DH is a complete idiot

[MagikarpetRide]

I'm clearly being reasonable just from the thread title.

I've long since given up on actually asking DH to help with anything that requires some thought process or ownership. If in times of need I've asked him to help me out, he cannot fathom what the hell to do or possibly even why I'm asking. So I've taken to asking him to do particular things so he can't play dumb.

At the moment DD5 and DS4 are really playing us up. They do not listen to anything unless they're hollered at. It's a rut we got stuck in and I'm trying to claw out of. But DH won't do anything that is suggested regarding trying to break out of the shouting cycle. So I asked him today instead to come up with a punishment for when the DCs misbehave that comes from him and he will enforce.

What has he done? He's tried to arrange some counselling sessions for us. He says he got confused about what I meant when I asked him to do something very specific. If he has to do anything more than say 'there there dear' he's not fricking interested.

He's apparently on his way home to talk now. I don't want to talk. I've talked till I'm blue in the face time and time again. Please help me not kill him. Or help me kill him and give me ways to get away with it.

[Namechangepain]

I'll give you an alibi. You've helped me rake up a billion leaves while entertaining a cute puppy.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What is the point of this man at all?

Have you read the Incompetant Husband threads on these pages, I thought of those when I was reading about your husband. Bet he is not that useless at work is he?. Is he the sort that has thought that chores and childcare is purely the job for the woman alone?.

[Simonneilsbeard]

Is it because he knows you just get exasperated and end up doing everything for him? I would literally leave this no-user to his own devices from now on..let him do everything for himself on his own! I couldn't be assed tbh

[Simonneilsbeard]

It's funny how these men are perfectly capable of following instructions in every other aspect of life..it's only when it's something domestic that they get all frank spencer

[MagikarpetRide]

Definitely need to check out the incompetent husbands threads. And yes, clearly he doesn't have this level of moron going on at work .

I have told him I give up now, completely. Which is why he now wants to talk. Gah.

In fairness to him he does pull some weight at home. He does a decent amount of chores and will happily look after the DC. But that's about it. He won't touch a chore that's not 'his' without being asked directly - the floor could have just had mud trampled on it but he wouldn't think of lifting a hoover even if I'm busy elsewhere. He promised multiple times to help declutter his mess, but does nothing and the DC have picked his habits of just putting stuff down anywhere. Any problem with the DC is down to me to solve, effort on his part other than watching and playing with them is too much. He nearly put us into massive debt by not actually looking after the finances, and often has to be nagged to do things I don't have account access too (like checking out the electricity bill is correct).

What do I get from it? At the moment all I can say a roof over my head and occasional breaks from the DC. I'm pretty worn down in general right now, so finding it hard to enthuse about anything like love!

[665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast]

My only practical solution is to force him to engage in the problem.
Say you cannot think of a solution to this problem, explain the problem as briefly and factually as possible, do not elaborate or suggest solutions, then stop talking
and
stay silent
and wait some more,
do not fill in this space! - this space must be filled in by him or you are enabling him to continue as he already does...
so wait some more....no matter how uncomfortable it is
eventually he will suggest something - say "YES - we will / can ...(repeat back to him whatever he said no matter how ridiculous) ", and stop...and wait yet more...
do not enter a discussion
if he asks - "What do you suggest" then you respond you have tried everything you could think of to do on your own - thats why you are stuck - you need some input
and stop.
It feels very very wrong if you are used to doing all the thinking for both of you, or you are uncomfortable with silence - but it is an effective for getting people to engage rather than switch off.
or start a row
but it looks like you are heading that way anyway so worth a punt ?

[KatherineMumsnet]

Hi all,

Just popping in to let you know that we've edited the title of this thread. We know you meant no offence whatsoever, OP, but the 'm' word does upset a few folk understandably so we've edited it out.

[MagikarpetRide]

Hi mumsnet. Many apologies, I had no clue there was anything offensive in that word. every day a lesson!

So dh finally came home and I'm ignoring him like a petulant teenager. I'm massively struck by the irony that until he tried to arrange counselling we didn't seem to need it. Also slightly thankful I'm not angry with the dc anymore.

neighbour oddly that's precisely what I've tried to get him to do with dc! It's my plan for tonight too. If he wants to talk, he can. For tonight at least I'm done.

[Msqueen33]

I have a man like that. He does hoover and wash up at the weekend occasionally and comes out with the kids but that's where it seems to stop.

He keeps an eye on the finances as that's his line of work and he goes to work. He regularly asks me questions such as "what should we do them for lunch?" When he's home of a weekend. It takes all I have not to smack him in the face.

We've got three kids and two have serious Sen but he doesn't really see the need to get involved. He too has a responsible job. I have no suggestions but maybe this is strangers on a train...I'll do yours in if you do mine 😜

[MagikarpetRide]

For all DH wanted to talk he only attempted engaged me twice in conversation yesterday. First was asking whether DS needed some calpol - I don't know you've been with him for the last 40 minutes ffs. Second was asking whether the DC had behaved today to which he got a yes and was peeved because I wasn't going to thank him for rescuing me slightly earlier than normal. I stayed silent the rest of the time and eventually snuck off to bed and watched TV up there for a bit.

This morning has gone different. He asked me what I meant by 'i'm done' and I told him to work it out my message to him had said I've talked to him and he pays no attention so I'm done now. Then later he asked if I wanted a divorce. I told him then that I've been telling him precisely what I want for ages and he decides I mean other things so I am not solving his problems for him.

I'm in a strange place of mad hysteria and complete rage. I do intend to tell him, but only when the opportunity comes up, that its obvious he doesn't behave like that at work so its completely insulting he thinks this is ok with me.

msqueen I think I'm ready to take you up on that offer

[HeddaGarbled]

I think you should go to the counselling.

I don't know the background and you probably are justifiably angry but I don't understand why you are angry about him arranging counselling. That actually seems like a very sensible and proactive move on his part.

[MagikarpetRide]

I'm angry about him attempting to arrange counselling when what I needed for him was to come on board with something that would actively help with our DC. A counselling session in a months time is not going to stop the problems we're having with our DC paying no attention to us me mainly unless I'm actually screaming at them. At the moment I now still have no help with the DC problem and DH who's clearly set his stall out that parenting is my job and he'll get involved as long as he doesn't have to do anything different.

Currently I don't see the merit in counselling with him. He will talk, he will claim to listen then he will walk out of it and do nothing different. This is the pattern he's proven when he's undertaken counselling for other problems he's had.

[Joysmum]

You talk at him, he doesn't understand what you want, you blame him and get annoyed and don't clarify when he asks you to and wants to talk things through. Instead you enter into petulant passive aggressive ignoring rather than telling him you need space to think and will talk tomorrow. He tries a couple of attempts to open dialogue on less heavy subjects and sees you're in one of those moods and best left alone (as you said here you wanted) and yet he's wrong in doing that too...yet you think you don't need counseling?

It's no wonder he won't take on any extra responsibilities without being asked, he does his share but he must be petrified to get things wrong according your opinion, hence asking you about simple decisions such as the Calpol incident.

You sound like hard work as you are even giving out mixed messages on this thread, no matter how clear you think you are.

[pklme]

You sound ever so stressed, Op. possibly why I'm overweight...

Maybe he has a slight communication problem, which intensifies in personal situations because the boundaries are less clear than in a work environment.

I'm a bit controlling, and would freak if DH gave calpol without checking with me, in case I'd already given it.

Could you give him a list of what you want him to do, very clear and specific, and gradually build up to things which need him to exercise judgement?

Also, I had a boss (and a mother) who would ask me to do things, then freak when I didn't do them the way they expected. There is often more than one valid way to do it. I'm learning this the hard way with my DH. I have to 'not look' because i don't like the way he does things.

[pklme]

Would anyone mind whispering the m word by the way? Or spelling it out? Or saying it in French? 'Pas devant les enfants' and all that. Can't work out what it is...

[MagikarpetRide]

joys this isn't my normal mode by any stretch. this is my last ditch attempt to get him to own a problem. The irony here is its a problem of his own creation.

It started years ago with me being in bits, begging him to come up with something to help me when I hit a wall. I got nothing. Eventually I realised so switched to coming up with a solution for him so I would ask nicely if he could try x out as I think it would be helpful. He'd agreed, we'd talk it through then he just wouldn't do it. Now he agrees, we'll talk it through and goes off in tangents claiming he never understood despite being active in the conversation.

I'm stuck on anything else I can practically do with him.

[DoinItFine]

It's almost as if the standard MN advice to "sit him down and have a nice chat" doesn't work with men who think women are for ignoring.

It's fine to be done.

It's fine to no longer be prepared to have these pointless "chats", which are just performances of listening by a man who doesn't think you are worth listening to.

Ignore him. He is pointless. He has deliberately made himself so.

What do you want in your own life?

How do you get there?

Sit down for a chat, but with a friend. Someone who respects you and listens to you.

Make your own plan.

[MagikarpetRide]

pkl Its a favourite word of Judge Rinder if that helps.

Possibly he does have a communication issue, perhaps we both do. I don't ever just blow up at him over anything. I always start with the slow approach. I think he's been conditioned by his DPs to just wait until someone else solves his problems which they normally do by throwing money at it.

We had an almost split a while back. He did the claiming he didn't understand thing then. So I did resort to a list of things I needed from him (these were all simple like staying on top of the finances or letting me do it, not you need to shower me with love and affection to a level I feel appropriate type stuff). Can you guess what's happened? He did enough of the list to get back into my good books then disregarded the rest or didn't carry on with things.

The thing is I wouldn't mind if he tried to do things (without threat of divorce) and cocked them up or did them differently - he doesn't even try anything other than lip service.

Clearly I'm the idiot.

[Joysmum]

Maybe he feels the same so him taking the initiative to sort out the counselling was actually a good idea, even though it wasn't what you had in mind?

Sounds to me like you e reached the stage where he can't do right for doing wrong.

[DoofusMcXmas1]

The word is 'moron' I think pklme

OP I have a DP who is like this, not all the time thankfully, and it drives me nuts! I find it difficult trying to figure out if it's total stupidity or sheer thoughtlessness. Example - I go to uni on a Wednesday so DP takes DS to school. One particular Weds he wanted to go for a bike ride with a friend and asked if I could be late to uni so I could take DS to school. He was going riding in the woods next to the school. He just couldn't fathom why I told him to piss off (this was after several, rather nice, 'no, don't be ridiculous' answers until I got pissed off!) and even went as far as saying that he was going to cancel the ride as he wouldn't be able to meet said friend on time so it's pointless (I offered to phone his friend and cancel on his behalf.....I'd lost all patience by this point)

I guess my point is, you're not alone! for you.

[DoinItFine]

Sounds to me like he can't be arsed to think about what is right and what is wrong, because that is women's work.

He will just to pointless gestures if he thinks he might lose his domestic laboyr device which runs on "chats" and pretending to listen to things that are beneath you.

[Oblomov16]

It sounds like you are dealing with a
Child or an idiot.

Buy milk.
I bought bread. I thought you said bread.

Punishment for children.
I've arranged counselling for us.

Give him lists. Lists of things. Do you have the list? Do you understand? Tell me what you are going to do? By when?

(Sounds like a year 1 teacher)

How do you stand it? It would be too much for me.

[MrsBluesky1]

Have you tried asking him if he thinks your relationship will benefit from some counseling? As it appears to be all about what you think...

[OrlandaFuriosa]

Um, does he have processing difficulties? Eg dyslexia or ASD? A lot of what you are describing sounds a bit like that.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

magi,

If you have not already read the "incompetent husband" thread do so.

re your comment:-
"I think he's been conditioned by his DPs to just wait until someone else solves his problems which they normally do by throwing money at it".

That is partly why he is the ways he is; its deliberate incompetence on his part so you take up the slack. He is not like this at work is he?. I doubt very much as well whether he has a problem with communication; again he can express himself at work well enough.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did your parents teach you?.

If you go to counselling go on your own also to work out why you have put up with this from him to date.