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Insecure men, red flags?

(103 Posts)
J0kersSmile Sun 06-Nov-16 21:29:55

Slightly gutted to be posting this. I thought I had found a really nice man to get to know but he's really insecure and it's putting me off.

He wants reassurance everytime we speak and text that I like him and miss him. It's bugging me now. I've told him I like him we're dating, we're sleeping together (sex is great) but he really wants more quickly and he's now getting insecure.

I was really attracted to him, really liked that he had a busy life with friends and the gym, we had a spark but I really don't want to have to reassure someone that just because we haven't spoke for a few hours that I'm not off with him.

This is a red flag isn't it? He also told me he gets jealous the last time I saw him. sad jealousy is normal to an extent I suppose and so is insecurity and I could be over reacting as I have been with a few Dickheads before and he's so nice apart from this. Flowers, meals, thoughtful stuff ect. I really liked him.

Can you help someone over their insecurities? I don't particularly want a project but everything else is great apart from this. He will put me off if it carries on anymore though.

TurnipCake Sun 06-Nov-16 21:32:46

I really don't want to have to reassure someone that just because we haven't spoke for a few hours that I'm not off with him

Good God, no you don't, insecurity like that is deeply unattractive.

He will only get better by addressing the problem himself, you externally, alone, cannot do that.

AnyFucker Sun 06-Nov-16 21:33:44

He is a project

he is expecting you to micro manage his insecurities

he has told you what he is like


LubiLooLoo Sun 06-Nov-16 21:36:54

I think you need to talk to him and see where the insecurity is coming from.

There may be a really just reason for it and he may need a little support. But in this case you have to set some guides you both stick to to re assure each other. I had a bit of a bad start with an ex partner, and we always had a "text as we got home" rule so when either of us was out, the other would know when they were home safe and sound. I don't know if this is healthy but it worked for us for a number of years.

The other problem is he could use this jealousy to truly control you. Which is obviously abusive and disrespectful! In which case stay well clear!

I think communication and then careful judgement is needed here! Good luck!

Dieu Sun 06-Nov-16 21:53:00

The thing I find off-putting with someone like that, is that they'd be the same with anyone they're seeing. Do you know what I mean? I'm sure you're great, but I'd eat my hat if this hasn't been a problem in past relationships, or if it doesn't carry on into future ones. The fact that it's unselective makes it more unattractive, is what I think I'm clumsily trying to say.

J0kersSmile Sun 06-Nov-16 21:55:49

Ok, am I normal in that I don't want to text someone every minute of the day how much I like them and miss them even if I do like them? He does keep saying I'm not very romantic and he's more soppy than me.

This is him not me right? Today for example he said he felt like I was off with him because I said I'd ring him later as I was busy all day and then he text me about eight saying (guilt tripping maybe) shall we leave the phone call now, bare in mind we spent Friday night and all day Saturday together. I really wish he'd accept I like him but now it's a self fulfilling prophecy as I'm irritated now. Today I was thinking he was sweet if a bit needy but now I've gone right off of him. sad

riceuten Sun 06-Nov-16 21:58:02

Just tell him that it's putting you on edge! Ask him directly why ?

J0kersSmile Sun 06-Nov-16 21:59:30

I think you're right dieu, he weirdly kept saying Friday how different I am and how he never feels like this with anyone ect but I expect it's what he says to everyone to rush them into a commitment.

He asked me on the phone today what we would do and how much we would see each other in the future, I said well let's have a few months getting to know each other more before we think about that. It's a lot of pressure he's now putting on.

Or maybe he just really likes me and I'm pushing him away and trying to find faults.

category12 Sun 06-Nov-16 21:59:36

He sounds very clingy and not who you thought he was. I don't like the sound of him signalling of jealousy and wanting constant contact. Next!

J0kersSmile Sun 06-Nov-16 22:00:24

I did rice and he said he'll stop but he really likes me and can't believe I like him as much.

BubblingUp Sun 06-Nov-16 22:00:39

Is this love bombing? He's over the top, you aren't receptive and so he's manipulating you to be more receptive?

Aeroflotgirl Sun 06-Nov-16 22:00:51

He is telling you how he is, insecure and jealous, run for the hills quick!

Myusernameismyusername Sun 06-Nov-16 22:02:25

I really think you should be cautious, I think this is all quite worrying. You will end up mindful of him all the time and trying to keep him happy. That would be awful

I think actually a frank convo might help him to get a grip, if not then possibly he isn't going to realise how smothering this is

YouHadMeAtCake Sun 06-Nov-16 22:03:36

Listen to Anyfucker she's right!

MrsTerryPratchett Sun 06-Nov-16 22:03:39

Clingy and jealous? Definite red flags. I suppose you could just tell him what your boundaries are and see if he sticks to them. But I wouldn't give a second chance.

NotTheFordType Sun 06-Nov-16 22:03:53

I really don't want to have to reassure someone that just because we haven't spoke for a few hours that I'm not off with him.

Fuck. This.

This is the beginning of a sad and well-worn tale that starts with "He calls me so often because he really, really loves me..." and ends with " I don't really have friends any more or leave the house - it's just easier than dealing with his constant calls, texts or accusations. But he only does it because he loves me so much ..."

J0kersSmile Sun 06-Nov-16 22:04:13

I'm not sure bubbling, maybe as he's been perfect up till now so maybe the cracks are starting to show so he's love bombing so I don't notice?

I am now aeroflatgirl!

pictish Sun 06-Nov-16 22:04:46

Even if there are reasons for this demanding, insecure conduct...who cares? It's fucking annoying, intrusive, unattractive and creepy. Just dump him fgs.

Myusernameismyusername Sun 06-Nov-16 22:05:17

You are already thinking you have done something to make him feel this way!

Aeroflotgirl Sun 06-Nov-16 22:07:38

I have a feeling that it will only get worse, and might turn abusive. Good Jokers

pictish Sun 06-Nov-16 22:08:35

And you're already wondering how you can fix him.
Just no. Don't do it to yourself.

TurnipCake Sun 06-Nov-16 22:08:58

Staying with this guy means you will constantly have to reassure him.

Want an evening in by yourself? Prepare to grovel the next day.

Night out with your girlfriends? He'll accuse you of wanting to cop off with other guys.

Didn't answer his text in the 'right' timeframe? You'll spend 3x the amount of time having to redeem yourself.

Grim, and hugely unattractive

J0kersSmile Sun 06-Nov-16 22:10:53

You're all right thanks, I'm binning.

I do not want that sort of life like turnip has wrote down.

CocoaX Sun 06-Nov-16 22:12:46

Good decision

Myusernameismyusername Sun 06-Nov-16 22:13:01

I had one like this and he got very nasty when he didn't hear what he liked. My phone died one night on a night out and he left me 34 voicemails. He was so angry and we had only been dating 2 months. He said it wasn't 'how a girlfriend should behave'
I realised I had started to panic that my phone had died knowing he would go mad and so I dumped him. After that he bombarded me with nasty messages about me being a slag so I blocked him. He then made posts about me on a local anon FB page.


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