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Support thread for those of us having to 'co-parent' with a narc or very difficult exh thread 3

(994 Posts)
Lilacpink40 Wed 09-Nov-16 18:57:02

Thred 3! grin

Lilacpink40 Wed 09-Nov-16 19:04:06

I hope everyone find the new link. We were probably on last page. Lots to talk about!

Ohb are there reasons that you want to go ahead and try now, or were you thinking over the next year you'd start trying?
If the latter than a 6 month delay may mean less stress for you in pregnancy, WN may have got bored and drifted off but if this timing works for you then I don't think you should be put off.

Natsku Wed 09-Nov-16 19:17:24

Checking in before I go to bed

Ohb0llocks Wed 09-Nov-16 19:20:40

We've been discussing it for quite some time but if anything this has made me want to even more.

SmellySphinx Wed 09-Nov-16 19:21:56

Check-in

Thread bloody 3 already. Don't know why I'm surprised really... but I am!

Constantly losing these threads

greencarbluecar Wed 09-Nov-16 19:28:05

Can't believe we're on thread 3 already, thanks for the new one lilac

Where are we up to? purple, you ok?

oh it's awful isn't it, that feeling that you can't move on because of them. I've been there, still there, am biting the bullet and doing it anyway through the fear. It's bloody hard to make decisions, and trust them, with this hanging over you. But you do know how to do what's best for your DS, you've been doing it all this time.

dusters WELL DONE!! star has he called has he called has he called? <bounces up and down like extremely annoying toddler>

FoofFighter Wed 09-Nov-16 19:34:26

place-marking

flowers wine cake

Ohb0llocks Wed 09-Nov-16 19:59:32

Thanks guys flowers

Well... has he called!?

Froginapan Wed 09-Nov-16 20:02:50

Good grief - thread 3 already...

I need to go back and catch up on thread 2.

Busy, busy day running around to various classes and social events for the children

nicenewdusters Wed 09-Nov-16 20:07:36

No.... no call as yet. Dropped it in about 4.30. Am now of course going through all likely scenarios. Eg envelope has lodged itself somewhere undetectable in the porch, or he didn't even notice it when he came in. Then of course I'm veering towards the lunatic scenarios, such as he thinks I'm a stalker and has fled the country, or he's thinking "who the hell's Dusters and how does she know where I live?" grin

Have to go and collect my ds from Twat Towers soon. If he's not phoned by the time I'm back then I don't think he will today. Have to see what tomorrow brings.

Froginapan Wed 09-Nov-16 20:12:56

PURPLE - saw your post in the last thread.

Stay cucumber-cool - remember he wants you to react so don't feed the troll

flowers

Lilacpink40 Wed 09-Nov-16 20:35:00

Purple sending 'keep-strong' vibes.

Dusters another alternative, he's thinking "wow Dusters is really nice and attractive I feel lucky to talk with her, bettrr think what to say so I sound confident!"wink

nicenewdusters Wed 09-Nov-16 20:54:09

I like your alternative scenario Lilac blush

greencarbluecar Wed 09-Nov-16 21:12:58

Maybe he's been sat there, phone in hand, building up the courage to call you so he can sound all cool and suave to impress you?!

Fidelia Wed 09-Nov-16 21:18:48

Just checking in.

2012PP Wed 09-Nov-16 21:25:20

I can't believe how quickly this thread moves, but it is invaluable to have somewhere where people truly "get-it" and understand, thanks for the new one.

What did I miss- DUSTERS? What are you waiting for- from whom?
I hope its something nice

Teepish Wed 09-Nov-16 21:32:05

Hello again everyone. Hope youre all doing okay and staying strong.
I picked up dd from H tonight and shw didnt want to leave him, kept cuddling him. I ended up being very defensive and arsy when he was only talking to me about hairslides, so now im the one who looks unreasonable sad I hate having to speak to him.
I feel like im losing dd to him...which is probably how he feels really and is part od why he is so difficult and childish. Now I feel like im starting to go down that road sad
It is so hard to let go and distract yourself.

Lilacpink40 Wed 09-Nov-16 21:44:16

Teepish your DD was clinging to her dad as he could have spoilt her rotten all day and he may not have prepared her to leave so it seemed sudden. You then arrive and it looks like your stopping the fun. I expect he didn't help as he enjoyed looking like the favourite parent. I would try not to enter into these battles. Smile even with gritted teeth and repeat very simple messages, "it's getting late and I need to get you home for that bubble bath you were looking forward to / your snack and drink / book before bed".

FoofFighter Wed 09-Nov-16 21:56:33

How old is she Teep?

If you guys have a moment to think about domestic abuse law changes can I direct you to this thread please? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2776595-to-ask-you-to-tweet-your-MP-to-ask-them-to-changeherstory-domestic-abuse?

Teepish Wed 09-Nov-16 22:12:08

She is 5. I get all the crying and whinging when she comes home because daddys house is new and they have fun togethersad I must be just completely dull but what more does a 5 yr old want when she as a lovely warm home and lovely toys and her mum, I just dont feel good enough nd truthfully, never really have. She has always been an emotional child who will cry and scream at the drop of a hat - ive never felt ive been enough for her. She is coming down with a cold now and squeals for me if I dont stay in bed with her, im so fed up, life feels joyless right now.
On the way home I felt that bad I ended up asking her if daddy had said anything bad about me, she said there was something he'd said "well mummy doesnt do that right" about but wouldn't elaborate further. God knows what that was about but I felt terrible putting her in that position.

My instinct says to quietly get on with life, just carry on being a normal everyday mum, and only discuss what is necessary with H - not get sucked into emotional/angry discussions ever again. Does that sound like the right way to go sad

nicenewdusters Wed 09-Nov-16 22:33:32

Teepish I'd say that your last paragraph "My instinct says......" is absolutely the right way to go. It's hard, and occasionally you'll snap and react to him, or say something to dd you'll wish you hadn't, but it's unavoidable. A normal man would see his dd was in a difficult position at handover, and say something useful, like "Come on now, mum's here, see you later." But they don't, they can only think of themselves. So you just have to do what you know is right. It's difficult because she's only 5.

As she gets older, and life with Disney Dad becomes more like real life, it will get easier. I have nothing to do with my ex apart from texts and the odd message via my ds (11). My other dc is 9. I don't therefore have to have any sort of physical hand over, it's a massive relief.

Hi to everyone else on the new thread. To answer your question 2012. It's just a bit of light hearted fun. I know somebody very slightly through my work, he lives locally. With the collective MN wisdom, I decided to bite the bullet today and contact him via a note, asking about some work he might do for me. So now just awaiting a reply/phone call. I do need the work doing, but it's also a ploy to possibly get to know him better!!

Foof will have a look at that thread.

Teepish Wed 09-Nov-16 23:04:51

Thanks for the reassurance dusters. I do keep forgetting that as dd gets older our lives and circumstances will inevitably change, and that perhaps things won't stay this bad forever.... I agree it must be a massive relief not to have to see your ex on the doorstep anymore.
Also I envy that you have a potential love interest!! Would love a bit of excitement like that right now. wink

PurpleThursday Wed 09-Nov-16 23:39:40

Checking in. Thanks for positive vibes. Didn't help. I basically had 2 x Ex-WN's in court to cope with. (One trying to give parental responsibility to the other and totally fuck off from DS's life - thankfully Judges didn't go for that). But in general the useless judge trio ignored all requests from DS re access, ignored continuing the existing arrangements for DSs benefit, ignored a handful of other reasons (including SS recommendations - because the suit Social Worker didn't put in writing to me what she had verbally told me,) and also ignored WN's 5 yes FIVE different sets of access arrangements and drew up their own ideas - taking into account nothing of relevance. DS already home in tears tonight after asking me to pick him up from WN's. He is insistent that he will not do what some judge has ruled he do without any of his feelings being taken into account, will not give up his already organised time here and if they want to talk to him about it they can!! What a complete waste of emotional energy and thousands of pounds.

nicenewdusters Thu 10-Nov-16 00:10:04

Oh purple what an absolute f**king farce the whole thing is. I've had to read your post several times because it just didn't sink in. Why bother with any evidence if 3 over promoted twats are going to just make it up on the back of a fag packet.

What happens now? Your ds is 12 isn't he? Can he therefore decide where he goes and when? It's often mentioned that these men flout the courts orders, what happens if you/ds do the same? Can you appeal - although I should imagine that would be a waste of more money and time sad

PurpleThursday Thu 10-Nov-16 00:18:53

My children are sleeping in different houses is what it means sad

And my DS is excluded from another 'family' after his birth father spent years making F - all effort with him and various nasty scenarios with his very aggressive wife.

I don't know what will happen. I have emailed my solicitor but don't hold it much hope.

They pissed me off already because I had pages of text messages / emails etc from DS when he was with the wanker asking to come home, saying he didn't feel safe and the incident of him throwing DS around etc. They didn't raise that at all because they said I wanted contact overall. So the fact I was trying to be decent and fair and still keep contact going - for the sake of all DCs has resulted in this complete mess. I should have hung the bastard out to dry. Why did I try and be nice?

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