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Moving in with a man

(65 Posts)
Summerlovinf Mon 07-Nov-16 15:55:51

I've been seeing a man for a while and all going great. We often stay over at each other's houses, get on well with each other's kids (all teenagers), have been away together and do variety of things together. He's recently asked me if I think we will move in together. Although I enjoy having him stay over, i find it difficult to think about a man moving in. I'm not entirely sure why. I trust him and don't have any major misgivings. Anyone else had similar feelings?

HandyWoman Mon 07-Nov-16 17:43:06

That's a massive thing to consider and must never be done lightly nor should it be rushed.

Listen long and hard to those feelings.

How long is 'a while'

Do the kids get on? Do you have similar parenting styles? What would finances look like?

Absolutely masses to consider...

NotTheFordType Mon 07-Nov-16 17:47:38

There's nothing wrong with saying "Actually I prefer our current set up, we both have the freedom to be individuals but also to spend time together - and I feel it makes our time more special because it's not every day."

I wouldn't want to share a house again with anyone TBH.

Of course if you do feel that way you have to be prepared for him deciding he wants a more traditional set up.

BlueFolly Mon 07-Nov-16 17:49:23

I wouldn't want to live with anybody again. If you're happy, why change things.

ClopySow Mon 07-Nov-16 18:02:39

I'm pretty certain that i'll never live with another grown up again, even when my children move out.

category12 Mon 07-Nov-16 18:04:57

I would keep as you are. I think it's too easy to rush things and then hard to get out. If it ain't broke...?

I also think men generally get more out of cohabiting than women usually (but I have been reading "wifework").

It's nice to enjoy the courting stage and having your own space and independence too. I certainly wouldn't be keen to move to the washing his socks stage.

moonfacebaby Mon 07-Nov-16 18:12:02

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't live with my boyfriend as my exH has put me off ever living with someone again (he was untidy & didn't pull his weight domestically at all).

I like having a relationship but my own space & I'm quite independent. I think you can still have a committed relationship without living together & sometimes, I think it can keep it things fresh - you don't have to deal with differing standards of cleanliness/tidiness & the compromise that goes with it.

HandyWoman Mon 07-Nov-16 18:19:32

Agree on the whole, men get more out of the cohabiting thing than women.

Once you become 'Head of Gruntwork' it rather puts you on a less equal footing and then resentment from you/lack of respect from him starts.... then before you know it you barely recognise each other and it's all become bollox (simplified version there).

My Dad is 70 and doesn't live with his gf of ten years. They are very happy.

There's no rule that says you should move in.

Arfarfanarf Mon 07-Nov-16 18:24:48

If you are hesitant do not do it to please him.
It should be something you are happy about and really want.

You could sit down and talk about it
how the bills will be split. How money will be seen - joint? Seperate? Bit of both? What about wills? Or who owns the property? How about the split of chores? Etc.

dontcallmethatyoucunt Mon 07-Nov-16 18:27:48

God all the compromises. I broke up with my first serious boyfriend after 6 months of living together. My (now DH) lasted a year before we split. He however was willing to engage in living in a shared space like a fucking grownup.

Reading that you'd think I was a total nightmare to live with. Well I am if you expect me to do more than a fair share (with plenty of give and take). I find that men revert to having a 'mum' very easily and don't feel any guilt about being looked after. Women IMO tend to do the caring and the giving and that frankly sucks long term. Not my idea of a team sport.

Can't say I'd be jumping at the chance without laying that all out very clearly.

I also worked with someone years ago who maintained 2 houses for her and her partner. I thought it was strange, back then, but now I think if you can afford it, why not.

Hopefully you can talk like adults about what it might mean, what is might look like. If so, you stand a chance! Good luck

Sleepingonthebus Mon 07-Nov-16 18:30:33

I've been with my DP nearly 8 years and he's moving in early next year. While I'm excited, I'm also quite nervous about it. I haven't lived with anyone for years. Eeeek!

If you're happy as you are, there's no need to live together.

AnyFucker Mon 07-Nov-16 18:32:42

If it ain't broke, don't fix it

Summerlovinf Mon 07-Nov-16 19:23:03

Yes...this man is at least as domesticated as me so I wouldn't worry too much about him pulling his weight. I do enjoy being with him and we get on great..but it's the thought of his stuff here and not having my own place...Why are some men so keen to move in etc? I thought men were 'supposed' to be the ones who avoided commitment. (you know...going by the stereotypes etc)

TheNaze73 Mon 07-Nov-16 19:24:33

I'd hang fire along as you can on this.
If you're not feeling, you most definitely aren't ready.
I think this will be a more common arrangement in the future than it is now. The only thing I would say, is if you think it's never going to happen, you should tell him. I've been accused of stringing people along in the past

Agn61 Mon 07-Nov-16 19:46:08

You do have a choice. Just because he might want to doesn't mean you have to.

Summerlovinf Mon 07-Nov-16 19:46:26

Sleepingonabus - what made you decide to finally move in together?

...The Naze - have you had the same thing happen to you?

HandyWoman Mon 07-Nov-16 20:17:55

OP is this the arse-groper?

TheNaze73 Mon 07-Nov-16 20:27:17

Yes, I've been dumped because of it

Summerlovinf Mon 07-Nov-16 20:27:28

Yes HandyW. It's the same guy. We split up, cancelled holiday (I went on my own) then we've been back together for few months.

Summerlovinf Mon 07-Nov-16 20:28:22

Oh Naze...I guess these guys want something different to you...a woman around the house or something?

AnyFucker Mon 07-Nov-16 20:29:20

What ????

BlueFolly Mon 07-Nov-16 20:35:23

Eh? Does he grope your arse or other people's?

AnyFucker Mon 07-Nov-16 20:36:53

The sex pest fella?


Summerlovinf Mon 07-Nov-16 20:39:03

It was a previous post...he's not done anything else like that and it does seem out of character.

HandyWoman Mon 07-Nov-16 20:58:00

Was there any accountability on his part over it the groping thing? That thread sort of ending with him asking for evidence confused

On another tack, just because a man can fend for himself in a house on his own, doesn't necessarily mean he will when he lives with you. I blame the patriarchy but there we have it. It might be why he is pushing this agenda <ever the cynic about men nowadays>

You've been together 14 months and split up once already. You're nowhere near starting to think about moving in surely. What did you say when he asked about it?

Plus I believe OP was in a previously abusive relationship. In which case slowly, slowly, catchy monkey is vital

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