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Ex dp started new life abroad without me and baby

(14 Posts)
charlie28 Mon 12-Feb-07 15:07:47

Hey...im new here and just thought i would tell you all my problem and see if anyone had any advice. Im 7mths pregnant and the babies father dumped me when i refused to abort this baby, after aborting one prevously and having 1 miscarrage. we went through many moths of arguing and in the end he said he would support us both and we started talking and laughing and getting on. We had even arranged to meet up at one weekend a few weeks ago to talk about money and go shopping for the baby. I thought we were turning the corner and maybe even think about getting back together. Before that happened he was offered a job abroad and he took it. Within 48 he was gone, he has made it clear he doenst want us there and i just feel so lost. Im scared that he wont have a
relationship with the baby and i honestly thought we were getting back together...now i just see my child never knowing his father and no future for us but how do i tell him that without creating a massive gulf between us..??? im just so lost and so gutted

Muminfife Mon 12-Feb-07 16:30:14

Message withdrawn

J20BABY Mon 12-Feb-07 16:36:56

hi charlie

poor you!

i'm in a similar situation, my baby's dad has left me, even though we was trying for a baby- i'm 6 weeks now, and he keeps telling me to get a termination. i've made the decision to keep it, but i've still got doubts.

i know how your feeling, its the helplessness thats the worst is'nt it. all i can say, is, i joined here a couple of weeks ago, and the support has been great.

things will hopefully get better, have you got support from friends and family?

if you want to chat, let me know and i'll send you my email address, all the best for you and your baby. x x

charlie28 Mon 12-Feb-07 16:45:43

he sis the same to me...made me choose, him or the baby and then told me he hoped for my sake i had made the right decision!!!!!

on the plus side (there is 1) i have a great family who will be there to support me and the baby but im just so scared this baby wont have a proper relationship with his father.
To be honest i have let him walk all over me in this relationship and im pretty sure from the gist of the few telephone call we have had since he has been gone that he will be happy to continue to let me hang on for him...i dont want that anymore. As much as i love him and i do i dont want to put my life on hold for someone who wont do it for me. The fact that he even went has hurt me more then i think he will ever realise. and i dont think i will ever be able to forgive him for that.
i feel as if he just walked away without a second thought for me or this baby and we had been together for 7 years.
This is my first baby and he has missed near enough the whole pregnancy...that hurts
aswell.
as much as i have family and freinds all around me i just wish he could just at least be in the same country as us and share the speacial times with me.
i know that time is a great healer and everyone tells me once i have this baby i will feel stronger..but i just feel so bad for my baby.

charlie28 Mon 12-Feb-07 16:46:37

he sis the same to me...made me choose, him or the baby and then told me he hoped for my sake i had made the right decision!!!!!

on the plus side (there is 1) i have a great family who will be there to support me and the baby but im just so scared this baby wont have a proper relationship with his father.
To be honest i have let him walk all over me in this relationship and im pretty sure from the gist of the few telephone call we have had since he has been gone that he will be happy to continue to let me hang on for him...i dont want that anymore. As much as i love him and i do i dont want to put my life on hold for someone who wont do it for me. The fact that he even went has hurt me more then i think he will ever realise. and i dont think i will ever be able to forgive him for that.
i feel as if he just walked away without a second thought for me or this baby and we had been together for 7 years.
This is my first baby and he has missed near enough the whole pregnancy...that hurts
aswell.
as much as i have family and freinds all around me i just wish he could just at least be in the same country as us and share the speacial times with me.
i know that time is a great healer and everyone tells me once i have this baby i will feel stronger..but i just feel so bad for my baby.

J20BABY Mon 12-Feb-07 16:54:20

yeah they like to try and twist it don't they?! i'm glad you've got support, and just remember it will be him missing out on your beautiful baby, hopefully he will show an interest, but if he doesn't its his loss and your baby will still be lhappy and loved by you and your family x x

charlie28 Mon 12-Feb-07 17:02:57

your so right. i just wish i had seen him for what he really was before this little baby got caught in the middle.
Whilst i don regret my baby at all part of me just wishes i could have a clean break away from him and not have to speak to him about anything.

With regard to you J20BABY...i still have little lingering doubts everyday, like am i gonna be ok? etc etc they dont go away but then everytime i feel my baby kicking and moving i know i done the right thing. I couldnt have lived with myself if i have had a termination and he begged me to...telling me that he would be there to support me through all the bad times....he would have still have gone.

MEN!!!!!AAAARRRGGGGHHH

J20BABY Mon 12-Feb-07 17:55:43

my sentiments exactly!! along with B@s**rd's! and plenty of other obsenities! keep your chin up, it realy does help me to come on here, even if you join in with other conversations, it takes your mind off things for a bit x

VeniVidiVickiQV Mon 12-Feb-07 18:00:46

Well, I would imagine with the birth imminent, you are worrying about lots of things. Women do at this stage.

I think the best thing you can possibly do is start to make decisions based on what will be best for you and your baby and exclude him from your plans completely - he is clearly not to be relied upon.

If he decides he wants to play a part in his childs life, then thats fine and should be encouraged, but, I think until such time that it happens (and it may well not happen), you've just got to assume that it isnt going to happen. Anything after that is a bonus.

charlie28 Wed 21-Feb-07 11:47:36

Hey guys..just an update for you all. And hope someone can help clear the fog in my head!!!! Mr ex called me last night and we spoke about many things, he is going to get some money paid into my bank account, he wants to be a part of the baby life, which is all great and fine. I aksed him if he was happy..he said professionlly it was the chance he has always wanted to work abroad but with regards to his private life he still doesnt know if he has made the right decision. He said that the first time he will be entiled to take any holiday would be june!! (4-6weeks after the bubba is due!) and that the contract he signed was for 2 years!!!! we then went on to talk about us and he made comments like 'youll be over me by the time i come back', and 'once you have had the baby and started going out again men will be tripping over themelves to get to you' so to me it sounds like he wants me to move on to make himself feel better.
Although i new it was over and that i had to move on it hurt me soo much to hear him talk about me meeting other people and thats what he thought i should do. After i put the phone down i creid for hours and then got even more upset coz it proves im nowhere near over him but he he seems to be more then over me. He doesnt want me to go to spain and when i asked him if he missed me he replied 'i dont miss anyone that way i cant get hurt' i told him he was lucky to be able to control his feelings like that!!!
im sooo thankful for my baby...but sometimes i wish i had never met him due to the amount of pain i have felt since being with him!!!! any advice

hoolagirl Wed 21-Feb-07 19:59:22

I think once you have the baby and are looking after it, you will really see how much he has let you both down and then you will be over him.
I was alone throughout my entire pregnancy and first year of ds's life, luckily I wasn't hung up on the father, so didn't have those feelings to cope with as well.
You will have such a tremendous amount to do when you baby arrives, you will not have time for someone that is going to let you both down.
Good luck with everything x

charlie28 Thu 22-Feb-07 07:56:27

I know that once i have my baby in my arms my piorities will be completely different.
I spoke to him again last night and asked him if we could give us a go for the sake of our baby because we have both admitted that wwe still love each other!! he said no...he said that i had a choice to make either him or the baby and i chose the baby and he told me that if i had aborted he would have stayed with me but because i went against what he said we cant be together!!!
that alone made me feel stronger..i made alot of sacrifices for him in the time we were together and for him to try to be soo comtroling and treat me like i was a 5 year old....can you believe it????

LoveMyGirls Thu 22-Feb-07 08:16:10

You are better off without him,Hoolagirl is right when baby comes there will be no time for this dickhead in your life. I know you love him and think you want him back but in 6mths you will be a different person and will wonder why you ever thought you would want someone in your life that will always let you down.

lazymoo Fri 23-Feb-07 23:46:49

My baby is a big boy now, but when I was 6 months pregnant with him, my DP of 6 years left me for another woman. It hurts like hell doesn't it, and every phone call is like a knife. I dealt with it in 4 stages, and maybe you could take some of this advice and twist it to suit you.
1) I wrote a list of things to achieve and what the end result would be, starting with get through pregnancy = end result DS, go out with friends = self confidence, learn to drive = Independance, College courses = better job, It took a long time but by the time DS was at school I had the job of my dreams, a degree, and the feeling of being a better person than ex dp.
2) I vowed that I would never stand in the way of my lads father seeing him, but would always be doing something when he came around (normally ironing) and when he started taking the baby out I would have something to do, either going out with friends or revision for the college course, or just simply a facial and long bath.
3) I knew my ex DP had Grandparents who lived nearby (they were old and very frail) I took DS to visit them every week, half an hour at each house. This makes me sound like a mug, and thats maybe so, but there was no way my DS was going to miss out on his family because ex dp was a spectacular drop kick. I never took DS to visit his grandparents, only great grandparents (grandparents could walk) that sounds weird I know but ... I did this to make me feel the better person.
4) I got therapy, and I am glad I did because it got to the point that I was feeling so blue and starting to suffer from PND. My therapist told me that people in my (and your) situation are 10 times likely to get PND.

I know you feel awful and it's trite to say that things will feel easy over time, but they truly will. Love and Hugs

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