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I was groped

(19 Posts)
Ifeelworthless Mon 07-Nov-16 05:52:37

Well that's it. Appox years ago. I was at s party with my husband. there was quite a bit of booze. our good make friend grabbed me from behind by the vagina and breasts and went into great detail telling me what he does with his girlfriend. I tried to get away and said we should get back to ouf partners and he said that my husband was trying it on with his girlfriend as we speak... I didn't tell my husband for a good while afterwards. However when I did i couldn't have felt worse. He minimized the event.he excused it due to drunk etc. He actually made it worse for me. My husband didn't care. So today many years later I feel so betrayed, so unimportant. I don't know if I'm exaggerating or wrong for feeling this way. My husband wants to ' schedule' a time to talk about it, i feel reallly that that ship has sailed. I feel betrayed he wasn't angry about the incident when I first told him. I cannot forgive my husband. I feel his reaction is more harmful than the gropping but I'm so confused maybe I'm overreacting like he says. Please help me understand.

Ifeelworthless Mon 07-Nov-16 05:55:57

I need to add that my husband counts this person as a good friend. He speaks with him regularly. I hVe buried my feelings for a long time but for the last 4 weeks or do I refuse to share s bed with my husband and he still chats to this man like he's his best friend.

redexpat Mon 07-Nov-16 05:57:36

You are not overreacting to either event. I dont know what else to say. Have you had any counselling to try to deal with it?

Scrumptiousbears Mon 07-Nov-16 06:01:28

My advice is counselling initially. However whilst he may have been dismissive of it years ago you need to give him the opportunity to hear you out again so you can calmly explain to him how you feel. Counselling may help you do this.

MiMiMaguire Mon 07-Nov-16 06:03:58

Wait, was your husband trying it on with the girlfriend ? Was this some attempt at a wife swap from.both men ??

Ifeelworthless Mon 07-Nov-16 06:05:08

No, but I feel like I could have gotten over the original incident if my husband had expressed anger on my behalf. Then I would have felt like I was important and loved but I'm not and that's what's truly destructive. Nobody that knows me would think my husband was capable of being so cold.

Ifeelworthless Mon 07-Nov-16 06:06:19

No he definitely claims that that wasn't the case MiMi

MiMiMaguire Mon 07-Nov-16 06:19:03

Do you believe him ? Have you asked the other girl ? This guy sexually assaulted you and told you your husband was trying it on with someone else. So this guy assaults his wif and accuses him of trying it on with his own girlfriend and thus trying to cheat on you and your husband isn't absolutely outraged ??? Sorry I don't want to seem harsh but something isn't right here.
Your husband just chats away to this pig despite knowing this, that's not normal.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 07-Nov-16 06:23:52

I don't know if I'm exaggerating or wrong for feeling this way

You are certainly NOT "exaggerating" nor are you "wrong"! for feeling the way you do.

You were sexually assaulted by a not very "good male friend" at a party that you attended with your h. Your h's response to this shocking incident was hurtful in the extreme and it's not surprising you feel that he didn't care for you as he let you down when you were in dire need of comfort and validation.

By minimising your ordeal your h made you feel unimportant and for you to discover that you couldn't rely on him to protect, comfort, or stand united with you may have been as much of a shock as the moment your assailant laid hands on you.

Has your h done anything during the intervening years to redeem himself? Did he realise the error of his ways and has he endeavoured to make you feel loved, cherished, and valued? Or has this continued to be a sore point that has come to the surface time and again without resolution?

Did your h ever confront the friend in question and, at the very least, warn him off makingany further attempt to molest you, or has he continued to be friends with him?

goddessofsmallthings Mon 07-Nov-16 06:33:11

Cross-posted

Your h's attitude sucks and it beggars belief that he continues to regard this pathetic excuse for a man as a "good friend

I suggest you agree a time to revisit this incident again; tell your h what you've said here, listen to his response, and tell him that you want out of the marriage if he can't find the words, or ways, to persuade you that you mean infinitely more to him than the despicable creature who sexually assaulted you.

Ifeelworthless Mon 07-Nov-16 06:35:58

After being questioned by
Friend as to why I didn't like home, dh told him but he claimed he didn't remember the incident. Then they resumed their normal friendship and I did too to a certain but more reserved extent.but recently itscome yo the surface again.immore upset than ever. However I'm
More angry with my husband than anyone else. He does not understand at all.he feels like there's no reason to be so upset.i need to schedule a specific time to discuss the matter with him.i feel like I shouldn't need a specific time as it should have been sorted years ago. I feel like had something similar had happened to him I would have supported him without question. The bottom line ixinmy opinionisthat he doesn't love me but he says that's not he case but I think he actions speak louder.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 07-Nov-16 06:49:29

May I ask why you also chose to continue your friendship with this lowlife, albeit to a "more reserved extent"?

Do you think it's possible that you may have given your h some mixed messages because of your willingness to continue your association with his "good friend"?

Is it possible that your h is an abject coward was fearful of taking this man to task because he may have been lamped in the process?

Ifeelworthless Mon 07-Nov-16 07:07:14

I suppose I continued the friendship because I'm friends with his girlfriend too. I also took along time to tell my husband. I suppose I minimized it in my own mind. My h continued the friendship and still does although he has 'spoken' to friend about same and apparently he's sorry but I never heard anything from him. I must really be a fool because I chose to still see them and their family. I don't know how to stop now. His girlfriend doesn't know and my h doesn't care. I thought I was over the whole thing until recently.i had buried it in my mind. My h was justifying something else friend had said/done against me and something just triggered my brain.i have said some awful things Tommy h really hurtful. But I'm not sorry, I feel like I was pushed into a corner. I know this is not healthy but I cannot leave for the moment. But if I can accept that I'm not wrong to feel the way I do them I can live with it. My h tells me that I'm exaggerating, should be over it, haven't broached the subject appropriately etc so I'm doubting myself.

whattodowiththepoo Mon 07-Nov-16 07:43:28

What has the "friend" said or done now?

Your husband should have been much more supportive, is it possible he is mixing up the issues with whatever has been said now and that's why he wants to schedule a time to talk?

mummyto2monkeys Mon 07-Nov-16 08:04:04

I think your h is completely oblivious to just how terrifying and invasive that was for you. I remember walking up stairs in a nightclub when I was nineteen, some pervert put his hand up into my underwear and molested me, he was walking behind me on the stairs. The shock was awful, I felt sick and pushed his hand away and turned right round and screamed at him. Only to be told 'I asked for it by wearing a short skirt'. I was really upset, to the point that my friends brother got two bouncers and they removed this guy from the club. Looking back, I am angry that I didn't call the police. Thinking back to that night I still feel vulnerable and sick, I was a virgin at that point and to have that creep touch me intimately made my skin crawl. I never wore that skirt again and I stopped wearing short skirts, I was terrified that what he had said was true. With the benefit of age I realise that I should have been able to walk about naked without being sexually assaulted. Yet at the time I believed it was my fault for dressing immodestly, the guilt ate at me. When I met my dh he asked why I had these lovely short skirts but wouldn't wear them. I told him what happened and he was so angry at the man who had molested me. He reassured me that it was not my fault and that I shouldn't let one pervert stop me from wearing what I wanted. I did wear short skirts but only when my dh was with me and I was very self conscious, my dh would always walk behind me on stairs when we were out.

I can't imagine how hurt I would have been if dh had rubbished what happened. He was so angry at how vulnerable one creep had made me feel and spent time trying to help me feel confident again. I had other men say repulsive (sexual) things about me within my dh's earshot and my lovely dh looked so angry, I actually think he would have fought for me right there, if I hadn't pulled him away. If you knew my dh you would be shocked he is incredibly gentle and loving but I know how furious he was and he would have fought. Your dh should be angry at his 'friend', he should be furious that you were treated that way! That he isn't makes me wonder if there was some truth in what his friend said. Or has he behaved like that towards other woman when they have been on 'lads nights out'? Do you have children op? Would your dh be happy for his pervert friend to molest his daughter that way?

Bluntness100 Mon 07-Nov-16 08:09:48

I agree this is awful, but can I ask how many years ago are we talking? I can maybe see the confusion uour husband may feel, not only did you not mention it at the time, or for many years after, uou continued to happily socialise with them. It's now such a big deal you are sleeping in seperate rooms.

is there maybe something else at play here?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Mon 07-Nov-16 08:32:12

DW was groped at a party by my boss, and she kneed him in the balls. This was to keep me from breaking a chair over his head if she told me. We were all very very drunk, and in fact the final mass punchup started shortly afterwards. She told me 20 years later, after Boss had had a well publicised bout of cancer. I wasn't dangerous by then either, so the matter's closed.

However, OP shouldn't feel shame for freezing, nor for delaying. Her husband, on the other hand...the spineless, contemptible weasel.

Ifeelworthless Mon 07-Nov-16 13:02:35

Bluntness100, It happened 5 years ago. I told my husband a few months later. It was husband's initial reaction that has hurt me deeply. I was very upset about it at the time. However I managed to bury that hurt. But recently during a discussion over something else which sort of showed how this person sometimes belittles me, my husband argued against me again and it has just brought the whole original hurt to fore. I really don't know if I'm overreacting especially as you say the time lapse and the fact that i have continued to see this person over the years ( not that much as we have moved far away) He is still with the girlfriend and i have never mentioned anything to her. I thought about counselling for both my husband and myself but I suppose what I really want is for my husband to see how badly he responded to me in the first place, accept responsibility and really apologise to me. On the other hand I think no, he didn't care enough back then to even get upset about it so how could he care about me. Thanks to all who responded, at least I'm beginning to feel less mad.

flapjackfairy Tue 08-Nov-16 22:00:08

You are not mad ! He let you down big style and has now sided with his friend against you for s second time. No wonder you are upset.
Insist on counselling with an independant person so that you can explain how you feel and get him to respond,only then will you know if you can get past this imo.
Do not minimise how you feel. You are in the right here.

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