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DH secretly drinking(31 Posts)
Hi, first post!
Sorry if this ends up long. Don't want to drip feed.
DH has long had issues around drink. Things that have happened over the years include generally getting very odd, a bit nasty, and not remembering anything after a certain point. Once, he got up out if bed, urinated all over the floor went back to sleep. Also before we got married he smashed up a hotel room and was cautioned by police. This us when we agreed he would stop drinking. I did too. Everything fine till last Christmas when he decides to gave a few festive drinks. All ok till Boxing day when he turns nasty, starts accusing me of weird stuff. In the morning I told him what had happened, he obviously still couldn't handle drinking so no more. Then a few months later he went out for a work thing, supposed to be back after an hour or add so, went completely no contact after sending an odd message. Eventually brought back by a policeman about five or six hours later, having been found at the side of a road after trying to walk the six miles home. I went ape shit this time. He was very weird, accusing me if things, nasty. I videoed him and made him sleep in the garage. Was worried about what he could do in that state without even realising, especially with DD (then 2) in the house. Showed him video in the morning. Told him to go to AA. Agreed he wouldn't drink again.
So, last few weeks he has been a bit odd, a bit grumpy in mornings. I thought he was a bit drunk at least once, but wasn't sure. Then last night I was out at a parents evening. After I came back, a bit later after we had eaten, I knew he had been drinking as he was slurring a bit and stuff. We went to bed. Thought I may be wrong and I would figure thanks out in the morning as I was so tired. He woke me up stumbling into the en suite at 12.45, light on, door open. I tried to go back to sleep, but then loud banging woke me up. He was either punching or hitting his head on the wash basin. I was still unsure what was going on, thought something had maybe come loose? (half asleep!) Then more banging and he is repeatedly hitting his head on the heated towel rail. I had to shout at him to stop. Told him to go sleep downstairs. He was fumbling around on the landing and turns out he was grappling with a clothes airer that I left out there, and had chucked it into the spare room. He was standing there completely out of it. Had to direct him downstairs.
This morning I asked him what the hell happened. After a while of silence, he admitted he had been drinking rum (hidden in the garage) and had been doing so for a few weeks. He blamed stress at work. He is a teacher too at a new school and said behaviour of children is really bad and he can't cope. He has been to the doctor today, got signed off and gone to Addaction. I have asked him to go stay at his mum's for a bit. I just don't know what to do though. We gave DD who is 3, and I am 5.5 months pregnant with DS. Amy advice? I'm not sure how I can ever trust him again.
That sounds awful and horrible. It's a complete betrayal.
Well done for ensuring that you and your children are safe for now.
If you want a relationship with him the best you can hope for is that he's honest with you and stays teetotal for life. At the moment the chance of that might seem slim.
Have you even contacted Al-anon, for families of alcoholics?
Did he ever go to AA regularly and have a sponsor?
Thanks for replying and getting through all that! No, I hadn't heard of them. I will look them up. He only went to AA twice. He wasn't keen. Thought he would be ok on his own. Clearly not.
My father was an alcoholic and I hated him. He doesn't drink at all now. I don't want that for my children.
I'm sorry, this is so difficult, but bringing kids up round an alcoholic is not ok in my view. And we all have stressful jobs but don't secretly drink rum in the garage to cope. Hiding his booze too. And drinking it to the stage he is out of it, fully knowing he has a three year old in the house and you are pregnant. It's not even how much he spends on it, simply that he is checking out and choosing to get drunk rather than to co parent with uou, and that's with one kid, what happens when uou have two? And what happens if he's alone with the kids and wants to drink. How scared of vulnerable would they be, if they had to encounter this. Or can he never be. Relied on to be left alone with them?
I seldom recommend it, but personally I'd think long and hard about walking away now. Before it becomes too hard or any emotional damage is done to the children,
And yes he may get sober and stay that way, but he might not,,,,his beahvuur sounds like someone deep in the grips of alcoholism.
The immediate future (i.e. next few days) will tell you a lot about him. Right now, if he has any sense he'll have vowed to never drink again and be attending AA meetings every day. It's his choice, ultimately.
Is he apologetic? (that sounds really crap as he owes you much more than an apology, but ykwim)
Likewise it's your choice whether or not you can trust him again, even if the above happens.
Anything less than this and I'd be seeking legal advice for divorce. I grew up with an alcoholic father too and I dearly wish my mother hadn't put up with it.
Yes, he is apologetic. Has suggested me controlling all his money and getting a breathalyser to test him with so he can prove himself. This is such a massive betrayal though. All the other times I knew about the drinking, but this secretive hiding is a whole other level. I don't understand how he can do that to his daughter.
I second baconandeggies reply, what is his response? Will he take responsibility for his actions or just keep blaming the situation?
How will he cope with the stress of a newborn in a few months? This is HIS problem, he has to deal with it, not yours to fix.
If he won't take responsibility, or you think it could happen again, for your own sanity and the safety of your DC I'd say leave him.
(I've just left my husband for very similar reasons, but he refuses to admit he has a problem, my thread is 'left DH this week....')
Cross posted there! Wow. Well done. That must 5are a lot of courage!
"Yes, he is apologetic. Has suggested me controlling all his money and getting a breathalyser to test him with so he can prove himself"
That's making it your responsibility though - you are not his mother.
The fact that he becomes altered when drunk and is prone to outbursts of violence (like the punching/head butting of the sink) is really worrying. Especially as he seems to have little awareness of what he's doing and can't remember it the next day. What if he physically attacked you or your DD?
He can never drink again. Whether you can trust him and give him yet another chance is another question.
I agree with NotAnother - he needs to take responsibility for himself. You're not his keeper and that's no way to live.
There's honestly no other way he can prove himself than seeking outside help. It's a red flag that he only attended two AA meetings. They're proper good for those who genuinely want to face up to things.
At the moment all he seems to be doing is saying "it won't happen again" and you've been there before..
Yes, this is my main concern. He always says he would never hurt a person, and he never has, but when he is like that, how would he even know?
He swears he won't drink again, of course. But he has hid this for weeks. How will I know?
>>That's making it your responsibility though - you are not his mother.<<
This,,and that's very worrying. In addition ,,:
>>Well done. That must 5are a lot of courage!<<
As someone who grew up with an alcoholic father, who knows how bad that feels, who has a young child, who is pregnant, would uou not say it takes a hell of a lot more courage to stay? Especially when you know you don't want to put your own kids through what you went through. Someone who would not chose that for their own kids?
You can't be responsible for his addiction.
He has to be. He has to learn what triggers him, he has to put in mechanisms to protect himself and his family
He can't do this if you're propping him up.
He needs to stay somewhere else and get himself enrolled in a program and stick to it.
He has 3m to get himself sorted out before your baby arrives.
You can go it alone if he can't make the grade. He needs to know this
He needs to get on board, or get the fuck out of the way.
Yes, you're all totally right. I have been looking into benefits and things. Main issue is the fucking massive mortgage on our house. Would need to get it sold if we end things, and who knows how long that could take. Honestly never thought I would have to be thinking about this stuff.
Don't worry about that for now
It's a long way off. Even if it has to happen, you'll deal with it, it'll be ok
If he gets the help he needs, if you telling him he has to live elsewhere until he does makes him realise, there is still time and hope.
But the change has to come from him.
I just don't see him doing anything about it, he can't remember so he thinks it's ok, yeah maybe for him but not for anyone else who comes in contact with him!
You need to tell him to stay well away, it's ridiculous that you are policing an adult, and forget the breathalyser, fuck that, are you also his mother and saviour, no, we are responsible for our OWN actions, and he is a danger to anyone, his apathy is astounding also.
You can list as many stresses as you want, it makes no difference, he is CHOOSING to drink, we all have stress, more than him I'd bet.
I also think you can't have your children around this man, it's not their fault and they should not even have to see him drunk, not even drunk, he's paralytic.
He definitely doesn't think it's OK. He's pretty mortified about it. He has been referred for Addaction over in his mum's town now and waiting for a call back about counselling too.
I am not getting involved. We shall see if he actually sticks at it.
I agree the work stress is no excuse. I don't think that's even the issue. He's just an alcoholic and he needs to actually deal with it.
But he's got himself in dangerous situations over and over again and done nothing to change any of it.
I hope so too OP, and glad you are taking a back seat, let him prove to you that he is at least addressing it.
The 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did not cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it
Like many posts of this type its mainly about the alcoholic. You need to focus on you now along with your child. You have to help you.
You have been as caught up in his alcoholism as he is, you have also known about his drinking for a long time. Did you think deep down that marriage and or children would change him?. You went onto marry him and have children by him. You need to look at your own part in this too because you have and are playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses; enabler and provoker (you never forget). Life with an alcoholic is pretty much lurching from one crisis to another. Its never stable.
It is also a family disease, one that does not just affect the alcoholic. Your child and you are affected as well by his alcoholism. You also need to recover from his alcoholism and you really do need to get off the merry go around now. Co-dependency often features in these types of dysfunctional relationships and I would read up on co-dependency as well as attend Al-anon meetings.
You need to realise as well that he could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.
Your children simply cannot afford to grow up thinking that this is at all normal. An alcoholic parent does inflict a lot of emotional damage on all family members, damage that can take years to undo.
I doubt very much that any counselling service can help him unless he is himself fully committed to the process. He needs to do this on his own - and without you being around. He needs to stay away from you. You cannot help him, besides which he does not want your help or support anyway. You are too close to the situation and too over invested to be of any real use to him.
Seek legal advice re your own situation going forward and with particular reference to the house. I would actually try and sell it going forward.
I could have written your post. So many scarily similar things. I spent almost 15 years living like this and it drained me. It escalated to mental and physical abuse. I divorced him after he lost the plot and tried to kill me. I hid it from family and friends for years. Even now many took his side and blamed me for his alcohol abuse.
Getting away was the best thing I ever did. I have a new life, 250 miles away with an amazing loving partner who doesn't prioritise alcohol above me, and I feel safe. He had as a lifetime restraining order and is still the same arsehole.
I would also urge you to read this, hard as it may be to read too:-
After the hotel incident, he didn't drink at all for about three years, so I guess I thought it would be ok, hence the marrying and having children. I'm only now realising how bad his alcoholism is. I'm now alone for the first time in so long and I am terrified.
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