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Past

(58 Posts)
Icky871 Tue 08-Nov-16 13:45:31

How much do you discuss with you hb? I'm trying to find a middle ground hmm

cookieswirls Tue 08-Nov-16 13:46:59

Not much to be fair I didn't have an ex and he'd only had one so wasn't really much to discuss.

Icky871 Tue 08-Nov-16 13:48:02

Wish I'd met my hb before all the frogs

cookieswirls Tue 08-Nov-16 13:48:03

Think I misunderstood post face palm blush

Icky871 Tue 08-Nov-16 13:49:32

You are right!

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Tue 08-Nov-16 13:49:44

I know all his exes, he knows hardly any of mine. He has no idea how many sexual partners I've had, but knows I had lots of one night stands. Beyond that, we had been best friends for 18 years before we got together 2 years ago, so I know we're unusual.

I suspect most partnerships are less knowledgeable about each others foibles at this stage.

How long have you been together?

Icky871 Tue 08-Nov-16 13:55:07

4 years together.... he probably knows like 80% about my past. Sometimes he will ask me question and I want to explain the situation but he doesn't want details so the I feel like he gets half the info

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Tue 08-Nov-16 13:56:36

I do modulate some stories, and just don't tell other ones at all.

He doesn't really need all the gory detail about exes.

Icky871 Tue 08-Nov-16 13:57:45

Yeah I know .... but why do I feel so guilty I never used to feel like this until I confessed some stuff that I lied about..... now I feel like I need to tell him my autobiography 😣

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Tue 08-Nov-16 14:02:05

What is there to feel guilty about? Maybe you should sit down and talk together about the boundaries of conversations about the past. We did that, now I think about it, after he kept telling stories about an ex. I wasn't hurt, because this was when were getting used to the new change in our relationship. I explained that I didn't want to talk about her or any other ex, nor any of mine. He was happy with this, and when he asks - as he does - about my sexual experience of something we haven't done together, I might answer it but I might also say it's not appropriate to discuss it. So set some expectations and boundaries maybe?

Icky871 Tue 08-Nov-16 14:07:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ouriana Tue 08-Nov-16 14:12:42

Why are you telling him about kissing men?

I know DP has had a lot of partners, I know the names of a few exs and some details of his serious relationships, but I wouldnt know details like that and I wouldnt want too. Neither of us know how many people the other has slept with, and wouldnt tell each other about kissing someone unless it was part of an anecdote or funny story.

He absolutely should not be judging you on anything you have done in the past.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Tue 08-Nov-16 14:18:38

It's nothing to do with him. I once shagged several men in 48hrs in a particularly sex-fuelled, alcohol induced and destructive period of my life. He didn't know this when he was my best mate as I told no-one (until here and now!) because I was ashamed of it. I've come to terms with my behaviour and that's that. If he asked the direct question for some reason about the most partners in a week, I would decline to answer it on the basis it was not appropriate for us to discuss, as I'm with him and the past is long gone.

Why do you want to open up such details with him?

donajimena Tue 08-Nov-16 14:19:36

My fiance knows very little about my 'romantic' past nor I about his. He knows about my last partner before him and who the father of my children is. He knows pretty much everything about my life in terms of employment, hobbies I used to enjoy my music taste and travels.
I don't know much about his either (romantic/sexual) I wouldn't ask and I'd tell him to fuck off if he asked me.
Past is just that. It cannot be changed only learnt from.

baconandeggies Tue 08-Nov-16 14:19:43

Are you concerned about your husband's questions about your past? For most couples it rarely comes up as it's in the past... Harassing you for info and details (whether graphic or not) is a red flag for emotional abuse.

Icky871 Tue 08-Nov-16 14:20:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Tue 08-Nov-16 14:22:21

Don't be so hard on yourself. I do think a boundaries discussion would be useful though.

Icky871 Tue 08-Nov-16 14:23:28

Thank you for your replies I really do appreciate it I have been feeling so down.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 08-Nov-16 14:26:31

Yes, please have some counselling.
It sounds to me like he gets you to say things then uses them as a stick to beat you with!
Is that right?
If so, it's not OK!
You don't owe him any information about your past.
Nothing at all.
It's your past and yours alone.
Don't be bullied into sharing information you don't want to share.
If he pressures you, then there's another red flag you need to look at!

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Tue 08-Nov-16 14:27:06

Please don't feel badly about this, you are being perfectly reasonable and acting in a way I'd say most people do

I accept its probably a lie by omission, but at what point do you draw a line?

Icky871 Tue 08-Nov-16 14:30:37

Thanks you yes I will take up some councelling. I did have some before in which the counsellor told me to not admit to anything a white lies are fine .... which I couldn't do as I felt the need to be honest as I lied... and it ate me up. I told my hb that is part of the reason I didn't confess all and he said women protect women so they will always tell you want you want to hear.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Tue 08-Nov-16 14:34:52

Ok, so thinking from here: what is it you want to get from counselling? That won't change your husband's behaviour. Would he come to an appointment with you maybe?

Thatwaslulu Tue 08-Nov-16 14:36:43

My DH knows about my ex - I only have the one and he was a git who fucked me up, I haven't gone into details about some of the more harrowing stuff that happened to me because I find it hard to talk about but from what he knows, he can understand why I do or don't appreciate certain things.

I know lots about DH's past. He's a lot older than me (was married the year I was born) so he has a much more exciting past. I know roughly how many people he has slept with and some of his more outrageous exploits. But I think that's inevitable after 17 years together. Things like him snapping his banjo string (twice!) with an ex came up in conversation after watching something on the telly.

Icky871 Tue 08-Nov-16 14:38:42

No he said he wouldn't we had this argument 2-3 weeks ago. I think I just feel hurt and I can't speak to him about stuff as he reacted so badly about other bits I have told him. He has said I had no morals etc. For having a fling once soo do i just let this bubble away or ....

Icky871 Tue 08-Nov-16 14:39:21

The fling was when I was single!

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