress? It doesn't mean anything? When it's been going on for 6 months and he is still texting the OW?
Do you have any idea how stupid and enabling you sound, polly? Poor baba dh. He couldn't help sticking his dicking in someone else, he was stressed.
Really?
Seriously?
Fgs.

CarrieMayBe Thu 10-Nov-16 04:48:45

I think I could bury it enough to stay together for the sake of the children, I feel I owe it to them to wait until they are at least a few years older. However, we both know I will chuck it back at him at every opportunity, it will eat away at me and that won't be a happy environment for the children either.

We were so young when we got together, first proper relationship for both of us and we were carefree I suppose so I didn't really notice his lack of emotional intelligence I guess. It was only as life got tougher (I lost my mum a couple of years later, we had children, he started up his business etc etc) and I began to realise that he distanced himself from affection unless it led to sex. He's never given me so much as a hug when I have my period for example as to him what would be the point? I guess like a lot of women with young DC, sex became just another in a long list of jobs for me to do as he has never helped out round the house at all.

CarrieMayBe Thu 10-Nov-16 04:51:10

I have to pull myself together, I'm in the kitchen and DS1 will be up in 20mins to go to work. I just can't stop the tears rolling down my face, even though I thought they'd run out hours ago hmm

DooWhop Thu 10-Nov-16 04:53:57

Do you feel couples therapy might help?

TheWildOnes Thu 10-Nov-16 04:56:20

Completely agree with everything pontificationcentral said. This isn't a one night stand because this poor man was sex deprived by his mean wife so had to get it somewhere (poor diddums) It's been going on for 6 months so it must be emotional as well as sexual! 6 months where he could have been trying to improve his relationship with his wife but instead he's sending sneaky texts to his bit on the side.

CarrieMayBe Thu 10-Nov-16 05:05:30

I've said all this to him, I've clearly read far too many relationships threads on here as I know he'll have been telling her all about his hard-done-by home life, what a miserable cow I am, I'm sure he's snapped at me about something then gone and text her something dirty to get excited over. That hurts. A lot. And I don't think I can get over it.

I don't even know what he wants, I don't think he wants to be with me but doesn't want to leave the kids either.

He said the night they spent together in a hotel was early summer...I'm sure he went out one night in June and stayed overnight so it could've been then...is it likely that they haven't had sex since yet still kept in contact? I seriously doubt it but he said it was a combination of reasons; him knowing it was wrong and therefore feeling guilty and (the most likely I suspect) difficulty in getting away. Either way, even if it was just the once it wasn't a ONS was it because they've got the emotional relationship too.

Bastard.

TheWildOnes Thu 10-Nov-16 05:12:32

i think id be just as angry if they havent had sex. he has put 6 months of his time into being there for another woman (possibly for no sex in return) but cant do the same for his actual wife (unless she has sex with him).
i know you want to do whats best for the kids but you matter OP, you deserve to be happy, whether that is with him or not.

CarrieMayBe Thu 10-Nov-16 05:21:55

That's a bloody good point about no sex with her but can still be there emotionally. I shall store that up for use later today when he wants to come home from work so we can talk whilst the kids are at school. Thank you.

There's a big part of me that knows I could find someone who could meet my needs better than he ever could. But they wouldn't be him. Sounds crazy I know but there are parts of him that I love, I don't think they outweigh the bad parts though unfortunately sad

I've asked repeatedly to see the messages sent between them but he refused every time and then eventually said he'd deleted them. Bastard. I'd just be torturing myself more I guess but I need to know the context of their conversations. Dirty/deep and meaningful/what?? Does that make sense?

MNRandom Thu 10-Nov-16 05:23:11

I've nothing to add but just wanted you to know that I empathise greatly and I'm hand holding flowers cake brew

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 10-Nov-16 05:27:38

Really sorry to read this, carrie, what a horrible situation.

However - I don't' think you can be expected to hold to your promise to "not split up" over this, because THIS time it wasn't just a falling out, THIS time your DH has betrayed you and his children to satisfy his own wants.

If you know that you won't be able to get past the resentment, and will keep throwing his "mistake" back in his face time and again, then you have to split up. The DC won't want to live in an atmosphere of recrimination and bitterness either, it would be most unpleasant, for all of you.

Your DH doesn't seem to be too bothered so far, from what you've said - has he apologised, has he said that he'd rather be with her, has he said that it's over, has he said anything to lead you to believe he might truly regret his mistake and that he wants you to stay together? Because if he hasn't then your answer is this:
He wants to split but he doesn't want to be the one who decides that. He's forcing your hand, basically.

Which is REALLY fucking shitty. sad

thanks and ((((hugs)))) for you, lovely. You can and will get through this. x

mumsgirl1 Thu 10-Nov-16 05:34:16

I'm so sorry you are going through this.
You are not in the wrong. He is.
BUT you don't need to do anything NOW.
Just take the time (as long as you need) to get up and slowly recover. Put on a brave face for your children. You don't need to be brave in front of him. You say you can stay together for the children, this is how to do it. Part of the problem is that you are financially stuck to him. If you could afford it you would have thrown him out. So you are staying together for the children, to keep a roof over your heads. That is brave.
Dont make any decisions quickly. Take your time to recover. Nurture yourself and your children.
Get up. Stand up. You are a mother.

ManaFleet Thu 10-Nov-16 05:48:36

I really don't have any wisdom at the moment but I'm here, holding your hand. I will probably doze off for a bit if I get the baby back to sleep, but I'll still be here and won't let go flowersflowers

TheWildOnes Thu 10-Nov-16 05:49:05

He had a chance to try and sort this by showing you the messages but he refused and deleted them, you are always going to wonder exactly what happened, you will never know the truth, take some time, you have poyenyially life changing decisions to make, and they are never best made at this time of the morning on no sleep.
You have been with this man for more than half of your life. this decision will only get harder another 10/20 years down the line.
good luck with it all.

Goodythreeshoes Thu 10-Nov-16 05:49:27

Don't be me Carrie. Similar circumstances 8 years ago (except legally bound together with failing business, not property issues). Together for 25 years, first serious relationship for both of us. No affection unless sex was on the cards. When my DMum passed away it was my DC that hugged me and got me through it, DH busy with his bit on the side.
We stayed together. Biggest mistake of my life. Thought I was doing it for the kids but the toxic atmosphere they had to live in before they left home did more damage than a clean break would have done.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, it brings back so many feelings I can remember. We still live in the same house but share nothing together and it's very lonely. Fortunately for me, my relationship with our DC is great while they have no respect or love for their dad.
I wish you all the luck in the world.

CarrieMayBe Thu 10-Nov-16 05:50:53

Thank you all. I need to get in the shower and get ready to take DCs to school. My friend will know something is up the minute she sees me but I'm not sure I want anyone to know yet.

I held it together whilst DC1 was around, he's gone to work now. I can't stop the tears, my heart feels like it's breaking. Our relationship was many things but I never, ever thought he'd do this to me.

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