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Sick grandfather (abuse related)(23 Posts)
(this is going to be long sorry) I have posted before on stately homes thread. My mother gave me away as a child and I spent time in care and various family members. I never had a home and was made aware that I was only ever a guest in whichever place I was living. My grandmother visited me in this time.
My mother had a terrible relationship with myself and my grandmother. Mother had more children. She loved them but treated them badly. I loved my siblings and my grandmother a lot. My grandmother eventually took me in properly to live with her when I was 10ish. (a little vague on details as I lived in a different home every six months for the first 10 years). It was made clear to me that I was a burden to my grandmother and that I was lucky she decided to keep me and that I should be grateful.
Once at my grandmothers her husband starting abusing me. My grandmother knew and hated me for stealing her husband and being a slut like my mother. The next three years she beat me for being a horrible person. When I was 13 she threw me out for being a husband stealer. I saw a shrink who told me I was evil and it was all my fault.
My mother and her husband took me in and I moved from germany to england. My mother then beat and starved me until she left me here just a year later. My step dad carried on looking after me. He was a drunk but he kept me.
During this time I still had visits from my grandmother and her husband and monthly phone calls. I didn't like talking to him and every time he visited he made moves on me again. The last time he touched me was at my mothers funeral 10 years ago.
I was barely sleeping and was in a bad way mentally. I had to carry on with the calls as it was made clear to me that it was my duty and that my grandmother took me in when no one had ever loved or wanted me.
Anyway 2 years ago I finally went no contact after more abuse on phone. My grandmother wanted me to leave my sons in england and go back to care for her. It was made clear that it was my duty as I had forced her husband to cheat and as she took me in. I had to walk away as I was hiding from phone ringing, I still had terrible nightmares and I was crying after every call. She seemed to enjoy forcing me to talk to her husband and seemed to like punishing me.
So the reason I'm posting is that my sister (she is also no contact with me as she used me for money and she didnt care when told about the abuse) sent a message to say my grandmothers husband is in hospital in a bad way.
I am back to not sleeping as I'm trying to work up the courage to go back to hell by getting back in contact.
I have my sons and my partner plus various friends (my family) but my grandmother took me in. She needs my support now so I will have to go back. I am so afraid that I am going to break over this. The last 2 ish years I have slept and felt safe and loved. It's all going to go again and I can't cope.
Sorry this is so long and so rambly. English is not my first language so sorry if its all a mess. I just really needed to get it all out.
You do not have to go back.
None of this is your fault, or your responsibility. Your grandmother is as much an abuser as your grandfather.
Steer well clear.
You really do not need to go back. Your primary loyalty and responsibility now is to your DC and DP. You owe it to them to protect yourself and keep your GM at arms length. You owe her nothing. You were a child.
Why do you need to go back?
None of this is your fault, and you do not owe your grandmother or grandfather anything
Do not get back into contact with anyone.
Stick with your own wee family (your partner and your kids), and ignore the existence of the rest of
the bastards them.
Why do you feel like it's your responsibility to give up your life and go help people who have treated you so appallingly throughout your life?
I don't think there is anything wrong is remaining NC. Yes, your grandmother took you in, but then you were subject to emotional , verbal and sexual abuse and subsequently blamed for it.
For your own sanity and wellbeing, allow them to rot in the pit of their own making and focus on your own family and those who truly love and support you.
Hugs to you.
The only person whose needs and wishes you need to consider here is you
No no no
Do not go back
Keep your life with your sons and partner and ignore all communications from these utterly evil people.
She "took you in" is an old fashioned phrase and in your case it means nothing. She didn't protect you, she didn't look after you, she beat you. She did not help you at all and you owe her nothing but contempt.
I'm glad your grandad is sick, at least he'll have to stop abusing as it's likely you were one of many victims.
Prioritise your own sons over a wicked elderly couple.
I guess that's what I needed to hear. I just feel so selfish. My grandmother is hurting and I am doing nothing to help. She was the closest thing to a mother I ever had. Her daughter is dead. Her son hates her.
She has her family (siblings) around so she is not alone but i just feel so selfish. I am putting my own health and mental wellbeing above my own blood.
I am a good person. I volunteer. I help people if i can. I would do anything for anyone and try my best to be a good person. Under all that though I am hoping that he dies. He is a monster and I want to sleep again. I want to feel safe. I am hoping once he's gone the nightmares will go too.
I feel like I should do something. Send a card or visit or just anything but I'm too selfish and too scared to go back.
How do I find a way to make it ok that I am willing to leave someone suffering?
Your only duty now is to your children. They need a calm, settled, happy mother, and you deserve the peace that no contact has brought you.
I'm not sure if anyone has ever said this to you, but I sincerely hope they have.
You are not a bad person. None of this was your fault. You didn't deserve it. You matter, your peace of mind and happiness matters.
You don't have to go back, you really really don't. You owe them nothing - if your sister is so worried about them, she can care for them.
Stay home, stay happy. Would you seek further counselling? Something specifically geared towards survivors of abuse? A good counsellor could really help you work through the feelings that have resurfaced
You owe them nothing, nothing. They should be in jail. Ignore, ignore, ignore
I am so sorry about the random !
I would just add, you are human, and hoping death on him is a normal emotion.
She isn't the closest thing you had to a mother
She didn't treat you as a mother would
You have no obligation to her. She can reap what she has sown. Remain as you are - make the final decision to never see or speak to her again.
You are not being selfish.
Disengage and ignore.
Also, have you thought about getting some counselling for yourself.
I wouldn't even send a card. Keep yourself separate from these people.
your story is shocking.
Definitely do not go back.
What a horrendous childhood you had and not one bit of it is your fault.
To be frank your grandmother, her husband, your mother all of them are vile, evil people of the highest order of which have conditioned you to feel that you owe them for your existence. You really don't.
You have built yourself a family and a home without them and can I just say you should be tremendously proud of how far you have come. You are still recovering though as anyone would has gone through something that you have and in order to go a bit further with your life is to completely liberate yourself once and for all. No contact with your grandmother or your sister whatsoever, change your number and don't feel guilty about it. You have done nothing wrong. You are a good person and they should be locked up.
One of the reasons you feel anxiety is because of the lack of control, you don't know what's next if you go to them. Take the control back your a grown woman who deserves so much more than them.
One last time - please don't go and don't feel guilty. Read your post back but as a person who you don't know was writing it, what advice would you give them. Good luck live your life your way
You owe that awful woman nothing, nothing, not the steam off a cup of tea.
She abused you as much as her revolting husband. She did not love and care for you.
On your behalf, I hope she suffers and then you go and dance her her grave.
Focus on your husband and children and be happy and at peace (if you possibly can).
You did not deserve this
You do not owe either of them anything
You were the child. It was their duty to protect you. Neither of them deserve your sympathy. Keep your no contact. Keep that wall between you and them strong and give yourself time to heal for yourself and you children.
Op, I just wanted to reiterate what others said. Do not go back. Putting your mental health and well being first is not selfish, it is what your true family need you to do. Your sons, dp, friends all need you to be protected, safe and well.
Your guilt over your grandmother has no foundation. No rational person knowing your story would ever think you have any cause for anxiety or guilt. These are the opinions you need to focus on. Not those of a frankly evil person.
HandbagCrazy I had the counselling in germany which blamed me so I have always been really worried the same would happen here. I am going to talk it through with my dp to see what he thinks.
Thank you for your messages. I only had my partner to talk to about this and he doesn't think it's good for me to go back in contact. We have only been together nearly 5 years but he has protected me and made me feel loved. He would never stop me from going over and I know he wouldn't make me go alone.
I'm just really mixed up and messed up over this. I just went no contact. I didn't tell my grandmother but just changed phone number. I feel guilty about that too but it gave me peace for a while. When I stopped contact I locked everything away again so I guess I have to deal with it now.
I don't think I will ever stop feeling so mixed up about my grandmother. She treated me very badly but she did take me in and in her own way she loved me. She always said I was the daugther she never had.
My mother never loved me. She died and I think she still hated me. I never forgave her for beating and starving me and neglecting my siblings. They are all messed up. I always thought I would be able to forgive my grandmother once her husband died. I wanted to see him buried and gone. I never thought no contact was going to be forever just long enough to wait for him to die.
My whole family is messed up. My grandmother hated her daughter and mistreated her. My mother got pregnant with me at 16 and abondoned me. She hated me the same way her mother hated her. My mother was also abused by family and beaten by my grandmother. It was always made clear to me that I would grow up to be just like my slut mother.
Being so unloved and unlovable has messed me up. I let people walk all over me and I get used quite often. My kids and my partner are the only people that really love me and I hope they always know I love them. The kids have had their moments but I could never let them be hurt. I just don't think I will ever really understand why no one ever loved me enough to protect me.
Thank you again for listening and letting me get this mess out. It hurts but I can't dump this on my dp. He is such a lovely person and he worries for me. I just never liked being a burden to anyone.
The thing is, children shouldn't have to be grateful for being looked after. They're supposed to be looked after, and loved, and kept safe. These horrific people didn't provide you with anything but abuse and pain. You may have had a roof over your head and food to eat, but you were not loved or kept safe. None of that was your fault, and the only reason they tried to convince you it was is because they're evil evil people. Stick to the people who really love you and don't give these disgusting excuses of human beings a second thought.
Your Grandmother did nothing but abuse you, you owe her absolutely nothing. Think of it like this - would you encourage your children to get back in touch with an abuser in the same circumstances? Exactly, you wouldn't. Treat yourself with the same care & close the door on this. All the best to you.
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