DCs, XH, boundaries & privacy with a view to dating again

[RichardsPanda]

XH and I have been separated 18 months, soon to be divorced, reasonably amicable (now). I recently bought him out of the family home so now it is absolutely mine. He lives nearby and the DCs stay with him half the time.

It's not unusual for the DCs to pop round to mine when they are staying with him that night, for example to play with friends who live closer, use the Playstation, pick up stuff they've forgotten to take to his etc. He brings them round if this is the case.

I am thinking about dating again and I recently had a conversation with him about not popping round without letting me know as, in future, I may have someone here and I don't want to be forced to introduce someone to the DCs who I don't want to or don't want to yet. He seemed to get this and be OK with it.

However, this morning he brought DS round at without letting me know. I had a friend here having coffee, who is male but is definitely a friend. XH would have realised there was someone here as the friend's car was on the drive but you can't see that from the road. XH didn't come in, I think he would've if the car wasn't there as he texted me soon after with a question about one of the other DCs.

I introduced my friend to DS and the friend left soon after. Once the friend was gone I told DS that he was definitely a friend and not a 'friend', DS is 13.

The other two DCs are 15 and 11.

What should I do? I am torn between this being the DCs home, I don't want them to feel they can't come and go as they please, and my need for a private life.

I don't want to wait till I am seeing someone to address this issue.

I think I will reiterate the conversation with my XH but is it appropriate to speak to the DCs too in an age appropriate way? I tend to think it is but I'm not sure.

[Stefoscope]

I would speak to your XH again, hopefully the fact he didn't come into your house when he saw a car on the drive means he starting to get that he can't just come and go as he pleases. I think it's a good idea to talk to your DCs too, could you maybe suggest they give you a quick call before they're planning to come over?

[Myusernameismyusername]

Yes I would talk to my DC's. Mine are teens and I have faced up to nothing is a secret. When I am dating I just tell them (without many details). I don't tell ex but then I am not in your position with the close houses and dropping in.

Mine know I have a life when they aren't here which involves friends/dates etc and actually them being involved with knowing things doesn't seem to have thrown up any issues I can think of. So tell them that they need to call or text.

[SuiteHarmony]

Following this ...

[sykadelic]

I think it was a mistake involving your XH in your love life (that's essentially what you did). You asked him for help to keep the kids away so you could have guests over, I can get why he wouldn't want to do that, to have to say to his kids "your mums got friends over, don't go home".

It would be best to simply not have guests over to your house until you're ready for the kids to meet him. My reasoning is this, you don't want the kids in pain/needing something and umming and ahhing about coming because they don't want to risk upsetting you.

Also, it's their home just as much as it's your home. They have every right to come and go as they please, just as you have every right to have guests over. So here you are asking how to tell your kids they can't come home when they want, so that you can have guests over when you want.

I do think you should have a chat to your kids though, and tell them when you're dating someone or that you might some day. To get it in their heads that it's an option.

[Lunar1]

It's their home, I wouldn't change their existing rules for the potential of random men being there. Go out for dates, your not planning on bring a string of randoms home through the day are you?

[SandyY2K]

It would be best to simply not have guests over to your house until you're ready for the kids to meet him.

I see what your point ^^^^^^^^
, but that means being at his (potential new guy) house if they aren't out on a date.

Sometimes you just want to talk and get to know the person.

Tricky situation.

[furryminkymoo]

I would date outside of the house? I wasn't in your situation but I can't recall dating in my home, always out and about. Only when my relationship got serious did we have cosy nights in.

[PoldarksBreeches]

I think given it's your kids who are likely to pop round rather than your ex then you need to be more circumspect with male guests coming over. If you're not dating then having a friend over for coffee is no big deal but if you're dating then you don't really need to have them back to the house during the day at all. If you want to invite someone over for dinner then presumably the kids won't be at home in the evening?

[Blobby10]

Reading the replies with interest as I could well be in the same situation shortly - if I EVER get back on the dating bandwagon

STBExH has already been asked not to just walk into the house and to knock or ring the bell. Hes fine with it.

I wouldn't 'entertain' at home unless there was no risk of teens walking in. Not until I was really serious about someone.