wittery interfering husband

[twixbixstix]

Hope I don't get flamed for this, but I need to get this off my chest and I'd appreciate some helpful advice.
My husband wont stop talking and following me around; it's driving me crazy. He's wittery by nature, but only at home, he's very quiet with the outside world, but then comes home and will not stop talking and gossiping about anything and everything. He literally has no gage and will continue to do so when I'm ill or feeling under the weather, he follows me upstairs, into the bathroom, into the garage and will stand outside shut doors continuing to witter on when I'm trying to get some quiet.
It's become such a problem now that I'm worried about the lack of time and attention I'm giving to my children. When DH is around, he just wants my attention all the time and I try to speak to and communicate with the children but it's as if he competes.
I've now begun taking myself away in another room quite often, but this means me taking myself away from the children regularly to escape his witter.
He asks tons of questions all of the time, interfering questions which often question my ability to do something.
I know people may say I'm not giving him enough of my attention perhaps, but I see these exact traits on his mother. She's the village gossip and once she starts talking there's no getting away from her.
Before people ask me, no DH was not like this before we married, it's something that is worsening with age. I've tried ignoring him, answering sarcastically, giving him my full attention to see if it's stops, but nothing works.
I have no time, attention or mental energy for my children at times, so I need to find a solution. Other than this, DH is a good, loving husband.

[blueistheonlycolourwefeel]

Have you spelt it out tohim and told him exactly how annoying it is?

[Fishface77]

Have you actually sat him down and told him?
It would drive me mad!

[ComputerDog]

What happens if you say "I can't talk at the moment because I'm doing X, looking forward to catching up later".

Can't imagine dealing with this at home but I've had work colleagues who sound similar and that's how I handled it.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Oh my God, tell him to STFU. That would drive me insane. He does realise that acting like a needy toddler isn't attractive, right?

[twixbixstix]

I've spelt it out to him on countless occasions, even in tears sometimes. He tries really hard for a couple of weeks and then, something exciting or bad will happen that sets him off and it starts again. He doesn't even realise he's doing it, just works on auto-pilot. I genuinely believe it's a behaviour he's picked up on from living with MIL all those years, but its a real struggle to get him to change it. He does try.
When I tell friends or family about this, the think I'm making it up or tell me to be grateful that my husband wants to talk to me so much. But I find it unbearable. I'm the opposite and I'm very quiet at home, like to relax and be calm and relaxed around the children, then I'm quite extrovert outside the house. I'm finding the constant chatter and drain on my energy at home really difficult to cope with the further life goes on. I used to work in a heavy, stressful job and had to resign to do something more easy going after I had children. It makes me wonder whether the stress of being around DH at home has contributed to that.

[HandbagAtDawn]

I'd love to know what causes this. Someone in my family is exactly the same, right down to still talking to me through the closed bathroom door while I'm having a wee.

I sympathise as it's infuriating.

[HandbagAtDawn]

Do you still fancy him? Doesn't this completely kill your feelings?

[HermioneJeanGranger]

Does he know it's a very unattractive quality?

[Dieu]

Hmm, I wonder if it's a control thing. Why continue to do something that he knows annoys you so much?

[Joysmum]

I realise this sounds infantile as it's what I do with kids but it might work.

How about assigning a cue to give when he's like this, like a zipped mouth perhaps? When he sees this he knows he needs to switch behaviours. So it's not about stopping him, more about focusing in desirable behaviour. If he's too busy being on 'send' he's neglecting the needs of your DC and you so his mindset should be to switch to asking, to finding out, to pleasing you all.

[SmellySphinx]

Is this him?

[MooPointCowsOpinion]

Oh lord what a nightmare. I'm like you I need quiet at home, and my DH is a little full of jibber jabber at times. He's just happy to talk about the meaningless nonsense all around us whereas I'm more lets only talk about things that matter. He knows when he's irritating me though and he stops, and I make an effort to have a session or two of
Jibber jabber with him a week. He's not an arsehole so he understands the needs of people around him.

You're an introvert married to an extrovert. You are actually going to have to spell it out or sack him off or he will suck all the life out of you.

[CrystalGlitz]

Smelly that has made me LOL! "Only meeeee!"

[Greenandmighty]

Oh Op, you have my total sympathy! I'm same as you, need P&q at home.MIL similar, witters away about trivia, it's like a frigging woodpecker banging on your head. Would he react if you sit him down and explain how ill it's making you feel? He needs to understand. Is there any insecurity in your dh causing this behaviour? Good luck. You need to have your request for peace acknowledged. Xx

[HurricaneSwallows]

Smelly

[mummyto2monkeys]

Is your dh on the spectrum? He sounds like my son, who struggles to identify when facial expressions/ body language and tone of voice are trying to tell him that the person is not interested. My favourite technique is distraction, which is accompanied by affection and a promise to find time to chat properly later. So if D's has been out and he comes in and starts running off with excitement about what he has been doing then I stop him by asking him questions.

'Hi sweetie, it looks like you have had an exciting day! How was the drive home? Would you mind helping me with this basket, sorry I have dinner to make, I can't wait to hear about it all later'

You could try setting the kids up to occupy him, 'wow what a lovely story! I bet I know who would love to read it.. Daddy! Then he can help you with your. Homework!

Or 'darling your Mother phoned, she sounded a bit lonely, I bet she would love you to call her and tell her about your day!'

If you think that your dh may be autistic then looking into a diagnosis would be very helpful! There are lots of books out there devoted to adults who are on the spectrum (as well as to the partners of those who are on the spectrum) The NAS offers great information for everyone affected by autism.

www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/adults.aspx

[twixbixstix]

Yes Moopoint. This is exactly it! I only want to talk about the things that matter too! Do you find that your DH avoids talking about things that really matter? I've questioned whether mine is using the jibber jabber as an avoidance strategy!
Greenand mighty: the woodpecker chipping at your head I can hugely relate to! MIL is exactly the same, I actually avoid her at all costs now as I feel I need a lie down after being in her company! I think DH has inherited her characteristics, which is amazing as in the outside world he's so quiet! That's why I was so shocked when this came out when we married; he'd always been so laid back and more quiet before then.
I have also wondered about autism as DH does fail to pick up on social ques. When I'm tired or busy, he just trudges on talking about boring, trivial nonsense like the neighbours driveway or what his mate ate for lunch at work. However, MIL also does this, but she's just plain self absorbed and ignorant!
Spoke to DH about it last night and he could fully accept he'd been wittering over the last couple of days; he put it down to be excited about the holiday we've booked. I thought it may be the case. But even so, having to constantly pull him up, is just so repetitive and draining.