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Ashamed to say....

(118 Posts)
MsBearL26 Mon 07-Nov-16 12:42:52

On Saturday I hit my partner, and his son who's 18 heard what went on as he was in the house upstairs. We had fallen out whilst out drinking (root of many evils I guess) and he called me a catalogue of vile names which he knew would rile me. His past 2 exs have cheated on him and I guess he's wary of women, but after 2 years with me I thought he had more trust in me. He ended up screaming at me calling me a slag continuously, even though I never have and never would cheat. I locked myself in bathroom n he kicked door in. Then called me that name again and again til I snapped. Now I feel incredibly disappointed in myself and his son won't talk to me. I just don't know what to do apart from cut back/give up drinking so I'm more in control. Just looks like it's all my fault but after hours of name calling and criticism me myself and my family I just lost it. I'm 44 and have never behaved like this and just feel so sad and ashamed.

pictish Mon 07-Nov-16 12:45:48

He kicked the bathroom door in to repeatedly call you a slag?
There is no shame in losing it at that point.

GiveMeRitz Mon 07-Nov-16 12:49:38

I'd say self defence at that point.

This is a bad relationship.

He will never trust you; this fight will happen again and again, and if he's happy to kick in a door now what will happen next time?

There is nothing here to fix, you need to get out.

Simonneilsbeard Mon 07-Nov-16 12:50:09

The thing to do here is end the toxic relationship you are in.
I couldn't get past someone bursting a door in and repeatedly calling me a slag..there's no way over that and there's no excuse for it. Completely unacceptable! Yes you lashed out and while I'm certainly not condoning it I fully appreciate why it happened in those circumstances.

clumsyduck Mon 07-Nov-16 12:52:52

Am sure People will come along to say it's unacceptable to hit / imagine if this was the other way round etc etc but seriously kicking the door in an screaming slag at you is hardly calm behaviour is it . He sounds aggressive and controlling , like he pushed you to your limit knowing he could then sit back and be mad at you for hitting him an let you look like the bad guy

In all honestly if dp called me a slag it would be over ! To bad he got cheated on in the past but why should you pay for someone else's poor choices ???

MsBearL26 Mon 07-Nov-16 12:52:52

Yes he seems very clever at it tbh. Pushes me verbally. He's already fallen out with my 20 year old daughter whilst we were on holiday because she met a guy and he as good as called her a slag too. Told her to 'get on with bringing your fellas back!' when she'd actually had her 18 year old brother out with them too and the guy slept if the sofa in their apartment. I'm just worried I'm shouldering all the blame I guess and he's convinced he did nothing wrong. Although I know it's no excuse to hit out

bluecashmere Mon 07-Nov-16 12:53:44

And does he in any way feel bad for the name calling and kicking the door in? Would you have hit him if he'd stayed on the other side of the door. I'm not condoning what you did but do not take all the blame for this.

I don't think this sounds like a great relationship.

ageingrunner Mon 07-Nov-16 12:54:58

Erm he sounds like a complete arsehole? Get rid!

MsBearL26 Mon 07-Nov-16 12:56:07

He hasn't even apologised for his behaviour but told me I need help sad

bluecashmere Mon 07-Nov-16 12:56:13

If he has a track record for this don't expect anything more of him and don't expect it to change.

ageingrunner Mon 07-Nov-16 12:57:06

My ex used to call me a slag. It's a word that really really hurts for some reason. The worst bit was that he knew that someone else had often called it me and his upset i felt, but he still did it. I should have left him then but I ended up being with him for 10 years sad

timelytess Mon 07-Nov-16 12:57:15

You need to finish with him, sharpish. He's abusive.

MsBearL26 Mon 07-Nov-16 12:57:29

I really appreciate your honest responses. Feel so down and lonely as I'm too ashamed to tell my friends. We are supposed to be getting married in just over a year too.

bluecashmere Mon 07-Nov-16 12:57:48

This is gaslighting. Please don't put up with it.

ageingrunner Mon 07-Nov-16 12:58:22

Should be 'how upset I felt'
In fact not just upset, more humiliated and full of impotent rage. Bastard.

Horsegirl1 Mon 07-Nov-16 12:58:24

This is a toxic dangerous relationship. I'd get out now

ageingrunner Mon 07-Nov-16 12:59:03

It's him who should be ashamed. Please don't marry him

clumsyduck Mon 07-Nov-16 12:59:24

If he doesn't thing he has anything to apologise for after calling you a slag for no reason and kicking in a door then seriously you will never win with this guy . My ex was like this everything was my fault.

ElspethFlashman Mon 07-Nov-16 13:01:22

2 years? Just 2 years and you're reduced to this??

How horrendous for both your kids.

Eolian Mon 07-Nov-16 13:03:28

Whatever the rights and wrongs of your reaction, there's no way I'd be staying with a man who had that attitude to women. Let me guess - if it were a son of yours who'd met a girl on holiday, that would be fine, right? Any man who calls a woman a slag is a sexist arsehole. LTB.

IreallyKNOWiamright Mon 07-Nov-16 13:04:46

If he won't apologise I think you should tell him you need some space. People who love each other admit their faults and make things work. He sounds like an arse.

TheWoodlander Mon 07-Nov-16 13:06:30

Leave him.

Haffdonga Mon 07-Nov-16 13:06:33

You both sound out of control. You need to get out of this relationship and work on yourself, starting with the drinking. He sounds dangerous.

Seriously, marriage would only make things worse.

gratesnakes Mon 07-Nov-16 13:08:26

This is a bad relationship. Please end it. I feel very sorry for his son and your daughter to have to witness that sort of fight.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 07-Nov-16 13:09:21

Please get in touch with Womens Aid and enrol on their Freedom Programme.
I've no doubt there are many other abusive traits you have 'missed' or minimised or ignored.
Womens Aid can help you see this for what it is.
Get out. Fast, run and don't look back.
This will be your life if you marry this vile man.

What's the housing situation?
Is it his house? Yours? Rented?
Please leave. This will never ever improve.
He's taking no responsibility for starting it, and continuing it and then kicking in a door! FFS!!!
See sense and get away.

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