Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Overlly Paranoid Partner

(29 Posts)
user1478556924 Mon 07-Nov-16 23:48:35

I have currently been with my partner for two years, on and off, as its been rather rocky at times.
When we first got together I thought everything was perfect, we were both happy, content and trusted each other. But as the time progressed he started acting off with me and was very cold towards me, and I never understood why. After a few months he started making me feel pretty worthless and disrespected, although I never gave him a reason to be like that with me. I almost treated him like a king and felt much love for him. He would constantly compare me against his other ex's and I would have constant reminders of how perfect and great they were, and that I was nothing like them. And to top it off he would contantly suggest that he could easily go out and get with another girl, and say how much he would give to go back with one of ex's. Dispite putting up with these constant coments, I stayed with him because I adored him so much, only to come home from work with a devastating text message saying that he had broken up with me and knew why... Obviously I did not know why. The situation left me absolutely heart broken, as it was my first ever proper relationship and first ever true love, this me psychologically unwell and unstable, as it was an unexpected happening. I lost so much confidence and lost myself. A month later after breaking up I get a phone call off my partner asking me to see him, and because of my mental state nothing would stop me from seeing him, because I dearly missed him and morned for him. We talked and discussed getting back together again, I was so delighted, and happy, but sadly fooled and tricked, as after a 'night' at his house, the next day he text me again saying that it was not what he wanted. I felt used and disgusted with him, as he just told me what I wanted to hear so that I would jump into bed with him...
Anyway about a year went by and after finally getting over the devastating relationship news (which took a long time) and finding myself again, he calls... Again. obviously at this point my state of mind is different and I am more cautious. But he wanted to start over again, so I agreed to, but to take it slow, because I didn't want to get hurt again. As time went on again it seemed nice and was going great, until the accusations arrived. I am contantly being accused of being with another guy called Jimmy Choo... Although everyone has said that I am doing nothing with this imaginary guy, he still will not believe me. Its got to a point where I cannot breathe or do anything without him accusing me of something. Examples; I look at someone, then I know them. I go to work, then I am up to no good, even though I rush to come straight home. Apparently, according tp him when we went away, I was sleeping with someone in the hotel room even though I was with him... and there's too many others to even write.
He also told me recently that a girl, who was supposedly his 'friend', that he would invite round for movies and cuddles, whilst he was with me, that he has lept with her more than once. Not only that recentlly I have found out that he has caught an sti from someone 'years ago' but never ever has told me he's had them, and now strangely they have re-appeared. He is at home all day whilst I am at work or university, and does not text me for hours, then when I get home and ask him what has he been up to, he just replies with sleeping. He now also has a lock on his phone, that I do not know, and I don't have one and he's always on mine reading harmless messages. Does this look suspicious, or is it just me? I feel like I am going mad and can't do anything right.
The worse feeling I have recently is anxiety, as he has shown signs of aggression and recently hurt me physically. It scares me because I never thought he would do such a thing and I know its not him. I always blame myself for his actions. What shall I do?

goddessofsmallthings Tue 08-Nov-16 00:21:00

I know its not him

If it's not him sleeping around, contracting veneral diseases, gaslighting you, and hurting you physically, who is it?

You know what you should do and the only question you should be asking is what's stopping you do it?

goddessofsmallthings Tue 08-Nov-16 00:22:05

doing it!

garlicandsapphire Tue 08-Nov-16 00:25:12

Dear OP. This man is destroying you. He is putting poison into every vein and controlling you. Get out now.

bedouincheek Tue 08-Nov-16 01:18:03

I'm sorry. From your description he is in no way acting like a partner. He is being dominating, dismissive, and detrimental to your mental health, self worth and utterly draining of your emotional energy.

I hope you are able to remove yourself from this environment and find the support/ new environment in which you can learn to rebuild the strength to be the best you you can be. Without him.
The reasons to make someone else feel lesser, is to feel better themselves - it is a control issue rather than an expression of love.

Partners support each other when they are at their absolute lowest- physically, emotionally / mentally, and if possible, helpful and necessary - financially.

There are partners like this in the world. It doesn't by any stretch mean it makes your relationship easy. Someone who is aware of these needs, probably has some if not all of these needs too. It's about trying to balance this out for both of you survive as a couple.
Really hope you are able to extricate yourself from this situation ASAP.

Isetan Tue 08-Nov-16 06:10:24

The question isn't why does he behave like this, that's pretty obvious, he's an arsehole and you take it. The more beneficial question to ask and which you totally have in your power to answer, is why do you take his crap?

You have a choice and staying around for more of his bullshit is a choice, just not an intelligent one.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Tue 08-Nov-16 06:18:22

Sweetie, he s controlling, emotionally abusive knob end of the highest calibre.(and he doesn't love you) Give yourself a huge early Christmas present and get him out of your life.

LellyMcKelly Tue 08-Nov-16 06:52:57

He sounds like a complete nut job. Get out of that mess right now.

CocktailQueen Tue 08-Nov-16 06:55:30

LTB. Then do some counselling to find out why you went back to this controlling arse.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Tue 08-Nov-16 07:00:35

This man does not love you, he's controlling and emotionally abusing you. You deserve better.

Anxiety notwithstanding, you need to leave him. Seriously.

What would you tell a dear friend who came to you and explained this story? Would you think it a healthy loving partnership or would you be concerned for her safety and sanity?

cookieswirls Tue 08-Nov-16 07:02:20

You are wasting precious years on this man and I hope and pray one day you will find the strength to leave him and move on. There are other men out there that will not treat you like this. I know you probably feel you still love him but have a good think about it . How can you love someone who treats you like this? Do you have family you can talk to ?

AmberEars Tue 08-Nov-16 07:06:33

OP, can you tell us anything nice your partner does for you, that makes you feel good about yourself? Anything at all?

blueistheonlycolourwefeel Tue 08-Nov-16 07:07:21

WHY do you keep going back? The man is clearly a complete cunt.

PoldarksBreeches Tue 08-Nov-16 07:13:15

This relationship is like self harm. You're killing yourself with him.

Glastokitty Tue 08-Nov-16 07:50:23

Come on sweetie, time to get a grip. This man hates you and treats you like shit. Time to woman up and tell him to fuck off for ever.

Kr1stina Tue 08-Nov-16 07:54:10

You mentioned you are at university . Go to student services at the university today and make an appointment with a cousellor . It's free and you can usually get an appointment straight away .

Tell them what you have written in your OP. If you find it too hard to say it, print off this thread and hand it to them.

its not your fault . No one will blame you. You have done the right thing in posting here . Please listen to the advice and act upon it.

Ebbenmeowgi Tue 08-Nov-16 08:01:00

He's abusive, cheats on you and dumped you by text. Sounds dreamy. Tell him and his little piggy trotters to trot off. You deserve so much better than this, it's not a relationship. Xx

Dieu Tue 08-Nov-16 10:21:21

Oh OP, please get some counselling. You need to understand why your self-esteem is so low that you'd put up with this. With understanding comes power, and hopefully the ability not to make poor choices like this in future. Very best of luck flowers

ChicRock Tue 08-Nov-16 10:28:22

I am contantly being accused of being with another guy called Jimmy Choo

What, the shoe designer? hmm

Isthisusernamefree Tue 08-Nov-16 11:59:23

OP, you poor thing, reading your post was like taking a walk through my life 8 years ago. When I was at University, this was me. It was terrifying, I felt alone and completely isolated, I didn't know what to do, I felt I had nowhere to turn and in the end, it took my ExP threatening to break into my parents house and beat my 11 year old Dsis with a baseball bat for me to do anything about it, even after all the physical abuse and mental torture he subjected me to.

Please know that you are NOT ALONE and you are certainly not mad, but you do need to leave him because this will only get worse. But I know leaving him will probably seem like an impossible thing, you love him and you want to believe he isn't the violent, aggressive and abusive man he's showing himself to be, at the moment you can probably find a way to reason with yourself that he's not that bad and he could change and that it's your fault and you'll do better, but he won't change and it absolutely is not you and you can't do anything at all to change his behaviour. In the end he'll destroy you and he'll make you think you deserve it and that he is normal and you are insane.

Are you at university near home/your parents/good friends you can rely on? Do you live with this man? If so, are you renting together or do you/he/both of you own the house?

You said he is home all day, does he work nights or is he always at the house?

Can you safely pack a bag without him being there and leave to stay with your parents/trusted friend or relative? I was living with my ExP at uni and during term time I felt so isolated that I didn't dare leave because I thought he'd 'catch' me before I managed to get to a place of safety. When I got home to my parents' during holidays, it was much easier to see clearly and get perspective on the situation as I knew I was safe from him. I think it would do you the world of good to get some distance, call Women's Aid for some advice (I did, even though I still didn't actually believe I'd been in an abusive relationship, and they were amazing, so helpful and kind) and if you feel able to, confide in your parents or a trusted friend, do not feel as though you are alone, surround yourself with people you trust.

I do also understand that at the moment you might not feel particularly like you're in danger or that the situation is urgent, but from your post it seems like you know you're already walking on eggshells around him because he assaults you with a barrage of questions and accusations. But if he has recently physically hurt you, the more he does it, the more confident he'll get that he's getting away with it and the more it will escalate. I do not want you to get to the point where you are too scared of him to walk out.

I also don't want to panic you with what i've said, it might seem like a lot, but there is not a single thing that you said in your post that does not resonate with me in the most personal of ways, I could have written that post myself in the past. I just want you to know that you are not alone at all and we're all here for you, please feel free to DM me for anything at all.


Shed 14 st of ugly weight. Do it today.

... and I know its not him.

This is TOTALLY him. This is EXACTLY him.

PsychedelicSheep Tue 08-Nov-16 13:30:48

What this jimmy choo?

Does he show any other signs of delusional beliefs? Either way, run. Run far away and never look back.

PsychedelicSheep Tue 08-Nov-16 13:41:13

Actually having re-read that he sounds dangerous. Have a read about othello syndrome and paranoid personality disorder.

Please tell someone in rl everything you have said here, family, friends, GP, women's aid, student support, counsellor. I think you might need help with getting away as he may well act out quite severely, suicide threats and the like.

I don't want to frighten you but he sounds quite disturbed, the cheating is the least of your problem tbh.

summerskittles91 Tue 08-Nov-16 13:46:48

I thought the same.


OP you need to leave this relationship, you haven't listed anything positive about it at all. Its tearing you up and he doesn't care. He can't be trusted.

chipmonkey Tue 08-Nov-16 14:01:26

Darling, what you feel for him is attraction/infatuation, not love. Love is when someone is supportive and kind. This guy is not and won't ever be loving to you. Someone who loves you doesn't hurt you physically or mentally.
You need to leave. And I agree with others that you need to seek counselling to get to the bottom of why your self-esteem is so low that you think you should put up with this.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now