Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
left DH this week, have I done the right thing?(60 Posts)
I need a bit of hand holding and support. After a massive fight earlier this week, DH threw a piece of furniture at me. Something in me snapped and I've left him, taken our two kids(both under 3) and have managed to secure some temp accommodation courtesy of the local council. But now I'm wobbling I've done the wrong thing.
My main issue with him has always been his drinking, he binges until blackouts or is incontinent, but sees it as normal partying. Or he has a few drinks a few days a week but is moody and nasty to me or our kids. I've told him I didn't like it but over the years (maybe 3 or 4) it has escalated. I've asked his family for help, they were no good, despite being lovely and supportive at other times.
I met DH yesterday and he was a wreck, promising to change, do anything I want, respect me and communicate better about feelings. He was crying! But it's all lies isn't it? I've asked him to stop drinking, threatened to leave before, even left for a few days before, and he's been stubborn and unflinching in his righteousness that he drinks normally and the problem is me, but now I've left he's saying he'll do whatever it takes to be a family.
Has anyone ever been in this position? Do I believe him? Can I get some advice to believe that splitting up my family was the right thing to do?
It's all lies. He has realised what his actions have done but no one can change in that short time can they?
He's broken your trust and scared you too many times.
Every time you think you may have done the wrong thing think about what the kids would grow up seeing. For their sake you cannot go back to such a toxic harmful relationship
He needs serious help before you even consider trusting him again, and going back to him is very ill advised - he cannot have changed. He feels sorry for himself
Please stay strong
I am sorry this has happend.
Firstly, I presume his drinking has been going on for a while? And after each drinking ephisode you are the one feeling let down, second best to the bottle and picking up peaces of his broken promises?
I have been there. My husband drank, every day througout our 6 year relationship then marriage. I thought I could do it, handle it, tackle the impossible. Ignored my gut and kept on going. It was three womans aid refuges later that I woke up. I was unable to assit him. I was not the cause. But I felt I was. The whole time.
I am telling you this, it will get better. He will tell you he will change. He will never hurl a furnuture at you again, that he was under a lot of stress, or his day was just not right, or even better, it was YOUR fault, you made him do it.
You will get there. You will feel better about your decission. You will get past this, and you will survife.
Lots of hugs.
Oh dear, I understand why you're conflicted but he threw a piece of furniture at you ? Were your babies there ? What if they were hit ? Regardless of that, he threw it at you. Sounds like you've given him many chances before, even tried to get his family to help. You've enough to contend with with 2 small children, instead of supportinf you witht that he is another source of worry for you. Are you waivering and doubting yourself just since seeing him yesterday and what he said etc ? You need space from him to form your own thoughts and feelings. Leaving and seeking accomodation from the council is a massive deal, a decision you would not have taken lightly, specially with the kids. My relationship is by no means perfect and I'd usually encourage people to try keep the family unit together where possible but it really sounds like you've tried and I'd just worry this is more lip service from him.
If it were me I'd be staying away, if you want, tell him if he means it then he will respect that and prove to you that he means it and will stay off the drink, if he does then great maybe you could reconcile in the future if not then you've already done the hard part by leaving. Again I'd stress you need space and to not be influenced by him in your decision making..
Violence that like would be a complete deal breaker for me. I would be gone and wouldn't look back. Think, what will he hurl at you next time? And what would the outcome be? A&e or the morgue perhaps? Sorry to sound harsh, just my opinion but I think you need to stay well away.
Thanks for your replies. I'm just sitting in this flat wishing things could be better and I could go home, for our DDs, for everything to be normal again. It's going to take so much to make a home here for them. I feel awful for doing this both to them and to him. But I KNOW I'm right, I know it but I don't feel it. I can't bring my girls up seeing their dad that way. I just need to remember all the shitty things he's said and done, don't I?
You have done the right thing in leaving this person. Do not go back to him.
His being nasty to the children along with his drink problem is enough to walk and keep walking. All he cares about is his own self.
If there is no trust now there is no relationship. If he really did care about you he would not give you all this crap and give you space away from him. Crying can also be used to manipulate the other person i.e. you to feel sorry for him.
Such men promise change and it never happens. You know its all lies and you've heard it all before. Also he blaming you is another big red flag amongst many that are already fluttering in the wind.
I always felt that way about violence, still feel like I do, but he minimised it so well yesterday that I'm not totally doubting myself and feeling like I've over reacted. But yes, the kids witnessed him doing it. That's what made me feel I had to go.
I don't have much family support so I'm just trying to keep telling myself I'm right.
It's going to take so much to make a home here for them".
You can and will make it nice for them; they need a quiet house without rows and drunken behaviour from a parent.
A home is also a sanctuary; your previous place with him there was patently not. They will likely be happier as young people without the inherent stresses of their dad's presence at home. He affected you markedly and in turn them also. Alcoholism is a family disease and one that does not just affect the alcoholic.
Re your comment:-
"I feel awful for doing this both to them and to him"
He's done that by his actions; you have not caused that. I doubt also he feels awful for doing this to you. You told him more than enough times before now. You have shown your children a powerful lesson in relationships; that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. You would also not want your DDs to be treated like this by any man in their lives either.
"But I KNOW I'm right, I know it but I don't feel it. I can't bring my girls up seeing their dad that way. I just need to remember all the shitty things he's said and done, don't I?"
Yes re your last sentence particularly if you start to wobble. And yes you simply cannot afford them to grow up thinking that their dad's drinking to excess is at all normal.
I would give Womens Aid a call and see if you can enrol on their Freedom Programme.
Your instincts are right. It's also normal to wobble, especially when he seems so heartfelt.
Your kids will be ok. You will be able to give them a brilliant life by yourself, they need you to carry on being strong
You are grieving, it's a process. You have lost a lot and will feel all kinds of emotions, you aren't weak xx
You have 100 per cent done the right thing. You can't bring up kids in that environment. Stick to your guns, he's going to do his best to try and break you and think he can get help or change but as they say, a leopard never changes it spots.
I grew up in a household where there were violent arguments nearly every day between my parents, and with a father who was often drunk, it was awful. I still wish my mother had taken me and my sister and left. Stay strong x
Keep talking here, it will be easy to doubt yourself, especially for your girls. But this is best for them, that must have been very frightening for them.
Can I ask, why should you leave the family home, it's his behaviour that is unacceptable, will he not even be man enough to leave and let you and his daughters be in their home, why should you and the girls be disrupted, you've done nothing wrong..
He threw a piece of furniture at you?!
Of course you've done the right thing, just that is enough for game over.
You cannot subject your two little girls to this behaviour, no way.
You have done absolutely the right thing leaving. My ex was the same when we first split up, then he realised I was serious and became nasty so be warned when he realises you aren't going back he will go back to his old ways.
The one thing that kept me strong is that I have sons and a daughter. I could not let my aims grow into adults thinking that was the way you treated your wife/partner and I couldn't let my daughter think this was how she was supposed to be treated. I had to leave and stay away for them. My ex wasn't violent but he was a lazy a lazy emotionally abusive arse hole that to this day can only think about himself. He has barely made any effort with the dc who are older now and are less and less bothered with him each passing year because he doesn't put the leg work in. I'm married now to a lovely man and look back over the last 8 or 9 years since I left him and am glad every single day that I had the strength to stay away. I hate to think what I'd be like now if I hadn't.
Our home belongs to his family, it was one of his threats, 'you can't leave me, you've nowhere to go, it's not your house' etc etc.
I know you're all right about this, I posted years ago about his drinking and anyfucker gave me a reply saying what would happen. And she was right, of course.
I like the idea of being an example to my girls of not taking shit in a relationship, that gives me strength.
And I know he will turn nasty, I can see it's inevitable with how hard he's begging me to come back, all that emotion will turn to anger and I'm scared how I'll cope when that happens.
Thank you all for your replies and your experience.
You're obviously incredibly strong OP, your strength comes through your posts.
You have somewhere to go: forwards. And let's face it, staying with him for the sake of a mere roof over your head isn't worth it.
You can do this. You really can.
You have done the right thing, you can do this and you have to, for your daughters and yourself.
You say he's a wreck, but did he care when it was you that was upset and afraid because of his actions? Or is it just because he's lost everything and knows it's his own fault.
Take it from me, getting away from an abusive marriage is the best move you will ever make, your daughters will thank you.
As a child (I'm now 46) of 2 alcoholic parents I'd say you have definitely done the right thing. Please do everything you can to protect your DC's. I agree with the posters who have said to keep coming on here for support. Good luck, you are strong!!
You have done the right thing
ARE you getting support ftp. The lixal authority? Eg ftom ss?
Have you reported the violence to police?
It is important it's important for future contact arrangements. or speak to ypur health visitor or gp.
The tying begging is all typical it stay strong.
If he calms down etc then over time he can prove himself thru supervised and maybe later unsupervised with the dc. don't waver.
Throwing things at people... could have severely injured you or dc .
I met DH again tonight to discuss seeing the girls and he's managed to somehow talk me into being on a break until the new year when he will be teetotal. Wtf?!?!
PILs begged me to stay in our home and they would put up DH at theirs for as long as it took, if I ended it after that they would pay to set me up in another place. I managed to hold my own on that one but did feel really pressured. They didn't understand I need my own space to think my own thoughts.
Also yes, getting lots of support from sw, my cpn (pnd) and also local authority help regarding housing.
Stay strong and keep your own place gaelic you need the distance to keep your head in the right place
If I ended it after that they would pay to set me up in another place
Might be too late the next time. If he can throw furniture at you, then he can do a lot worse. Sounds like PIL can ignore his drinking problem as long as he is with you and you they can pretend all is fine with their son's family.
You've already wasted years on this man and regretted it, do you really want to waste any more?
I think the deal they were offering you was just full of potential disasters such as him not leaving at all and them forcing you into leaving AGAIN. Them refusing to help you. They should be helping you NOW not pressuring you into something you don't want.
I would stick to your guns - kids can't keep moving. They need to settle in a calm environment
you must not go back to him, the violence will escalate and he could hurt one of your DDs....and you would feel responsible , they cannot protect themselves but you CAN protect them.
Forget happy families, sad l know, but you will never have happiness with a violent man, or one who has the capability of being violent even occasionally, it is just wrong.... which you know.
Get cross, really angry and keep the blame firmly on HIS shoulders, you are blameless for his violent behavior, and start planning your own future with your girls, a safe, loving future free of intimidation and fear.
Make some practical plans, all your DDs need is your love and a roof over their heads and meals.
I am sorry op, be strong and good luck
Join the discussion
Please login first.