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Where do I turn

(12 Posts)
Jadetreesbringluck Mon 07-Nov-16 14:03:22

Just last night I was sitting on the couch thinking I am so alone. I have a husband and loads of brilliant friends but I cant go to any of them to talk about how I am feeling. Normally I would talk to my husband - but I cant in this instance as we are going through some difficulties at the moment. The thing is there are some problems in our relationship, we are working through them. We have just started counselling. He is very open to getting help and I know that he loves me to pieces. I can discuss the individual issues with him, I can discuss them with the counsellor. What I cant discuss is the knot in my stomach - the thing is I don't know if I am in love with my husband, I cant say that out loud to ANYONE.

But.... is that the truth or am I expecting too much from my marriage? I am expecting too much from life? I am overwhelmed at the minute and there are lots of outside pressures. I have lots of baggage from my childhood, dealing with abusive and alcoholic father. I feel so confused - I am petrified that I have made wrong choices, that my history is discolouring everything. On one hand I know my husband would do anything for me. I know I have a good life, I know I love my kids, my family, my friends. Sometimes I read about abusive relationships (I don't know why I do this) looking for signs - as if the internet can give me direction. The thing is when I am ticking these points to me being the 'abuser'.

I can treat my husband with contempt. I find it very difficult to admit I am wrong or back down in an argument. I find it especially difficult to apologise. My husband is really good at talking and will always apologise for any wrong doing. If we argue he will stick to the point - I will drag up the past.

I know this is probably too much to post here and I am scared. But I saw a post and thought - here is a safe place? Husband thinks I may be depressed. Maybe I am but maybe its the situation, or my past or what ever. Where do I go from here?

Chimpfield Mon 07-Nov-16 14:14:05

flowers for you - this could have been me writing this last year. I was suffering severe depression and could not see a way forward as I felt suffocated from the pressure of all my issues and problems. For me it was only after getting help and the right medications that I began to feel anything other than despair and anger, take some time for you and have a chat with your GP. It can and will get better, and then you can start making clear decisions about your future - best wishes

Jadetreesbringluck Mon 07-Nov-16 15:40:29

Thanks for the reply chimp. I don't feel depressed though? I am stressed but who isn't? Did your relationship with your dh improve? How did you know you were depressed and not just unhappy with the situation? I just feel so confused. The thoughts of leaving my dh leave me cold. On the other hand, it would be so easy to blame him/leave and start again, although I do have form for that. I also haven't had any other long term relationships that were good or healthy and have never been in love before so am not sure if I am with dh just because I feel into it? If you get me?

misscph1973 Mon 07-Nov-16 15:54:36

Could it be anxiety? Maybe you are over thinking the whole thing? My mind goes crazy if I don't get exercise, fresh air and enough sleep. How is your physical health? It does affect your mental health.

Jadetreesbringluck Mon 07-Nov-16 16:01:25

That's an interesting point of view. I didn't think of that, although I have not been looking after myself, eating rubbish, no exercise, sleeping grand but constantly tired. I just don't feel I have the head space for anything for myself. This is going to sound so stupid - but how will I know if I have anxiety? I am really concerned that I want to put a label on it - get some meds. Rather than dealing with the issue? What is its a simple as I don't love my husband? How can I follow my heart or my gut when its shouting different points of view at me?

Jadetreesbringluck Mon 07-Nov-16 16:16:21

I suppose apart from that I do worry constantly about my career, where I should live, if I could do better, be better. How will I know if its down to depression/anxiety or is just me? Maybe there are things I need to change but maybe I need to concentrate more on changing my feelings rather than my situation?

Guiltypleasures001 Mon 07-Nov-16 18:16:17

Hi jade

Sorry your feeling this way

From your post you mention how bad things were with your abusive Dad, sometimes being emotionally and or physically attacked at a young age, can cause us to be on the defensive all the time, this can lead to us attacking first asking questions later, when we start to form adult relationships Does this sound familiar? If so I would ask the counsellor about the possibility of you having some form of PTSD.

There is a way to combat this. But it might be better if you have individual counselling to talk it through, the I don't know if I love my husband bit could be two things.

You don't love him or, your pushing him away because you may feel deep,down he's either going to leave you anyway, or you dont deserve him. Your attacking stance could be an unconscious test to see how much he will take before snapping and attacking you or leaving, if he attacks your on known territory because of your dad and its familiar, you already know what's coming sort of thing.

If he leaves. Well I told you so I'm worthless he never loved me like my Dad didn't

I'll stop waffling now hope you get it sorted soon lovely flowers

misscph1973 Mon 07-Nov-16 19:46:38

I think there are basic online tests for anxiety/depression, google it.

You do sound like you are very confused. How old are you? Do you feel that you are going through a phase/a period of change? Lots of decisions to be made and you are not sure how?

Have you ever tried meditating? Read up on mindfulness. There is an app called Headspace. Perhaps try some yoga (youtube is your friend, Ester Eckhart is a favourite of mine), it's a great way to get out of your head and into your body, give your mind a rest.

I also think the from what you say that eating well, getting fresh air and sleeping could make a real difference for you.

Jadetreesbringluck Tue 08-Nov-16 13:47:13

Thanks everyone for your comments. I have found them very helpful. To answer a few questions - I am in my late 30's and yes I am at a bit of a stalemate with regards to all things in my life. I am trying to make changes so I have better opportunities in the future but think really that I have taken too much on! (Which is very like me, but maybe I need to learn that I cant do everything, I am only one person).

Guilty - your post made me cry! I think you made some very valid points, I think that the older my children get the more I worry about my parenting. I am so afraid of making the same mistakes or my children ever feeling as bad as I did as a child. I think I need to address those issues with a professional. Even deciding that has made my heart a little lighter.

On another positive - I was on skype with my husband last night (he is working away this week) and I realised something.......I was genuinely happy and warmed when I saw it was him calling. We had a lovely gentle conversation and yesterday when I received a knock back from a job application he was the first person I wanted to call. His reaction was to tell me that it was their loss, I was too good for them. To think he can comfort me and be so kind even after I have been a complete bitch to him at the weekend, warms me too.

I also remembered something else- when I see him come in the door home after work or meet him somewhere else, I genuinely feel happy. I think our issues are coming from bad communication rather than any love lost - and I am so grateful to be able to see that now.

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 08-Nov-16 14:37:11

Hi Jade

Sorry for the tears, but I think maybe they needed to be cried wink, you sound like your juggling a lot of balls at the moment, which makes me think your trying to keep in control of everything, but the balls are dropping because your attention is all over the place.

When balls do drop, it might feel to you it's because your not good enough, rather than your stretching yourself too thin, and not needing to take on so much. You don't need to prove your good enough lovely, the person your trying to gain the approval of ie your Dad isn't able to provide that, he has/had his own demons.

Somehow you need to look at trusting your decisions and instincts, when I imagine they were in fight or flight mode for so many years, and probably still are. Being in this panic mode constantly is very draining and unnatural to your system, a good counsellor will be able to help you re set your brain/switch and help you deal with problems and anxiety in a more stable and helpful way.

As regards your dc, they learn how to cope with life's problems through parents and family, you can't control what happens to them no matter how hard you may try. They have to learn the hard and healthy way, I'm sure you don't want them to cope with things, they way you are now sad

I'm really pleased you feel slightly lighter, you have a good self awareness, this will go a long way in therapy, as it can be a brilliant help to you in your therapeutic journey.

Sosidges Tue 08-Nov-16 14:52:45

I think your post will strike a chord with a lot of people. It is hard to shake off the feeling that you are bad/unloveable, when that is the message you have received through your childhood.

Having a great husband, kids and friends can make you wonder, 'Why'. Why have I got this. Why can't I value this. Why can't I love them all unreservedly when I know they are such good people. The reason is because there is something deep within you that is making you doubt your own worth.

It is impossible to explain your feelings to someone who has not had the same experiences. My advice would be to see a counsellor to deal with your childhood abuse. Someone who can tell you that the reason Why you have a good husband, kids and friends is because you are a good person. You are a person who deserves to be loved, deserves to be admired, because, despite, your childhood you have made a new life for yourself.

My biggest fear was that I would treat my kids in the way I was treated. I did not have a role model for a good mum and therefore I would fail. That they would hate me. This caused a lifetime of anxiety. Then one day my kids told me something that completely changed how I looked at life.

You have taken the first step, by posting here. Now you need to be a little bit selfish and get help. I wish you well.

misscph1973 Wed 09-Nov-16 12:10:01

OP, I am in my early 40s, and I have been going through massive midlife crisis/perimenopause/stress in the last 2 years. I have learned that stress hormones (cortisol) made my PMS really bad. When is was worst, it was like I had PMS all the time, I didn't sleep well, I was aggressive, depressed, anxious etc. I started to question a lot of things in my life, including my DH and my own parenting abilities. I am wondering if this sounds familiar?

(I am better now, but it still doesn't take much to tip the balance)

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