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How to handle this

(9 Posts)
Dawndonnaagain Mon 07-Nov-16 20:27:12

dd has had a nervous breakdown. She cannot manage her first year at uni. She split up with a boyfriend last year, they got back for a while this year and split up again. She is totally lacking in confidence despite being beautiful, clever and funny. However, due to her father spending the last three years undermining her, telling her she'd never amount to anything, calling her a cunt at regular intervals, she doesn't believe that she is any of those things. This (I suspect) has been done deliberately, I think he thought she'd look after him. What worries me is she might at some point because all she wants is Dad to love her and she can't quite see that Dad only loves himself. He hasn't been here for a couple of months and I have other threads about how he is still exerting his control, in the main through the (vulnerable adult) dc. The latest attack was last week in which she had to cope with a forty minute diatribe about how evil and controlling I am and how I have done nothing but stolen from him, her and everybody else for years on end. Of course none of it's true, he has a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and this is what he tells himself because he is unable to accept responsibility. She did ask him not to talk about us, but he ignored her. She begged him to drop (the trumped up) allegations about me, and he told her that I hadn't been through what he'd been through and that it was my fault and I could stop it going to court by accepting that I'd done these things.
None of this is true of course. I'm arranging help and counselling for her (whilst going through the same for me) but although in her twenties, emotionally she's fifteen and really doesn't understand why it's dangerous to be friends with a narcissistic person with borderline personality disorder. I just want to look after her and keep her safe from him and have no idea how to protect her from his more unpleasant traits. Any ideas appreciated, she really is so very vulnerable.

jeaux90 Mon 07-Nov-16 20:38:50

Gosh It's awful. Bloody narcs!! I hope the counselling will help her understand that she needs to go no contact with him. It's the only way with them. Does she understand what a narc is about? My ex was a narc, I am no contact and so is my dd (7).

When I was going to a therapist (to keep me sane through the split from him) she told me to run and don't look back (she was his therapist too)

The counselling that you have organised do they know he is a narc? You just do what you are doing and surround her with your love and hopefully she can take the decision to cut him out. You can see all the threads on here about dealing with narc parents. I know that's not what you want for her.

So sorry! Xxx

QuiteLikely5 Mon 07-Nov-16 20:46:00

Sort out counselling as a matter of urgency.

Do not criticise her father to her.

Listen and be supportive.

She loves both of you. Any negativity from either of you toward the other will cause her emotional distress

Dawndonnaagain Mon 07-Nov-16 21:06:34

Thank you, both of you. I don't criticise him, I point out, gently, that he is unwell and can't help it. She does see that his reality is different to the reality experienced by the other five of us, but doesn't quite get it yet. I try to tell her not to engage when he wants to talk about our relationship, but he starts and she wants to protect me whilst still wanting to be loved by him. I just keep reassuring her that no matter what, I love her. The counsellor will know he is a narc. I will (with her agreement) have some input in the first meeting. I'm so angry and I'm so hurt for her, I have ptsd because of him and I don't care, I care about my wee girl. Bastard!

jeaux90 Mon 07-Nov-16 22:25:31

That's good that the counsellor will know and can help her work her way out of the way he has conditioned her to behave. Good luck, big hug and I hope your lovely girl grows strong again soon xxx

Dawndonnaagain Tue 08-Nov-16 15:58:30

We're home, she's relieved to be here. I will get things in motion from tomorrow. Thank you for your help and kindness.

OhNoNotMyBaby Tue 08-Nov-16 16:02:41

Is her father living with you? i can't figure out if you are all in the same house or not. If you are, you need to get out asap. Your DD is unable to protect herself from her father - you need to do it for her. She needs to get some space from him.

Dawndonnaagain Tue 08-Nov-16 17:22:34

No, he was arrested a few months ago for d.a. and is housed elsewhere. I have had no contact, but she wants contact and as she is in her twenties I can't prevent that. As I said, all she wants is to be loved by him. He'll say he does, if asked, but isn't capable of it. He has rung her since and typically behaved as though nothing has happened. I didn't feel (nor do I feel) in a position to discourage contact, I suspect it would push her further toward him, she has a learning difficulty and that would be her normal response.
I should have had him arrested or kicked him out years ago so I'm partly responsible for this. I'm not proud of myself nor happy with myself about it. As I say, I'm still suffering the effects of his behaviour too. But dd is my priority at the moment.

Molly333 Fri 11-Nov-16 06:13:10

I work in mental health and those with personality disorders are typically manipulative and destroy relationships . They need form boundaries at all times !

My advice is arm your daughter find information on personality disorder , get her to read it , it may help her see and feel less bad . Also counselling is urgent here but it has to be a good counseller and the right one as he's alrready done damage to her x

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