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My Mum is making demands over my daughters wedding.

(43 Posts)
unababy Sat 05-Nov-16 15:41:43

My daughter is getting married next year and my Mum wanted to help her a bit financially. I thought that she would give a few hundred pounds but it was actually a few thousand - very generous. I had my reservations but couldn' t think of any valid reason why my daughter shouldn't accept the money so she did and booked her wedding. My Mum has now started making demands: she wants my brother's daughter to be bridesmaid (ignoring the fact that my sister has 2 girls); vet the guest list and venue; wants remote relatives on her side invited and doesn't think that my step son and daughter should be invited (even though the 3 of them were brought up together and they are still close). She has said all this too me and not my daughter and I have not said anything either. I have guided my daughter in the direction of my niece as a bridesmaid, said that I will take my Mum to the venue, but reminded her that it is all booked so can't be changed, and put my foot down as far as my stepchildren are concerned - they are coming. This leaves the relatives ; there may or may not be space we don't know yet, but my Mum insists and last week she finally said what I know she has been thinking - that they should come because she is paying. I am upset, my husband is furious and insists that we pay her back the money, even though we can't afford it - we have already made our contribution. I am not saying anything to my daughter as I don't want her day spoiled - and I told my Mum that. What should I do: tell my daughter to invite these relatives? Leave my daughter alone to invite who she wants and I any soak up my Mum's displeasure? Either way should I pay my Mum back so we are not beholden to her? I could certainly benefit from some collective wisdom. Thank you in advance.

MooPointCowsOpinion Sat 05-Nov-16 15:44:07

If there's a way to give her the money back and tell her to get to fuck then I think I would want to do that. Well done for keeping it hidden from Your daughter, she doesn't need to know if you can sort it without her.

DonaldStott Sat 05-Nov-16 15:46:28

Give her the money back if at all possible.

MinniesAndMickeysNeedCounting Sat 05-Nov-16 15:48:54

I think you're doing the right thing, keeping this from your daughter, your protecting her, it will affect how she remembers her wedding day if she gives into demands, I have in to pressure in my case from dm and really wish I hadn't.

SpotTheDuck Sat 05-Nov-16 15:50:13

I think you sit down with her, explain that you know your daughter is very grateful for her gift but that if she wanted to impose conditions on the wedding or on how the money is spent she should have said so at the time so your daughter could decide whether or not to accept.

Venue is booked. Your daughter is obviously inviting the people she is close to first, and will see if there is room for anybody else.

You don't want any bad feeling about the wedding, so ask her to speak to you if she has any concerns and not to your daughter.

Stick to your guns and don't offer to repay!

Mamaka Sat 05-Nov-16 15:50:49

I would do your second suggestion: let your daughter invite who she wants and you handle your mum. Remind her it was her choice to offer the money and now she needs to step back and let your daughter use it as she sees fit. I wouldn't be in a hurry to pay her back either, leaving yourself out of pocket because of her shitty behaviour. Tell her to back off or risk ruining her relationship with her daughter and her granddaughter.

Seekingadvice123 Sat 05-Nov-16 15:51:53

What is it about weddings that turns people into absolute arseholes.
Refuse her requests.... what can she actually do?
If she makes a reference about the money then offer to give it back. That may well shut her up or she may agree to having it back. Could you pay in instalments?

FetchezLaVache Sat 05-Nov-16 15:52:52

Wow, shows your instincts were spot-on!

Why would your DD want people she barely knows at her wedding? Either your mum wants her DGD and future DGSIL to have the day of their lives or she thought she could buy ultimate control over every aspect of it and if it's the latter, give the money back.

Agree with Moo that you have acted wisely in keeping this from your DD.

graphista Sat 05-Nov-16 15:57:58

Gifts of money ALWAYS come with strings in my experience, even though my ex and I paid for our wedding ourselves both mothers still tried to control!

I agree with telling her its your daughter's wedding, not hers and if she didn't state there'd be strings attached when she GIFTED the money to her granddaughter she doesn't get to move the goalposts now!

Wishing your daughter a lovely happy day.

galaxygirl45 Sat 05-Nov-16 15:58:05

What a nightmare. I firmly believe that if you give someone a gift of money, you have no say in how it is spent and if you want to add conditions, then you shouldn't give it. I think you need to stand up to your mum and say no, sorry, the guest numbers are confirmed with the hotel and it's all arranged now sadly. And I think you're lovely to keep all this from your daughter. If she keeps on insisting, I would return the money and then tell your daughter after the wedding why you did.

AhNowTed Sat 05-Nov-16 15:58:49

Well done on keeping your head. It never ceases to amaze how parents think they can hijack weddings and make it all about them.

Your instincts are right OP.

I would tout suit pay her back if I could and tell her exactly why. Otherwise keep doing what you're doing and protect your daughter from this nonsense.

Vetoing your step children indeed.. outrageous.

junebirthdaygirl Sat 05-Nov-16 15:59:13

Could you suggest to your dd thatched ask her gran was there one or two people she would especially like at the wedding? Might keep her happy.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 05-Nov-16 16:05:06

I would pay back the money that your mother gave. Unfortunately mean people like your mother use money as power to further obligate others. This is what has happened here. This money was never ever going to be given to you or your DD without conditions attached, people like your mother always take a mile.

My guess too is that she was not a good parent to you either.

BackforGood Sat 05-Nov-16 16:10:34

Exactly what SpottheDuck said.

Reiterate to her that she can't impose conditions on the gift she has given after she has given it and it has been allocated. If it came with conditions then it needed to have been said as it was offered.
Don't pass all this on to your dd. Remind your Mum that she had her turn at her wedding (and possibly a say in yours?) and now it's dd's turn to do things as she wants.

BantyCustards Sat 05-Nov-16 16:11:53

Give the money back and kick this control freak to the kerb

TheNaze73 Sat 05-Nov-16 16:17:58

Tell her to fuck off & hand her the money back. She sounds awful

blaeberry Sat 05-Nov-16 16:30:10

I wouldn't give in to much; step kids must come and bridesmaids are the choice of the bride, but if there aren't any worries about exceeding the capacity of the venue then I would ask your dd to let your mum have a couple of invites for guests of her choice. It used to be that parents hosted the wedding including inviting the guests and the guests would generally include friends of the family who had supported the parents in bringing up the bride/groom not just people close to the bride and groom themselves.

FerretFred Sat 05-Nov-16 16:34:13

As she didn't put the conditions in before gifting the cash, she has no say in what happens.

I would be inclined to give her the cash back and freeze her out of any of the wedding plans.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 05-Nov-16 16:38:54

I wouldn't hand the money back. Had she insisted her wishes were considered as part of the offer of money, you could have made an informed decision of whether or not to accept. A gift that is given with no strings attached is just that and she cannot start imposing her will after the fact. As for your step children not being considered, I'm sure your dh is incandescent!

Generally speaking, traditionally, it's the parents, not the grandparents, who make up the guest list - assuming they pay for the event. So she at possibly have had her turn at your wedding.

What would your daughter say? If you put it to her that grandma would like to invite x y and z would she be fine for them to come assuming there is space and funds, would she be ok with this? TBH I would only fight this one point if your dd doesn't want it.

Lucienandjean Sat 05-Nov-16 16:53:09

Oh, this situation sounds so familiar to me! My dd got married 2 years ago, and my mum attempted to take over at every opportunity!

The main difference was, she didn't contribute any money. That didn't stop her applying every sort of pressure to me, to try to get a particular cousin chosen as bridesmaid, to invite certain people, and not others. She disapproved of the church, the reception, and pretty much everything.

I chose to keep most of this from my daughter, and I think that was the right decision, but I did get very stressed as a result. I tried to talk about the wedding as little as possible with my mum, but she made that very hard!

I said nothing to dd about the bridesmaid issue, and she chose friends as bridesmaids. We invited the people important to dd and her fiancé, making one concession to asking a friend of dgm in the hope that would give her someone to be with at the reception. That partially worked, so I think it was worth it.

Afterwards, dm told me all the things we had done 'wrong' - the bride's dress, my dress, the food, the drink, the venue, the guests, the vicar.....everything. But by then it was over and dd got the wedding she wanted.

I think part of my job as MOB was to absorb some of the crap and stop it spoiling the day for dd. But it was hard work and I'm glad I never have to do it again!

I think you have to pick and choose which battles to have - maybe give in on a couple of things but stick to your guns on important stuff. And yes, don't let your dd know all that is going on.

bloodyteenagers Sat 05-Nov-16 16:57:58

I would hand her the money back and tell her bluntly she can stick her cash with her conditions firmly up her arse. She had her wedding to do whatever she wanted. This is now her granddaughters day. She has no say at all. She wants a wedding at x, with x as bridesmaids and x invited then she best sort out her own.

Crazeecurlee Sat 05-Nov-16 22:16:39

Totally agree with Spottheduck.

Don't give your mum back any money and ignore her suggestions! She is a grown woman, she gave a gift without any stipulations. She can't now turn around and say well do xyz.

Also, don't be steering your daughter to any of her suggestions. Your priority is your DD and making sure she has a fantastic day, not trying to placate your mother.

I would tell my mum to stop making suggestions and stay very far away from her until the wedding if she continued, and advise DD to do the same.

wonderwoo Sat 05-Nov-16 22:39:07

I agree, don't give the money back. She gave it with no conditions attached, so I would separate it from the current problem. After all, even if she hadn't any money to give, she may have still tried to control these things.

SpeckledyBanana Sat 05-Nov-16 22:42:33

If the money is spent it can't be given back. Instead, be the buffer between your DM and DD.

Gaah! If she's like this during planning stage, I can only imagine what "look at me" shite she'll be wearing on the day.

I can't be the only one to have thought this.... fgrin

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