Am I right?

[Marierose511]

Just come back from a family day out with my partners kids who are staying with us this weekend. They are tired and grumpy so I took them upstairs to get ready for bed. He comes up and goes into the room and starts kicking the stuff on the floor 'you lot can tidy this in the morning'. I said go downstairs I will sort the children out, you've scared them. He then punches the door and shouts at me before going downstairs. At this point the children start crying. I sort them out and go downstairs.
He said I shouldn't have said that in front of the children. That he didn't do anything wrong and didn't scare them. He said I made him angry and shouldn't have spoken to him like that.
I don't understand it. Can anyone help?

[Marierose511]

Or is that abusive?

[SabineUndine]

It is abusive. He's blaming you for his own bad behaviour. 💐

[Ipsie]

Sometimes how we say things can change the meaning of what we think we're saying. Tone of voice, gestures etc.. maybe he heard a patronising tone, maybe it made him feel you were belittling him or maybe you said it perfectly reasonably and he just feels it's not something for you to say to him in front of the children.

Regardless tho, he should not have reacted in that way. That reaction would have me packing and leaving. A partner Is want to stay with would quietly leave and talk to me calmly about why they may not like what or how I said something and how they expect to parent with me. That may bring up other issues but a violent response can only be met with one action from me....

[SixtiesChildOfWildBlueSkies]

He;s telling you who he is. Listen to him. He's abusive.

Punching the door - aggressive
Shouts at you - aggressive
Blames you for his behaviour - narcissistic - won't accept responsibility for his own actions.

Can any one help - yes. Get this man out of your life asap. He won't EVER change - except to become worse.

[Msqueen33]

That's abusive behaviour. Whether he's tired, annoyed that the rooms are a mess that's not an acceptable way to deal with it.

[BillThePony]

You didn't make him angry he chose to behave that way and used that as an excuse.

Run for the hills it will get worse

[Marierose511]

He's always shouted at me and called me names but not in front of the kids so this time it really made me think. Last time we had a big argument and I got angry and wanted to leave he stopped me and said I can't lose you, if I ever do then I will kill myself.
I know he's suffered server depression before so what can I do? i know if I left he would turn back to drugs and won't see his kids.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

True suicidals don't make those threats. More manipulation. Which is also abuse.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Does domebody have a linky to that wheel of abuse? With the different categories and the actions under each one? Because I definitely remember that destruction of things (walls, possessions) are on that list.

[goddessofsmallthings]

i know if I left he would turn back to drugs and won't see his kids

If this should come to pass it will be his choice and it's not a valid reason for you to stay with him

Duluth wheel here: www.org/violence-wheel/
Extended version //www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/power_and_control_wheel.html
Sonoma County version: guidedtosafety.org/domestic-violence-sonoma-county/the-wheels-of-violence-vs-nonviolence/

[goddessofsmallthings]

Hopefully this link will work: //www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/

Are these examples what you had in mind, PSE?

[PoldarksBreeches]

It might be a good thing for his kids if he doesn't see them
He sounds unbelievably awful, what on earth are you doing still there? He won't kill himself

[mummytime]

This is domestic abuse, and it is also abuse of the kids. They have just witnessed him being abusive to you, and punching the wall is a very bad sign. You don't know what they have witnessed before (with their mother and him), and it will probably have deep resonances with them.

He is unlikely to kill himself. Whatever he does: you didn't cause it, you can't change it, it's not you fault. Just get out and I'd probably let their mother know why.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Yup, goddess, dat's der bunny. Thanks!

OP, this is not good at all. I know it's easy for us to say, and hard to do when you're in the thick of it. But please get away from this monster. There's nothing [positive] you can do here if you stay in this situation. It is neither your place nor your skill set (no offence here - the guy clearly needs professional help, and wouldn't take it off you if you had a PhD in social work, a signed letter from the pope and platinum nipples!).

Leave him. Tell the mother of those poor children if you think she'll engage with you positively. Or at least Social Services. This is exactly what they're there for. It wouldn't be too far off to report this to the police, but if that feels the step too far, the very least you should do is tell SocServ. Tell somebody.