Drinking?

[crazy525]

Okay.
5 months pregnant. Unplanned but absolutely amazing. She's all I can think about.

OH mind you; he's been going out getting drunk most weekends leaving me pregnant at home.

Tonight he then told me he's going out with his mates drinking and he's not coming home.

I've felt rough all day and just worry because I'd need him if anything was to happen.

I don't know whether he's 'getting it out of his system' (he never used to go out this much) or having a little mid life crisis.

I don't say much as I can't be bothered with an argument.

Any advice?
Thank you all in advance I really appreciate it xx

[Myusernameismyusername]

If you don't say much about it how does he know it's a problem?
Either you have to tell him or you just hope for the best.
It's a massive waste of money for one thing, and I think it's irresponsible and a bit disrespectful. So I would not put up with it but not everyone would agree.
Is he actually ready for parenthood? I mean he could get it out of his system but generally speaking, relationships with poor communication have poor outcomes. So talking now sets up a good system for when you are parents and things can get even harder

[adora1]

Well say something, stop staying quiet, and if he is like this now I'd not be relying on him for jack shit, have you a good friend, a sister, mum, someone who can actually turn up sober?

he sounds incredibly selfish.

[category12]

He's going out on a bender on Wednesday night and not coming home? Doesn't he work? How is he affording this?

In what ways is he a good partner to you?

[PurplePen]

He's clearly not as thrilled about this unplanned pregnancy as you are.

Have you actually spoken about it? Do you talk much about anything?

[crazy525]

Maybe he's not ready for parenthood; but in any case he is going to need to be because baby is still coming.

Yes he works shifts, he's off tomorrow. But he still has weekends off.

We do talk about things; I just got really upset and told him I'm worried if anything was to happen. He said he's 25 minutes away and it would be the same as if he was at work.

[Trifleorbust]

Sounds like he is trying to carve out some time for himself - all very well before a child but certainly it isn't going to work later in the pregnancy or when the baby actually comes. It is also worrying that he is happy to organise being out for the whole night without checking with his partner that this is okay.

I think you need to stop ignoring the issue and tell him you need him to step up and support you.

[category12]

It's pretty unlikely anything is going to happen at 5 months, unless you have been having issues with the pregnancy. So I'm not sure that's a helpful point - and I don't think it's reasonable to expect him to stay in the whole pregnancy or anything. You might want to do a bit of unpicking about what's bothering you.

But that said, I wouldn't want to be living with someone who goes out on the piss at every opportunity and who has this kind of laddish lifestyle. The kicker is whether this will continue when you have a new-born - even if he says it wouldn't and this is his last hurrah, I wouldn't be confident about that - cos then there's endless wetting of the baby's head and all that as excuses ahead.

I think that if you're already in a situation where you're avoiding confrontation, you need to address that. It may be that he fully intends to step up when the baby is born and in the later stages of pregnancy, but it's worth thinking about his attitudes to women, family roles and the way he was brought up generally - what does his parents' relationship look like and things like that. Having a baby together really brings these things into focus.

[ObsidianWinter]

Try calmly (big ask, I know) explaining how you feel and see if you can compromise in some way. If you tell him you don't want to stop him going out all together while he still can, but you feel uncomfortable left on your own, maybe he will slow down a little.

Maybe you could suggest having a couple of close friends over for dinner one night instead. That way he can still have a couple (not lots) of drinks and socialise, you get a social life too, and he's not out all night leaving you alone.

[ObsidianWinter]

Oh! And the "wetting the baby's head" made me think maybe you could ask him to start organising the naming ceremony (or christening, if you are Christian). It's an excuse for him to throw a party, but still has him thinking about the baby. It will also find him something to look forward to if he's worried about losing all the fun in his life once the baby is born.

[Trifleorbust]

I totally understand why a 5 months pregnant woman wouldn't want her partner going out on the piss all the time, however unlikely it is that anything is going to happen at that point. Pregnancy can make you feel vulnerable and you need both emotional and practical support. If your partner is taking any excuse to go out with his mates, it could easily make you feel like he doesn't want to offer that support. From the sounds of it, that may well be the case here.

[crazy525]

I know it's not likely anything is going to happen at 5 months; I think as it has all become very real with the scans and finding out the sex of littlen I've become really overprotective of her and am petrified of losing her.

I honestly don't mind him going out; and sometimes it's nice to be on my own and watch what I want on tv and eat chocolate and things. He never used to go out that much.. but at the moment this is the following schedule:

Mon-Friday: normally working doesn't go out (to be fair tonight is a rare occasion)
Friday: his friend comes round and they usually go out either Friday or Saturday night. His mate will stay at ours and he will probably end up being around all weekend or at least until Sunday morning.

But I just want him around. He does jump at the chance to go out at the moment, and I'm hoping it fades away and I'm sure he will be a great dad.

I probably wouldn't have cared so much if I hadn't felt so shitty all day.

All I've wanted all day is a bloody hug - how sad.

[Trifleorbust]

His friend stays for two nights every weekend?

[AnyFucker]

You hope he will step up when the baby is here

No, love. All that will happen is that you will be trapped with a baby and he will still be acting like a single man

Why are you such a doormat ?

Where does he sleepwear he comes home ?

I would not believe a word he said. And as for his mate hanging around all weekend why don't you insist he leaves. Are these two overgrown teenagers going to be lolling about while you try to establish feeding and sitting on a rubber ring ?

The way things stand you will be joining millions of women before you who exercised hope over judgement and ended up nothing less than a downtrodden domestic appliance

[crazy525]

Most weekends..
It's my oh's flat, I can barely say much unfortunately x

[AnyFucker]

*where does he sleep when he doesn't come home

[AnyFucker]

It's not his flat. You are a couple expecting a baby together. He is not your landlord and he is certainly not your boss

Do you get a say in anything at all ?

[AnyFucker]

I bet you clean "his" flat don't you ?

[Trifleorbust]

If you can't 'say much' then it isn't your home and you shouldn't be there. He is taking the absolute piss, OP, and you are becoming increasingly vulnerable. What are your back up options? Could you move back home?

[crazy525]

Haha no way I don't clean his flat.

I used to though, a long time ago.

Erm, not really. Moving back home isn't really an option. My parents are very set in their ways and once you've left you've left.

Therefore my other siblings haven't left yet lol. But I left to go to university years ago and they wouldn't take it very well if I asked to move home.

[crazy525]

Sorry when he stays out it's at his mates house.

I know his mates. I'm not keen on the ones he is out with tonight but the one that comes over a lot is a good person.

[Trifleorbust]

Then you need to sit him down and address the way he is treating you. The flat is your home. You shouldn't have to tolerate a weekend guest who hangs around to slob off his hangover every weekend. Your part let shouldn't be informing you that he is staying out all night without telling you where he is. He shouldn't be out drinking heavily every weekend and leaving you on your own. These aren't the behaviours of someone who is going to be a good partner and father. They're the behaviours of a man child who seems to be in denial about his responsibilities.

[AnyFucker]

Why do you say you "know his mates" ?

Is that your talisman against him getting up to no good on these drunken teenage sleepovers ?

You sound hopelessly naive and in a very vulnerable position

[Marmalade85]

It gets much worse when there's a baby OP. You need to sit him down and have a chat about how you feel.

[crazy525]

I just meant I know his friends quite well that's all.

Oh no I take it easy at the moment because of my little girl. Trust me if he doesn't sort it I have no problems in sorting a life for just me and her. Not a problem. I have a good job and even if it would be a struggle I would and can do it. Don't get be wrong at the moment I take it easier because when I get too stressed at the moment I get physically sick.

I just want to give him a chance. So when my lg is grown up if we aren't together I can turn round and say to her 'I gave him every chance and it didn't work'. Or hopefully I never have to say that to her.

I have some close male friends and they said having a little one never felt real until they were here. So I'm going to give him the chance to step up as a dad..

I know at the moment it's not going fantastically to plan. That's why I was looking for some advice :)

[Trifleorbust]

I'm so glad you are in a position to take care of yourself and the baby. If you would like advice, here it is: get your own place. If he wants to step up and be a dad, he can make the running. At the moment you are making it clear to him that he doesn't need to change anything.