My sister is wanting to divorce her husband. They've been together for 15 years, married for 11. Three kids of 9, 7 and 2.
She has been having an affair for the last eight months and has now told her husband about it and said she wants a divorce. The kids don't know yet. She and her husband are currently taking it in turns to be at the house, and while she's not there she's with the new guy. This situation has been going on for about a month now. Her husband does not want a divorce and keeps begging her to stay and hoping she will. But I know she won't as she tells me (also told him but he appears not to pay it any mind) that she hadn't loved him for years and only stayed for the sake of the kids.
She just sent me a photo of her with the new guy and captioned it 'happy deep down inside. Tomorrow I'll be home again and will find solutions to
Everything.' She clearly wants me to express happiness on her behalf or some sort of approval, but I'm finding it so hard.
I understand and respects that she does not love her husband anymore and have suspected that for some time anyway. He can be quite difficult and from the beginning of their relationship I thought he was quite dominating and a bit controlling towards her, but is by no means a bad person. No abuse or anything like that involved, just too much arguing and general dissatisfaction.
She seemed very broken and sad by it all last time we spoke and I was very sympathetic to her. She did mention the other guy but not as the main reason for her wanting to leave. But the way she presents things now and from what I hear from my parents it sounds like he is the main reason. She wants to divorce her husband and move straight in with this guy who she is head over heels in love with.
First of all I very worried for her future. She got with her husband when she was only 17, and they had kids quite early. I always thought she would be likely to have some midlife crisis due to so much commitment and children so early, especially as she also had a vey serious and demanding career and never really let loose. Now I worry that she's thrown herself in the arms of the first available guy - met him at work - and that after some years or even sooner she'll realise that he was just a rebound and that she lost her family for a fling, or missed the opportunity to find her own feet. I wish for her that if she was to have a divorce that she's spend some time on her own and find her own feet first before settling down with someone new. But I guess this is easier said than done.
Secondly, I feel so deeply sad and sorry for her husband and children who are about to loose their mother and wife. I know it sounds dramatic as of course they'll share custody and the children won't as such loose their mother, but she is breaking up the family.
I am not saying she does not have the right to make her own decisions and the right to be happy, I just wish that it would not have to involve another guy immediately, as an immediate transition, as it just seems so mean to her husband and will be too much for her children to handle.
Thirdly, I have to admit that I, on a completely personal level, feel that it's a tall order for her to expect her family (my parents and I) to be happy for her that she's in love and has met someone else when we see the devastating effect it's having on her children - the two oldest are beginning to suspect and are getting very nervous and unsettled - and her husband, who after 15 years is also a family member to us, and someone we care deeply about, despite the fact that his relationship with us hasn't always been plain sailing, we've reached a good and very warm relationship over the years.
I simply don't know how to respond to her happy picture and message.
Am I being selfish by not being able to be happy for her? Am I being judgemental? How to handle this? Any advice much appreciated.
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Relationships
Sister is getting divorced, wants me tone happy for her that she has found love with affair
Londonmamabychance · 09/11/2016 17:20
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