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He makes me want to gag

(22 Posts)
user1478545823 Mon 07-Nov-16 19:45:02

My husband & I have been separated for nearly 6 mths (my choice) & I have been living very happily in my own house for about 2 mths.
I have a new partner & we are very happy - my husband suspects but doesn't know fully about my new partner.
My STBXH was very abusive in the past (emotionally & verbally) which resulted in the police being called. He has made numerous suicide threats (designed to stop me leaving). He never let me go out with friends and would phone every hour to check where I was. It was such a relief to finally leave (after 25 yrs), I sat in all the moving boxes & cried.
Now I try to keep things on an even keel and we have had a pretty civil 'friendship' in the past 4 weeks but I find to do this I give up a piece of my soul every time - being nice just so he doesn't revert back to his old abusive behaviour. He says he needs a cuddle and pulls me towards him & then whispers things like "I've got a semi" - I feel violated & sick. telling me know will love me like he does.
On Saturday he needed our (still jointly paid for) car (this was genuine) & I completely forgot I had left my wallet in the glove compartment. As he drove off my son realised he'd left his phone charger in the car as well so I phoned him & he looked and found the charger. Whilst looking he found my wallet. He reversed & gave me the charger. On Sunday morning he phoned & started questioning me about where I had been on certain dates - he questioned what I had spent £5.46 on in Boots, he had found Tesco receipts & worked out what branch things had been bought at. He then admitted he had found the wallet and purposefully kept it so he could go through it.
I just don't know the best course of action of how to deal with him anymore.

jeaux90 Mon 07-Nov-16 20:00:31

Ignore any questions that are personal, you are not obliged to answer them and next time he pulls you in tell him not to touch you as you are no longer a couple. Push his arms away and move. He's a controlling asshole and you are free!! X

Trifleorbust Mon 07-Nov-16 20:06:13

Serious boundary issues. You need to tell him that you aren't together anymore and his behaviour isn't appropriate.

Dozer Mon 07-Nov-16 20:08:54

He's still abusive so you need boundaries, eg get out of the car sharing asap and deal with essential matters to do with the DC by phone and email don't be alone with him.

Dozer Mon 07-Nov-16 20:09:54

If you have adult DC or no DC then go completely no contact.

Pallisers Mon 07-Nov-16 20:18:33

You feel violated because you are being violated - that "hug" is disgusting.
Don't contact him, don't talk to him. Tell him you will report any more thefts to the police.

He will be the same asshole whether you are nice to him or not. You don't need to be friends with him. Your kids are probably quite old enough to manage their relationship with him by themselves.

He really sounds disgusting.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Mon 07-Nov-16 20:22:49

He's disgusting. You need serious boundaries, that is, if you can't go no contact. Don't be nice to him - be brisk and professional. Don't let him hug you, don't try to placate him, you don't need to be friends with him. Buy your own car or take the bus.

you've had 25 years of this shit - and you've done SO well getting out of it. Just another wee push now and you can have him out of your life completely, or at least on your terms.

WingsofNylon Mon 07-Nov-16 20:42:22

You do not need to maintain any sort of friendship with this man. You certainly don't need to show him any physical attention. He is still trying to control you.

Well done for getting away. Please take the last few steps and truely get away.

Notagain16 Mon 07-Nov-16 20:45:49

Don't share a car! You need to sort that out straight away.

QuiteLikely5 Mon 07-Nov-16 20:47:45

Why are you still in contact?

user1478545823 Mon 07-Nov-16 20:56:25

We are still in contact for a few reasons - the car although I have just managed to secure a car that I can pick up at the weekend.
We still have a joint bank account for on going bills etc although I will be applying for my own account tomorrow.
& I guess the children - my son was the person who actually called the police . One son chose to live with his Dad (because, I feel, he is allowed to run riot). I just want everything to be ok for them - writing this, however, makes me realise this behaviour is detrimental to them - he even checked with my son to see where I was one day last week.
I have a recording of him calling me the worst names possible (then the usual cycle of being contrite).
I know what I need to do I just need to be a bit stronger

Hassled Mon 07-Nov-16 21:00:21

Is there a possibility that after the initial drama things might actually improve if you did tell him about the new man? It might just cause him to drop the familiarity and the over-stepping of boundaries.

But if not - yes to what everyone else has said. Your DCs sound like they're old enough to sort arrangements. You have your own place and soon your own car. There's no reason you need ever see him again if you don't actively want to. I know how hard it is to make that break - you're conditioned to contact at this stage. But life will be so much easier when you've cut all the ties.

user1478545823 Mon 07-Nov-16 21:05:54

My closest friends have begged me not to tell him about the new man as they fear for my safety - he ran over my belongings in the road, we had a 'cling film' incident (me backed against the wall with him over me with the cling film).
Hassled - the conditioning is so right 25 years of doing everything for him makes it hard but is now essential

DearMrDilkington Mon 07-Nov-16 21:10:06

I'd tell him your seeing someone.

Men who abuse woman tend to be complete cowards, he'll back down out of fear of upsetting your new boyfriend (not saying he would do anything btw). In his mind being violent is normal and the only person he cares about himself, so he won't it won't be in his best interests to keep making you uncomfortable.

DearMrDilkington Mon 07-Nov-16 21:11:55

user stop letting this man in your house. When he collects dc, you take them to the car to wave them off. When he drops them off home again try to get to the car before he gets out.

He'd be an fool to do anything in public. I'd also have a word with your neighbours and ask them to phone 999 if they hear any shouting from your ex dh.

AyeAmarok Mon 07-Nov-16 21:18:06

Your answer to any of his questions about where you were, what you bought etc needs to be "that's none of your concern", on repeat.

Don't indulge him. You don't owe him an answer.

timelytess Mon 07-Nov-16 21:24:38

Men who abuse woman tend to be complete cowards, he'll back down out of fear of upsetting your new boyfriend
This isn't always the case.
Cowards or not, some abusive men kill their wives when they think they have lost 'control' of them.
He is still exercising control with the car, finances, 'cuddles' etc. Be clear and firm and trust your instinct.

user1478545823 Mon 07-Nov-16 21:29:48

He has hassled me for the new man's no/address and tried to access my phone records to find out info. He keeps a cricket bat by his front door for the day he finds out that information

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Mon 07-Nov-16 21:31:02

I don't think any of us can say if telling him about your new P is a good thing or not. It might make him back off, it might make him escalate. I think it will certainly draw more poison towards the DCs, from what op has said above.

Personally I think the most important thing is that you find a new way of being around him, rather than depending on 'protection' from another man. Cos that's pretty toxic too.

CockacidalManiac Mon 07-Nov-16 21:33:48

I think it's time to talk to the police about him sexually assaulting you masquerading as a 'hug'. Plus the threatening behaviour too.
He needs warning off officially, by the sound of it.

Cherrysoup Mon 07-Nov-16 22:28:38

Phone police re threat-keeping cricket bat for when he finds out new man's info! Wanker! Cut all face to face contact. One presumes the DC are old enough to see him alone? Wouldn't see him again except in court if he starts trying to be a wanker financially.

SandyY2K Mon 07-Nov-16 23:10:48

I'd keep contact to text messages and avoid face to face meetings. What you spend money on isn't his concern.

I hope he doesn't get information on your new man from your sons though. I'd seriously consider reporting his threats.

If I was seeing a guy, who's Ex was violent and had made threats about going to attack me, I'd really want to know that. Because men like him have gone as far as hiring a private investigator to trace where the man lives and killed or badly hurt them.

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