Boyfriend will only moan to me non stop but forgets to moan when his mates come over....

[Linx1990]

Hi all,

I'm coming up to my 6th year living with my boyfriend who never used to moan/whinge/whine/btch much when we first started going out and would point out to me how positive everyone said he is....

Recently though, probably last three years or abit less he has got into the habit of moaning about anything and everything.

It started with him crying about work when he got in in the evening, I would listen at the start and try to talk to him about it but he would just moan so bad you couldn't get a word in and by the time he had finished he had exhausted himself and I so I couldn't say anything to help, this continued for months, but the problem was that he would come home from work, have a moan about his problems and then ask his mates to come over, soon as his mates were round it was all laughter and giggles, he was back but because his mates were round I wasn't really included in that happiness and he would be on the ps4 or something anyway...

(I would always remember him saying whenever I would point out to him his moaning "my mates/colleagues say I'm the most positive person they've met"- he can't even hear his own moaning or is too blind to see, I have pointed it out to him before but he disregard's it or doesn't think he is moaning about anything?!?!?! Is he doing this to wind me up because it is definitely working).

He now just moans about whatever anytime he is alone with me. Weekends, he wakes up in a strop, throw some bits around the house in a btch fit and then go off and see a mate and come back like nothing has happened. I think he thinks its normal behaviour to throw stuff around the house cos he does that alot...I've not broken one thing in the whole time we have lived together, it has all been him.

The problem is that I personally can't be bothered in all honesty to help him, I couldn't care less about him when he behaves like this all because he is perfectly fine as soon as he is within the company of his friends.....
(I literally can't be bothered to change him as a person or put effort in, I know that sounds bad or lazy but the problem isn't with me its him...and I wouldn't have to deal with it if I was single...).

Does anyone else have these problems? I know I should do something but like I say why bother? I feel like I'm being an absolute mug putting up with him.

Side note, he has changed jobs countless times since we have been together...

[ThisIsStartingToBoreMe]

Bin him

[OohhThatsMe]

He sounds horrible! Just because you decided to live with him years ago, it doesn't mean you have to keep living with him! I'd be off - I couldn't stand someone moaning all the time. It's too depressing.

[Whathaveilost]

Time to move on.

[ivykaty44]

If you don't care about him there lies your answer.....

[Smartleatherbag]

Bloody hell. Are you getting anything back from him, or are you just an emotional punch bag? Awful.

[Ohdearducks]

He sounds like a stroppy teen.
What are you getting out of the relationship, apart from your stuff broken? Bin him.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

You're his GF, not his shrink. You could be a girlfriend-shaped cut-out cardboard and he'd still moan at it. This is my reflection on how well he regards you. On the contrary, this is a whinge-a-lot version of displaying anger/violence (when misguided people suggest maybe he needs anger management, but in reality he "manages" just fine around coworkers, police, his dad, etc. Ya know, anybody whom he actually respects. You've accurately identified that he's perfectly sunny around everybody else, well done you.

Oh, and throwing things around and picking fights. You know this is wrong.

[Linx1990]

Thank you! That's a very good way of putting it.

I often think that he thinks I am constantly on stand by for him....if that makes any sense lol he will ask me to do stuff for him sometimes (not always ) as though I'm on stand by, waiting for his next order....

[Smartleatherbag]

Unfortunately, some blokes do expect Their Woman to be available for all their emotional care taking. He's gone beyond this too now, by the sound of it.

[SandyY2K]

A moaning man is a huge turn off. I'd be done with him.

[Creampastry]

Ltb

[TheNaze73]

He sounds like a proper neg ferret. Bin him off

[Kr1stina]

Dump

[665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast]

Phrase for future use
"You seem to have mistaken me for someone who gives a shit"

[threemoregoals]

Just call him on it. Refuse to soak it up. Calmly ask 'did anything nice happen today?' Move away from him into another room or go out and explain that you don't want to be brought down by someone else's bad mood. In short, tell him to make an effort.
He's taking you for granted. He doesn't think he has to be nice or interested/interesting or fun in your company. Tell him he needs to make an effort else you might not want to spend much time with him. But mean it- go and do other stuff.

[Atenco]

I literally can't be bothered to change him as a person or put effort in, I know that sounds bad or lazy but the problem isn't with me its him

I think when a relationship gets to the point that you can't even be pissed to argue, it's run its course.

He's totally taking you for granted

[leaveittothediva]

You might as well have a lodger, only you probably wouldn't put up with him speaking to you like that. Your getting nothing from a relationship with him. Would he rather be single.? Its looking like he could be sooner than he thinks. What's the point.?. You have got to take some ownership for your own happiness. Do it.

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

Your stock answer to him should be the most irritating word in the English language:
Whatever.
He deserves it-which indicates that your relationship has run it's course.
Don't waste any more of your time with him (certainly don't have children with him).

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Your thinking is correct but the patriarchy or society or whatever are messing with your correct thinking.

(I literally can't be bothered to change him as a person or put effort in, I know that sounds bad or lazy but the problem isn't with me its him...and I wouldn't have to deal with it if I was single...).
Correct, the problem is with him.
Correct you cannot change a person.
Correct you would not have to deal with it if you were single.
Incorrect that you sound bad or lazy you sound most right thinking to me. I refer you to your previous correct statements.

Does anyone else have these problems? I know I should do something but like I say why bother? I feel like I'm being an absolute mug putting up with him.
Yes, loads of people have these problems, they stay for years looking for ways to change the man they have into the man they want. The relationships board is frequently well populated with people looking for ways to manage their partner into being a totally different person, ideally like the person they seemed they might be for a couple of months when they were first dating.

Yes, why bother, he's not bothered. You told him it bothered you and he just dismissed you by saying other people don't find him negative. Oh that's ok then, obviously you are wrong and you must shut up, preferably now because he has some important moaning to do.

Yes, you are being a mug to stick around being the stand by assistant and whinge absorber. You could be out meeting someone who is actually compatible long term with you. Or just having fun.

[Glastokitty]

Dump the miserable moaning git. Life's too short.

[ravenmum]

So when you first started going out he kept underlining how non-moany he was? Is that because he'd just split up with someone who accused him of moaning all the time?

[Isetan]

He doesn't forget to moan when his friends come over, instead he has made the calculation that they wouldn't be his friends for lon, if he constantly whinged to them. However, it's different with you because by putting up with it for so long you've demonstrated that his constant complaining isn't a deal breaker for you.

Everyone has a role to play in relationship dynamics and yours is being his on call emotional crap taker. The solution is simple, stop being on call.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

So, what's your plan, OP? You've said you've already tried talking to him, do you think it's worth trying again? (I don't, FTR). What are the logistics if you do split up? Whose house is it, for instance?

And I think ravenmum has an excellent point there ...

[Atenco]

Would he rather be single.?

Well it would give hims something else to moan about, so that is a plus

[JinkxMonsoon]

Break up.

Neither of you are happy and you don't even seem to like him anymore.