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My best friend is friends with someone I don't like

(24 Posts)
tellmefriends Wed 09-Nov-16 20:06:27

My best friend is friends with someone I don't like, can't stand. My fren knows and acknowledged my feelings and also said I'm more important than them. But still going out with the other person. Am I being a silly to feel kind of jealous and uncomfortable with this friendship...

mnpeasantry Wed 09-Nov-16 20:08:40

I'm afraid you are being silly. Normal to feel jealous but your friend can keep good relations with who she likes. Don't make her choose. It could backfire.

Drbint Wed 09-Nov-16 20:09:28

Yes, very.

Whynotnowbaby Wed 09-Nov-16 20:11:26

I'm afraid you re being silly. Your post makes you sound very young. Your friend can have as many friends as she likes without your approval and you will find you end up making her fed up with you if you act like you're at primary school. Arrange to meet with her when other friend isn't around and enjoy the time with her.

tellmefriends Wed 09-Nov-16 20:11:48

I know, but how do I manage these feelings....just trust my friend!!

ElizabethHoney Wed 09-Nov-16 20:13:09

YANBU to feel uncomfortable or jealous.

But it would be very unreasonable to expect your friend to end their other friendship.

I know it sucks. Most of my close circle of friends have stayed close to the male friend who harassed me and threatened me with horrible violence. It makes me angry and jealous and I'm afraid it has affected my how much I trust them. But you can't try to control who your friends are friends with.

PoldarksBreeches Wed 09-Nov-16 20:16:58

What does trust have to do with it? Are you dating this person? Because if not, there is no need to trust them or not trust them.

tellmefriends Wed 09-Nov-16 20:21:04

Like ElizabethHoney said this other person has been mean to me and done some rude things against me, which my friend knows, so it does makes me angry and uncomfortable.... but like you all are saying I'm no one to ask my friend to choose.

lokivonpoki Wed 09-Nov-16 22:11:22

I can completely understand where you are coming from, I once had a good friend who became friends with someone else, I can only think that this someone else was jealous of the friendship that me and original friend had. She did everything she could to cause problems including telling my friend that she thought I was going after her DH- so far off the mark it was laughable! My friend said that it wasn't remotely true but still continued to be friends with her, it hurt me so much that my friend-that although she said it wasn't true she continued to be friends with her. There's a saying that friends that have your back when you aren't present are true friends that will always be there for you.
I think it just hurt that she wanted to continue a friendship with someone who could be that nasty and hurtful to her supposed best friend, our friendship didn't continue, I just couldn't get over her lack of loyalty. Which is what you are taking about I suppose, she isn't loyal enough to you to not forge a friendship with this person. Unless of course the reason you don't like her is that she pushed in front of you in queue or something.

magoria Wed 09-Nov-16 22:26:30

I don't think I would remain friends with someone who was happy to be all matey and have fun with someone who had been deliberately shitty to me.

I would phase them out and find another friend.

IreallyKNOWiamright Wed 09-Nov-16 22:54:37

It's sad when this happens. I became friends with someone and then she became entangled in a friendship where they were in and out of each others houses, pockets, and so on.
I think you will have to be careful what you say to your friend now she is friends with this other person. And possibly make an effort to find some new friends

ElizabethHoney Wed 09-Nov-16 23:04:39

Poldark, of course there needs to be trust in friendships!

Quantatively and qualitatively different to the trust in a long-term relationship or marriage, sure, but still trust.

Whitechester Wed 09-Nov-16 23:19:27

It's horrible but something you just have to suck up I'm
Afraid and trust your friend.

Fwiw my best friend and her husband have remained friends with my ex husband who cheated on me and the OW. I just deal with it as best I can

DixieWishbone Wed 09-Nov-16 23:31:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BerylStreep Wed 09-Nov-16 23:32:50

I have a friend who has remained on friendly terms with someone who was horrendously shitty to me.

I recognise that my experience is not her experience, and I have to respect her choices.

Having said that, I did have an honest conversation with my friend about my experience with the other person, and whilst I wouldn't want to influence her, nor do I want to be thrust together in social situations. My friend recognises and respects that.

Beyond that initial conversation, we don't really discuss it at all.

Offred Wed 09-Nov-16 23:45:55

If someone was unreasonably shitty to my best friend I wouldn't like them very much just for that reason.

Mind you I don't tend to like people who are unreasonably shitty to anyone at all.

I think therefore that maybe your best friend is perhaps not as close to you as you are to her.

Guess it depends what the other person actually did/said to you.

If it was unreasonably shitty then I think YANBU to think your best friend is either not a very good friend or not a very nice person or both.

kissmethere Thu 10-Nov-16 08:54:32

You have to accept that your friends has friends that you won't like. It's shit that she's treated you badly but she's your friends friend so you don't have to make any effort with her.
Don't stand there and take it though if she's rude to you. Do make the time with your friend with the other one.
I have friends who's friends I dislike but I couldn't give a toss. They're in their wider circle not mine.

kissmethere Thu 10-Nov-16 08:55:47

Sorry make time for your friend WITHOUT the other one...

dudsville Thu 10-Nov-16 08:58:12

I'm friends with people who are friends with people I don't like. I've never noticed it before. Maybe have a think about what about it bothers you and think it through from there?

DixieWishbone Thu 10-Nov-16 11:41:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected Thu 10-Nov-16 12:06:18

Tellmefriends, your friend doesn't have much loyalty to you.
Honestly if it upsets you this much (and I believe you have every right to be upset), distance yourself or totally end the relationship with her.

Not the same, but I have been in a similar situation, where a friend starting nit-picking/slagging off two of our other friends when they weren't present.
I didn't like this shallow/nasty behaviour and saw quite a nasty side to her character, and In the end the friendship ended with her, and myself and the other two. Myself and the other two are all still friends to this day, without her in the picture.

Life is too short and there are a lot of good potential friends out there - just watch the baddens!

Good luck x

Onenerfwarfrombreakdown Fri 11-Nov-16 14:39:24

poldark of course there is trust in friendships confused if they are of any depth at all beyond casual social niceties.

I utterly trust my best friend, she's had my back since we were teenagers, she knows stuff about the wild young me that no one else does ( including DH) and vice versa. We are each other's support through good times and bad. If I thought there was the chance she was telling stuff to someone I didn't like or who had been horrible to me, then she wouldn't be my best friend! But she wouldn't.
she'd be the first one there with the shotgun and shovel to deal with anyone who hurt me
Kidding.
kind of
smile

OP no, you can't dictate who she is friends with, but if she's happy to carry on being friendly with someone who's been nasty to you, I would be careful. Shows a certain lack of concern for you and your feelings.

dudsville Fri 11-Nov-16 17:17:03

You're quite right Dixie, I missed that and I would feel the same. Apologies OP. I've used MN this week as a distraction but I was clearly too distracted to read thoroughly!

Groovee Fri 11-Nov-16 20:25:22

I have someone who has asked me twice to stop being friends with someone she had fallen out with. Both times I told her that I wasn't taking sides and there was no was I was choosing. Ironically, she's friends with someone who bullied me horrendously and has tried to lie to me that they aren't friends when it is so obvious they are. I would never have bothered about them being friends, but her lying to me is why I have issues with it all.

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