How the hell do I deal with my husband?

[Teepish]

Last time I posted on here I was a very frightened soul as I had been dealing with threats and abuse from H after I threw him out a few months ago after discovering another infidelity. I even asked to have a thread I started deleted by MNHQ as I was so terrified someone in his family might see and tell him.
Well I tell you what, I couldnt give a fuck now. This emotionally abusive, socially inept, lying, disgusting toad of a man continues to blame me for every one of his misdemeanours. I lost my temper at him tonight because he lied about taking something from this house when he left, that didnt belong to him. His response? "I hope your parents die. Stop being such a petulant c*nt in front of our daughter"
Unfortunately, our dd5 tells me she loves daddy more than me, and gets upset when she has to come home from his house. Its like a knife through my heart but what can I say to her? I just say "oh do you" in a sort of nonchalant manner. I think she feels sorry for him because he doesnt live with us anymore. And prefers him because he is a bit of a Disney Dad.
I just dont know how to cope with the stress when I know he is due to pick up/drop dd off. He has a passive aggressive way about him on the doorstep and if dd gets upset and doesnt want to leave him he turns it into a big sentimental display rather than encouraging her into the house and telling her he will see her soon.
He has her overnight twice a week and an extra odd tea time here and there. Once I had to tell him that he would have to pick dd up a few hours later than usual as I was working late and she was with my mum (he hates her because she had the balls to stand up to him once), and I avoid them having contact. He want mad telling me I had stolen time with his daughter from him. The next morning on my doormat was his letter from my solicitor outlining the contact arrangements, ripped up, in an envelope covered in expletives about me and my parents. His own parents dont know the half of what he is about, offered me no support when I threw him out and effectively condone his behaviour.

Im so sorry this reads like a garbled rant - I just want to know - do I just ignore his abuse until he gets bored? I have told my solicitor all about him but really what course of action can you really take about a man who who acts like a spoilt toddler? Its the fact that he has wished death on my parents - twice - that I feel I need some kind of action taken about but still, what on earth can be done about that.

I asked him to ask his parents to do pick ups/drop offs instead but he said "why on earth should they give in to my demands" .....

I just feel so defeated and truthfully, frightened that he will turn my daughter against me.

[fc301]

Hello Teepish sorry you are feeling so low. I imagine you should ignore & rise above. But don't worry the wealth of wisdom & experience that is MN will be along shortly.
Stay strong, you are doing so well x

[kittymamma]

Firstly, your DD is 5, she doesn't really know what love is and is very easily manipulated at that age. I tell you now, do not give in to it, let it mean anything and do remind her how much you love her. I don't want to out myself but someone very close to me made this mistake and ended up being emotionally bullied into signing over guardianship of their child. 30 years later the, now adult, doesn't really understand what he lost when he was given the choice of who he wanted to live with at such a young age.

As for his behaviour, keep it as evidence, you never know when you might need it. He sounds like a complete arsehole! I am not usually one to be quite so mean on here, but he does. I would say you need to keep being the better person. Wishing death on people is horrible and only highlights what a complete and utter nob he is. I am sorry you have to put up with this.

[jeaux90]

Hey OP. He does sound like a bit of a narcissist if I'm honest have a read on that and see if that fits. If this is the case he will be manipulating your dd like a puppet. She will feel like she has to put on a show in front of him.

Now about contact. You need to rein yourself from reacting to anything he does or says or messages that is nasty. You limit contact to nothing but the necessary. Contact arrangements for example and you keep it clear and concise and you ignore everything else. Limit or no contact is the only way to deal with abuse like this. Big hug OP. You did a strong thing splitting up with this specimen. Xxx

[Bluntness100]

Don't worry about that, kids always say crap like that. They are also smart and know who to go to when they need something. Although my husband and I still married, my daughter occasiknallh said she preferred her dad as she had more fun with him, however it's me she relies on and we have a fantastic relationship.

[Teepish]

Thanks both. It is utterly draining trying to be reasonable in the face of such juvenile behaviour.
kitty that is heartbreaking. And dd is such a switched on, sensitive little thing I worry constantly that this conflict between me and her father will affect her view of relationships, her view of what a good man is, etc. I know its far too early days for that really but he has so little regard and respect for women, and here he is attempting to raise a daughter.

[CocoaX]

He is basically using contact as a way of abusing you, and he is manipulating your DD. As kittymamma says, keep it as evidence.

Does he need to come to the house for handover? I would be asking for a neutral location so you can at least keep this away from your house. Saying goodbye to dad at the place he used to stay is probably confusing for your DD too. One step at a time - you left him, well done; you were scared to post for advice, now you are not, well done; next - get him away from the house as he is abusive. He has contact, it does not need to begin and end at your house. I would put that boundary in place.

He won't turn your DD against you. But she is five, she is saying things for a reaction. I would be tempted to add why? to the nonchalant oh really? She probably does need reassurance that she can love both of you, but also it sounds like she does need some gentle support with her feelings about things.

[Teepish]

oh thanks jeaux90 and Bluntness. You know what Ive done so much reading up on narcissism and emotional abusers, particularly other womens experiences on here, I have learned so so much, Mumsnet has been invaluable to me this past year.
I have wondered if dd does put on a bit of a facade with him, as I suspected she did with his parents - at home with me she can be very difficult (incessant whinging and throwing toddler strops, very demanding) and I dont believe they see the half of that.
Thankyou all because Im so used to listening to him tell me I am to blame for all of this fallout, it still feels odd to see others saying what a nob he is. I was so upset earlier, I was going to ring The Samaritans

[fc301]

You are not to blame. He is a fucktard.

[CocoaX]

Definitely not too blame

She strops with you because she knows she is safe to work through her emotions. -And she is probably tired with two nights a week of Disney dad.

[Teepish]

Cocoa I have wracked my brains about the pick up/drop off scenario and when it comes down to it, I would feel more vulnerable if I didnt have my front door to quickly go behind and lock once dd is outside at the gate with him. Shortly after he moved out he used to just walk into the house without knocking because "his name was still on the lease"....that stopped when I yelled at him to get out one time, because dd was upset at having to stay with "sad mummy", and I caught him smirking about it. He put his hand around my neck to throttle me so i struggled free of him and ran outside to call the police.
While in tears on the phone to them, terrified, he popped his head around the back door and said "that was your fault"

Can you believe that

After a police caution he knows he cannot go too far at my front door - which is why I get all the nasty comments instead.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

Unfortunately, our dd5 tells me she loves daddy more than me

That is not true she is a daddy's girl but she will learn eventually what he is really like.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

None of it is your fault he is a nasty bastard.
My dd didn't stop the tantrum's until she was 7 its normal what she is doing. Its very annoying but normal she is working out how to get around you stand your ground.

[Teepish]

Do you know, I did ask sort of vaguely one time why she loved daddy more. She said "because he takes me out to places and takes me to the fair, and we have fun together..".
Well, thats all well and good.

[Teepish]

Oh God Sunshine 7 I honestly thought we'd be done with them by now!
Ive been tidying up all her crayons and drawings and feel so sad now because I have been quite short and abrupt with her all day. I wanted to take her shopping with me but she threw herself on the floor and shouted about wanting to play with her dolls with me so we stayed in. I was so wound up over her dads behaviour aswell and sadly she got the brunt.

She will tell her dad about this you see, and he will tell her that he doesnt know why mummy gets so sad and cross sometimes.

[CocoaX]

'Oh, but sweetie, that's lovely, but it's not all of life, those are not things you can do all the time'
You know, maybe put her in your shoes - if she was a mummy with a house and child, what would she have to do? Keep it fun and light, but it is part of parenting to offer balance. People are different, you have different experiences with them - that is not about loving more or less.

[jeaux90]

The fact he blames you for his actions is classic behaviour. I removed my daughter and I from something very similar and he has no contact now. However my very close friend has to endure similar with her two dd. He plays one like a puppet (as in don't you love daddy if she shows any sign of crying when she calls her mum) the other he is just plain mean to. He has started to pull back contact though, ill explain later why.

Make sure you let your daughter express her emotions and anger when she is with you, we get taught to choke it down but it's important you listen to her as she is a little younger than my friends two and is probably confused but don't worry. If my friends situation is anything to go by then your dd will start to realise what is going on.

I know it's heartbreaking but my hope is that he will find a new "source" or relationship and start to lose interest in your children. This is what played out with me and is starting to play out with my friend too, he has a spangly new girlfriend.

You need to take care of yourself though, please limit contact as much as possible xxx

[Pallisers]

'Oh, but sweetie, that's lovely, but it's not all of life, those are not things you can do all the time'
You know, maybe put her in your shoes - if she was a mummy with a house and child, what would she have to do? Keep it fun and light, but it is part of parenting to offer balance. People are different, you have different experiences with them - that is not about loving more or less.

Great advice. Also just say "I'm so glad you love Daddy and I know you love me too. I love you the most of anyone in the world now let's go for a walk/cycle/bake cookies/whatever"

She is saying this to you because he has introduced her to the concept of competitive love. He probably asks her does she prefer being with him etc. You can't control that but you can control her environment and your response when she is with you and show her what normal love is like.

He cannot turn your daughter against you. There are violently abusive parents out there whose children still love them - you are a good mother, doing your best. Your daughter loves you and relies on you. She trusts you enough to say something like "I love daddy more than you" I guarantee you that even at age 5 she knows that if she said the same to daddy, she'd get a shit storm on her head.

Ignore as much as you can. Get support from good people if you can. Parent your daughter the way you want and try to remove him from the equation when you are with your dd.

[CocoaX]

You still have the mindset of the abused wife. Everything you do or think or say is in reference to him. It takes time but try and let that go. It matters not one bit what DD says to her dad or what he says; it matters how your day is and how you feel about it. Surely dolls can be taken shopping? Or at least one or two? Start thinking about what you want and be clear with DD what plans are.

The wanting to play with you seems like needing attention from you, but it is not going to work if you give in and then feel resentful about it. What is under the tantrum? Needing a hug, tiredness?

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

You could try bribery I know people say don't do it but if you tell her well I can't get you that chocolate bar then. My dd was like that she would threaten me by using her father. I am happy those times are gone it does take a lot of patience and talking. At their age they don't know how to be patient. She is a wonderful child now she is really caring and helpful.

Remember one thing she is only saying that she loves him to be loyal. She thinks you may tell him that she loves you as well. Your dd loves you both equally.

Don't let him get to you. The next time he sends or posts threatening messages take them straight to the police.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

She trusts you enough to say something like "I love daddy more than you" I guarantee you that even at age 5 she knows that if she said the same to daddy, she'd get a shit storm on her head.

Agree

[Teepish]

Cocoa youre absolutely right, it all rings true. I know deep down that the mundane, day to day caretaking routine of a child is where the real, true love is. And yes, the wanting me to play dolls today was a symptom of not having seen me much last week due to work/noticing my unhappy mood. Today was definately a fail.
Pallisers thankyou. H's entire family are in fact a perfect example of Competitive Love. Favouritism aplenty, resulting in very messed up sibling relationships. My family are the entire opposite thankfully.
jeaux Yes I totally agree with the wanting a new "source of interest" he can be distracted with - H actually does have a girlfriend though - the same woman he was cheating on me with for the last 4 months we lived together....Ive said all along he is still the most bitter, resentful nasty individual so he cant be happy at all with her! So God knows when this possessiveness and drama will ease off.

[CocoaX]

Not a fail, a learning experience- we have all been there; just don't make it worse by imagining how your ex would see it. Those imaginings are not real, they don't need space in your head. Focus on you and DD.

[Teepish]

Sunshine when Im my usual level-headed self I either try mimicking her tantrum, which either makes her laugh or makes it a bit worse...or I just change the subject massively/leave the room depending on what its about. There are times she tells me she feels sad, so I listen and talk to her about it. However there are times she makes up something she is sad about and even fake-cries she does love this sort of attention mind. And this is a child that gets a lot of time and attention!

I was going to take his malicious letter to the police but thought it wasnt enough of a threat for them to do much about.

[Teepish]

Thanks again all, youve helped me enormously tonight. I really was beside myself earlier this evening.

[SandyY2K]

Can you arrange the drop off and collection via a third party in a contact centre due to his abusive notes?

I think that would be best. Where you don't even see him. He can't give the notes to the third party and if he sends things through the mail, you can report it as harassment. In fact you should do that anyway with the notes he's sending you.

It absolutely is harassment.