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Boundaries ignored but in spirit only.

(20 Posts)
SwearyGodmother Sat 05-Nov-16 18:58:52

I've given up with my parents. They are deeply unpleasant people and try to be very controlling. This made me into a total people pleaser with no ability to set, or understanding of boundaries. Honestly I still can't say no to things and can't state my wants/needs coherently because of it and I'm nearing 40.

They ignored me from November last year to May this year because I asked them, for the billionth time, not to talk to me about food. I was in treatment for anorexia at the time, and am still fighting every day not to relapse. When this happened they went mental - calling me names and telling me how awful I am (family script, heard it 100000 times), and in a new move texted DH to ask him to sort me out. We didn't respond and they didn't say a word to us until May when my sister (she lives overseas) asked for them to come to my home and I had to make amends.

After that rapprochement they started telling all and sundry that my anorexia (which has been an issue since my early teens) is because I took loads of drugs when I travelled to SE Asia in my early 20s. Because that's the thing to do, blame someone for their illness, not be compassionate. I wrote to them and said I wouldn't tolerate this and asked that they no longer contact us. That was in June.

Cut to today, and my father decides he has something important to share (family heriditary illness) that I should get checked out. It's something that if I had it would have been flagged on my bloods that get checked again and again due to the eating disorder, but that's a detail he'd only know if he had paid attention to me being ill. Obviously he can't contact me because I'm unstable and I've told him not to - so he texted DH and asked him to call. And asked my sister to relay the message.

I'm furious and they (DH and sister) can't seem to understand why. Contacting me through DH is still contacting me, and I have told them not to. I set a boundary which they've ignored again but can claim they didn't becaus they didn't contact me directly. Both parents have form for triangulation with sending messages and never address anything directly with the person it's about, instead bitching behind backs.

I don't know what I want to achieve from this but I'm so bloody angry and can't make DH understand why it's ok for me to feel like this.

YonicProbe Sat 05-Nov-16 19:02:47


You were right to go no contact.

But if it was a disease that wouldn't have shown up otherwise, it does feel like its right to get that message to you. I appreciate he wasn't listening to you but, as that was the case, he would have thought it was something you'd not be aware of.

SwearyGodmother Sat 05-Nov-16 19:07:16

But it would have shown up - and I'm on medication for the exact opposite problem! As in I'm deficient (ha, in so many ways in their eyes) and it's an oversupply thing. Was trying to be vague in th OP and now look like I'm drip feeding. The thing is, if he'd contacted me and said "this medical issue has come to light" I wouldn't be half as annoyed, it's going to DH that has really, really, fucked me off.

SwearyGodmother Sat 05-Nov-16 19:08:50

Sorry, so cross have no manners. Thank you yonic I do get your point, but the method and "we haven't done anything wrong, we didn't contact Sweary" has me really furious.

YonicProbe Sat 05-Nov-16 19:09:56

Ah, Ok.

If you've told him not to contact you though, isn't contacting DH a reasonable seeming option?

Again, your parents sound shitty blaming drugs for your anorexia, none of this excuses that.

SwearyGodmother Sat 05-Nov-16 19:16:49

I told him not to contact us. His rationale will be she told us not to contact them, he didn't, so it's ok to contact him (pedant extraordinaire). A decent person wouldn't require NC but also might say "I know you've asked us not to contact you but xxxxxx" rather than demanding a phone call.

Blaming drugs I didn't take for my anorexia, makes it even better doesn't it?

Thank you for engaging on this - it helps to have someone rational see both sides smile

Hissy Sat 05-Nov-16 19:35:37

Have your rant, you're entitled to it!

He knows he's come up with the loaf of bollocks to make a point.

Just ignore, don't engage at all and carry on as you were.

You have done nothing wrong in any of this (((hug)))

Hissy Sat 05-Nov-16 19:36:12

A load, not the loaf smile

gleam Sat 05-Nov-16 19:38:45

'loaf of bollocks' grin

Would dh be prepared to tell him not to contact him as well?

KatieScarlett Sat 05-Nov-16 19:39:08

Loaf of bollocks... (titter)

SwearyGodmother Sat 05-Nov-16 19:46:26

A total loaf of bollocks indeed. grin

KatieScarlett Sat 05-Nov-16 19:54:08

Just ignore them sweetheart, these people are not good for you. Everything they say is, indeed, a loaf of bollocks.
(Wonders if it would taste like meatloaf)

Hissy Sat 05-Nov-16 19:55:00

Gluten free... natch grin

Madratlady Sat 05-Nov-16 19:57:06

Your dh should reply simply saying that neither of you want to be contacted by them if they are using you saying it not him as some kind of justification in their eyes.

GooseFriend Sat 05-Nov-16 19:59:22

Ugh I'm resonating like mad. My parents also displace all their crap on to me and then tell me it's me with issues.

They are pedantic too - always a technicality!

Ignore and go on as you were.


Nottalotta Sat 05-Nov-16 20:01:28

I can understand why you are angry. But, you said your dad didn't know (although should have if he'd listened......) that this illness would show up on your tests. I think I'd rather be warned re the illness than not.

Or is he just making excuses to get in touch? Whichever way, their behaviour and blaming over the ED is terrible.

SwearyGodmother Sat 05-Nov-16 20:12:52

I think that's DH's point, Notta and I understand it but can't reconcile it with the lack of interest/care in the actual illness I have. I suspect it's just power play.

DH is happily ignoring the summons. He's a good one, if a little oblivious to the obvious on occasion.

Nottalotta Sat 05-Nov-16 20:16:03

I just thought that swear, no interest in your actual illness, but possibly needing a blood test is enough to contact you over. I assume you don't or didn't ever get such concern re your ED? In which case, rage away.

Crazeecurlee Sat 05-Nov-16 22:30:17

Not, contacting your DH and your sister is not a reasonable seeming option at all. You are totally right IE boundaries. Is your DH on-board with NC? If not he needs to be and if so then he needs to put in place whatever it is that you have done so that they don't contact him any more. RE your sister, maybe have a chat with her about how this has made you feel and kindly request that she not do it again, otherwise you would have to go NC with her too? Would you be OK going NC with your sister?

Getting other people, like your sister, to cross boundaries that you have set is unacceptable. This is something abusive people do frequently, I think I have seen it referred to on here as 'flying monkeys'? Not quite sure if it is the same thing though.

DontMindMe1 Sun 06-Nov-16 16:28:17

I think it's just an attempt to try and 'hoover' you back in. You took control away from them and they can't accept it.

How is it that this 'hereditary illness' has only just come to light? IF it's true he could have just passed the message on to your sister.
Just ignore them - and let your sister know where the boundaries lie also.

I'm subjected to similar games by my family, they will only share pertinent family info with me if i 'toe the line', which i refuse. So i'm always the last to find out - by accident/chance.

I just leave people like that to their games. I don't share anything personal with them. I've enforced my boundaries and gone NC with an older sibling and have low contact with the rest.

Funnily enough, my NC sibling emailed me recently - after 4 years - trying to hoover me back in. i ranted on here about it and then ignored the email grin

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