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Narc (?) Aunt

(9 Posts)
ChemistryGeek Wed 09-Nov-16 11:51:39

I've not been in contact with my Aunt for 7 years, apart from literally a couple of snail mail letters from her which I ignored. I broke contact after her mother, my grandmother, died. She did some things which I thought at the time were toxic and I was happy, or at least content, to not contact her again after the funeral.

For background, she's my mother's sister. My mother died when I was 17 (I'm now 41). Obviously I don't know the truth of the family relationships, but from what I can tell looking back, amateur psychology etc my grandmother was always huge narc and my aunt the golden child. I believe this has permanently affected my aunt's character - to the extent that I don't think she is actually capable of forming any kind of relationship without it, ultimately, being manipulated to be all about her - maybe that means she's the narc? Anyway, from my point of view, we have never had a good relationship, even when we were in closer contact. There's honestly loads I could write about things she's done that have hurt me - and, for the purposes of balance, probably things I'm not that proud of myself but its all a bit swirly in my head...

Anyway, fast forward to yesterday and I get an email to my work account (she must have googled me) with a couple of sentences saying I'm obviously doing really well, my mother would be proud and then a paragraph about her - she's been having cancer treatment, she's been raped, and (most chillingly tbh) she's training as a counsellor!

There doesn't seem to be any awareness that we might not have been in contact for a reason; certainly no real apology for her behaviour. Tbf that was however, always the modus operandi in that side of my family - sweep bad things under the carpet and NEVER SPEAK OF THEM, "its just upsetting".

I didn't respond to the email. This morning I've had another one - did I call her yesterday, she had a missed call but she was asleep etc. Tbh the second email sounds almost manic.

What do I do? Initially I felt like sending an email setting out why I've not been in contact, all the things she's ever done that mean I can't trust her etc etc. But then what the point - it won't clear the air, she won't understand it and I don't want to get into a tit for tat. At least she won't try to justify herself I suppose.

I don't really want to be on contact with her so maybe I should send a "Don't contact me again"... but then that seems really unfair, I am her only family left; its not her fault she's emotionally damaged and even if I don't get anything out of a relationship with her, its not all about me either...

Maybe I should meet her and try and have an arms length relationship; but I don't want her weasling into the DC lives and then doing the "boiling frog" thing of getting more and more toxic till I cut contact and then, years later, when the memory dims of what she's like, she turns on the emotional blackmail again and the cycle continues.

Help! I don't even know what questions to ask myself to try and work this out.

Hissy Wed 09-Nov-16 12:18:45

Don't reply.

maintain radio silence

If she continues, speak to your IT people and have her blocked.

Hissy Wed 09-Nov-16 12:37:45

Trust your instincts!!!

ElspethFlashman Wed 09-Nov-16 12:40:23

Block her email. She will probably think the emails aren't reaching you for some technical reason.

If you ever bump into her again, deny till you're blue in the face that they ever reached you.

ElspethFlashman Wed 09-Nov-16 12:42:12

I have heard of people doing sneaky things too, like answering as if it's an automated message: "Error 404 - no host available" in the subject bar, or some shit like that. So she thinks it's just bounced back off the server.

ChemistryGeek Wed 09-Nov-16 12:51:46

I won't bump into her - she's put her new address on the emails, and where she's studying for her counselling (shiver) qualifications and its hundreds of miles away both from where I live now and from where I used to live.

She does have my current address (she sent the snail mail letters) but I have no idea how she got it and she's not turned up on the doorstep before so I've no reason to believe she would.

I hadn't thought about blocking her emails. Thank you. I'm going to set up a rule to automatically archive them where I can't see them for now and explore blocking her more permanently.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 09-Nov-16 14:07:00

Radio Silence from you is necessary.

Do not respond to your aunt; if you do it will just give her an "in" to bother you even more.

Block all her means of communicating with you as well. You have been in a no contact position with her for several years for good reason.

Jiggl Wed 09-Nov-16 14:10:44

You could always claim that your IT spam filter got to them before you did if you ever get accused of heartlessly ignoring them.

brodchengretchen Wed 09-Nov-16 14:51:10

IME nothing good comes from the type of messages you have been getting from Aunt. She's looking for a new emotional punchbag, so my advice is for you to block contact and continue to have nothing to do with her as pp have said.

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