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(22 Posts)
Namechangepain Mon 07-Nov-16 14:11:30

Dh had an affair. Went on for over a year the relationship but was mainly talking on line, saw each other three times, had sex five times then he finished it. She called him for months, he ignored.

I'm more than six months on from him telling me.

Right now I've stayed.

I have depression as a result of his affair but have had it before so not all his fault I've got it again but you know, mainly. The last few days I've been unable to face eating unless he's here.

I still love him. I know he's sorry. I understand how it happened. We have been going through utter hell and it wasn't his or my fault but partly his reason for it was caused by me.

It's all irrelevant to the help I need. Please just help me with how long until I feel better?

I love him, he loves me, I'm not leaving yet, I don't want him to move out at the moment. What can I do to help myself.

Somerville Mon 07-Nov-16 14:53:40

Counselling, alone or together?

Sorry you're going through this. flowers

Namechangepain Mon 07-Nov-16 14:59:45

Thank you flowers.

He said he'd look for counselling but hasn't told me he's found anyone. Work is hectic so lack of time I guess and just getting through the day is a struggle for me without remembering to remind him.

OohhThatsMe Mon 07-Nov-16 15:01:26

What's he doing to help you recover from this, OP?

Bluntness100 Mon 07-Nov-16 15:02:47

Why is the reason caused by uou? Unless you were also having an affair, or had kicked him out, I am unsure how that's true.

Namechangepain Mon 07-Nov-16 15:30:25

He's being attentive. Helping out more around the house. Answering my questions every time. Whenever I say I wonder if he should go he offers too immediately.

He's thought I was still pining for an ex. The ex and I have talked a bit over the years and I've told dh immediately that the first message was received. He was my first love and very important to me as my parents abandoned me and I've had a horrible childhood. I love dh and would chose him over anyone.

We were going through a very difficult time. Legal stuff. A lot of money spent. Very hard to relive.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 07-Nov-16 15:37:49

Have you had any space on your own to get your head around everything without him in your space?
Do you have kids together?

Yours is the path I did not choose.
And I believe it's the longer and more painful path to take.
It takes a lot of time, patience and understanding to get to the point where you are 'better'.

I couldn't do it. I knew I couldn't.
You don't have to either.
It's been 6 months and you still haven't had counselling?
That's not OK.
You will both need this to move forward.

If it's not working for you though and your mental health is suffering then I think you know what you need to do.
No 'man' is worth that sacrifice.

Namechangepain Mon 07-Nov-16 15:57:50

I've had no space really. He told me slowly and I panicked a bit as thought he was going to leave me for her but mainly because DS1 was poorly and he was a wreck. He being dh.

We have a few kids together.

We've discussed counselling but I've been resistant. I'm waiting counselling for childhood abuse and it looks like I've got PTSD plus I'm medically not very well so one more doctor felt too much. I am open to it now.

We had a horrible talk both days of the weekend and we do make progress but the pain is still there, I still have questions or ask the same ones repeatedly, and he still feels he had a reason for it though never tires to justify it.

I've made him feel small.

Well he's made me feel cheap.

I think I've been more broken that I realised and it has taken me decades to realise things. I can't spend years in this pain.

He has been an incredible husband. We've been through much more than our fair share of bad times. He had a lot of credit..

Namechangepain Mon 07-Nov-16 16:03:15

I should have explained it better. They had been talking for a long time before the messages weren't friendship anymore and it was over a year before they met. Their three meetings were within a couple of weeks and then for dh it was over. She doesn't live in the same country.

Lotsofponies Mon 07-Nov-16 16:26:37

I think you need counselling, both of you. In the meantime have you tried reading any self help books, Shirley Galloway, Not Just Friends is very good. By partner had a ONS 2 years ago, it took 12 months to start feeling better, even then we had bad periods when it all came rushing back, but those episodes get fewer and less painful. 2 years on and we are nearly there.

Just remember that whilst you may have a shared responsibility for problems in your relationship, his infidelity is 100% his doing. I don't think you will be able you get past this until he recognises and takes responsibility for this. Keep strong and keep posting when you feel down.

Lotsofponies Mon 07-Nov-16 16:28:09

Shirley Glass that should say☺

hellsbellsmelons Mon 07-Nov-16 16:36:07

It seems you have been through a lot and have an awful lot to deal with.
I would start with your childhood issues and PTSD and take it from there.
Your DH should have counselling though. He will need to support you through all of this and I doubt it's going to be easy.

adora1 Mon 07-Nov-16 16:58:37

100% his blame for being a cheat OP, no matter how bad or awful the relationship was, it's never a reason, always an excuse, he's lied and slept with OW for over a year, it's all down to him to make it up to you, stop taking the blame for his bad choices.

You should have your own counselling imo.

Namechangepain Mon 07-Nov-16 17:06:24

I haven't read any books. Dh bought two and has read part of them but didn't find them helpful. We both know why he did it so don't really need the help with that confused. He does accept it's 100% his fault.

I am doing whatever it takes to help me with anything I need help with and paying for private when necessary.

He has been amazing at supporting me through everything so I'm hopeful he will carry on being so.

He hadn't slept with her for over a year. If he had he'd be divorced now.
They talked for a few months. Then flirted for half the time again. Then met and had sex then met twice more and had sex twice more over a period of eight days. I'm not defending him but I can't allow wrong facts to be advised on.

Somerville Mon 07-Nov-16 18:37:22

Is the ptsd from his affair or from other stuff?

Namechangepain Mon 07-Nov-16 19:12:32

Other stuff. The reason for the legal costs.

Somerville Mon 07-Nov-16 20:29:55

I think hellsbells might be right then and starting with counselling for the abuse and ptsd might be best.
I think it must be very hard to feel your way with the situation with your DH when you were already traumatised and hurting.

Namechangepain Mon 07-Nov-16 20:34:11

I am waiting for the counselling. I'm having acupuncture which helps in various ways. Always feel I have to justify that.

Dh has ordered the Shirley Glass book.

Namechangepain Wed 09-Nov-16 19:43:57

The Shirley book has arrived I think. Parcel not yet opened by dh as kids about. Is it for him to read or me?

Somerville Wed 09-Nov-16 20:36:04

Why don't you have a flick through and see if it looks like to could be helpful either way. flowers

Yourarejokingme Wed 09-Nov-16 20:53:08

You do know he could of went and got his own counselling 6 months ago and chose not too. Have you asked him why?
Does he answer your questions right away or falters.
What has he told you of the affair
How did you find out
Plus this is him to blame for the infidelity 100% he has the making up to do not you so don't shift blame to yourself ever.

My ex had an affair but I took him back. He became a master of lies and manipulation and if I asked questions he'd go enough already. He repeatedly had affairs over the years but I had no proof so one day I had enough and threw him out. The women came out the wood work after that to my disgust as they where meant to be my friends. Some of them, Best friend also whom got her nose broken.

He has broken your trust and that takes time to build again if ever.

Namechangepain Thu 10-Nov-16 17:37:36

Dh has read ten pages in his tiny lunch break and says it's more helpful than the other two books he has bought, so thank you for the recommendation.

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